My life and happines and soul have just been sucked out of me, im so empty and sad and dry, no motivation. I try so hard to find reasons to keep myself going. Struggling to be happy and enjoy things, while deep down i know everything is meaningless when im not myself. Its so freaking hard to stay motivated and do things when in the end its for nothing. If this wont go i wont be happy and thats a fact. If i will never feel like how i used to before hocd i wont ever be happy and thats so scary. I just had flashback from my life before and in a split second i felt how much easier everything was. I loved life, took care of myself because i wanted to be in my best state. All because i wanted to be the best version of myself for someone out there. Now i hate myself and cant bring myself to do anything cause there isnt someone out there for me anymore. I just want to be happy living my life again, enjoy the small things. The magic feeling that came with being in love and having crushes was indescribable and now its gone. All there is for me is school, friends and family and i know thats important but we all know a person needs love. A person desires it and gets lonely when they dont have it. And imagine being lonely and being incapable of being in love only cause of their stupid overthinking brain. I just wanna be normal, fall in love and make the dreams of my younger self come true. In the flashback i sensed how low ive got. Its insane, it feels like i dont wanna die but right now im just floating trough life because theres nothing else to do. I could only imagine what would happen if i became myself again. Like everything would change, my mood, my joy, my motivation would go up and i would be excited to do things again. I know theres more to life than finding love but knowing that im not capable to ever find it is tough. Especially when its something ive dreamed of since i was a child. And doing all the other things like school, hanging with friends and hanging with family is so hard when theres constant anxiety around. And its not that i havent been attracted to someone, there have been boys i kinda liked but its never more than that. I havent fallen in love once or felt more than just attraction towards them. And thats sad because i see boys i know i wouldve fallen in love with but my brain makes it impossible so there are so many chances i missed to finally having a boyfriend due to this. Now i have to stay away from boys so i wont hurt myself when I realize i cant be with them because im screwed up in the head. I could never give them my love because there isnt much love in me anymore. The true me has happiness but i dont anymore im just empty. And i dont want to be in a relationship when im empty. I want to be able to be good to them and love them and be happy and confident. Because this also took my confidence, i once was so confident and excited to meet new ppl and now im really insecure and negative and i dont dream anymore and i dont want to be a sad draining person forcing myself to be in love with someone. I want to be truly me in a relationship or i dont want it at all. I also attract the wrong people now cause my vibe and energy is just off. Im not the bubbly girly me anymore now im the depressed sad shy akward girl because everything gives me anxiety. Im losing all my teenage years cause of this. I always dreamed of being 18 and now i am and it couldnt be worse. I had so much potential i thought i was strong, undefeated, untouchable but all it took to destroy me was that one thought: what if im gay

Hey girll, i was 16 to when this started... omg i completely relate with eveything u said, especially when u said that ur life was just beginning to be exciting. Same for me, i was growing up, had friends went to a new school all that and I couldnt wait for my life to blossom. Now i feel like my blossoming into womanhood has been interupted by this. Like some harshly said: stop, thats not happening, from now on you will be a sad depressed teenager who is afraid to go to the places she used to love to go, because now everything gives off anxiety. Littefsly everything. Girls give anxiery bc ik afraid im attracted to them, boys give me anxiety because i dont feel any attraction to them while before hocd i would get butterflies from any attractive boy, my school gives me anxiety because im not motivated at all. I cant even dream anymore. All my creativity is gone.. i always was so feminine and loved getting ready, putting on makeup, dressing up, now when i do that its like... for what??? I also always wanted husband and kids omg it was my biggest dream. Now that dream feels soooo far away and unreachable. You have to know ur not alone. There are more of us out there... ill stay hoping for a cure. Your not weird, your not finding out ur sexuality later in life, the anxiety comes from you freaking out about losing a part of ur identity and thats totally normal. Posts like yours remind me im not going crazy because u feel exactly what i feel. I hope one day there will be recognition for this issue because its so hard to speak about it with someone. Maybe they wont understand or think ur actually gay or something, you know.. its so complicated. I will say the first year it will be tough because you have to get used to eveything changing. Suddenly every thought where u normally placed a boy, now u start stressing about if its even a boy. Like ur first kiss, ur husband, when u go on a date or sum, or when u imagine going on trips w ur bf, like eveything switches and i know thats so scary and u have the full right to be freaked out. Purely because its not actually you. But i promise how longer it is the more u get used to it so it wont be as tough. I know it sounds so sad because its like u start accepting ur hocd and u have to give up ur hapiness but itll make you feel more at peace when eventually ur so used to it doesnt really give u that much anxiety. I also recommend telling ppl ur depressed so they understand if you might act different. I always use that because my friends be like: omg r u gay? U never hang with a boy how come?? I always say im feeling depressed so its not for me right now. And trust me they understand especially because depression is reaaally common under teenagers. Im not rlly brave enough to tell them its hocd lol im so afraid of their answers. Its so hard yo not be relaxed and truly yourself like i have sooo many cases where i was so mad because i got to do and expierence thingd i always dreamed of when i was young, but i had to expierence them with hocd and that made eveything into a living hell. Like parties, girl trips all that but i promise i promise i promise itll get easier. And when it does u start to think more clear and youll start to think abut sultions. Like maybe therapy or maybe youll even get over it by yourself. Give it time, time heals. I used to come on this app everyday to vent. Now i only come here like once in 4 months or something. A good tip is to find good friends who maybe have mental issues to. They understand and you will have less anxiery around them :) i really hope the best for you and that hocd wont be so hard on you! Wish u the best xxx

Nope i cant afford im a student. These were my bottled up feelings lol I didn’t post on here for like half a year so i had to get my thoughts out somewhere

Omg thank you so much!!!! I will defenitly be reading these suggestions for help :) truly thank you xxx