i feel like my so-ocd is different from what i read on here? or maybe it’s not? idk. but when i obsessively think about the orientation i don’t want to to be, sometimes i get excited and happy about being that orientation and then i get anxious like “omg i felt happy about it!!!” huh? and i don’t understand why i can feel emotional happiness and peace like that

Hey lmaocd. Gotta live with the uncertainty. In all likelihood, you are just hyper-attending emotions that are then being interpreted, but because you are focusing on them so much, wiring yourself to feel them whenever you come into contact with certain stimuli. Stop analyzing the feelings! It won’t do you any good. A lot of us have described feeling this way. Stop checking. Stop assigning labels to emotions you are feeling at present. Just move forward.

Does that help lmaocd?

Maybe you do, and maybe you don’t. It certainly seems to be upsetting you. At the very least, you are obsessing over all of this. Even if you do turn out to be what you fear (and I don’t think that is the case), you gotta break the obsessive cycle. That means not trying to figure out if the thoughts make you happy or not. Not trying to figure out if you enjoy the thoughts. Just letting the feelings come and letting them go, no matter how long it takes. For example, today I have been getting bombarded with intrusive images of male genitalia and this strange anxiety feeling in my chest and stomach that I may very well freak out and think is enjoyment or happiness. Every fiber of my being wants to check and determine whether or not I do actually enjoy these thoughts (which I don’t want). I am not going to though because it is unhealthy. Like I said, at the very least, this is consuming too much of my day and driving me crazy. So, I’m not going to check, or respond to groinals, or any of that. I recommend you do the same. You aren’t alone.

Also, for any of you who might see this, I have done crazy shit trying to prove or disprove the thoughts. I have been somewhat convinced at points (and very unhappy at that prospect but still thinking that my mind was telling me I was happy with the thoughts). It feels like I have forgotten what I used to be like, and I can barely imagine myself with a wife in the future, which is a horrifying prospect to me. It does not matter. Other people have gone through this, perhaps even worse. Everyone thinks their case is different. Everyone thinks that they actually are what they fear. The only way forward is recognizing (1) that is bullshit and (2) that the goal should be freeing yourself from the obsessive thoughts by accepting uncertainty and resisting compulsions. Maybe you would be happy dating men. Maybe I would too. We owe it to ourselves to treat the OCD first though, and make whatever decision we are going to make after, without worrying what that might be in the future.

Or at least psych yourself out into thinking that you are. Or maybe you actually are. You gotta embrace the uncertainty. Don’t analyze!

Maybe! I truthfully cannot answer that for you. I can tell you that myself (and many others here) feel very similarly to you. It can feel like actual happiness. Maybe it is. Deal with the OCD first and your life will come together after. I am sorry I can’t give you anything more concrete.