Just spent the last hour asking my boyfriend the same questions over and over and confessing about how he is too stupid for me and how we probably arent supposed to be together. And asking him if he is stupid and why and everything. On a loop. "Why do you hate me so much?", "why do you want me to die", "why are you so mean to me?", and reacting when he doesnt answer "correctly". And something the back of my mind begs me to stop, but I just HAVE TO keep going ... I feel bad. And guilty. And I am. I am being abusive towards my boyfriend by telling him he's stupid and asking why he wants me to die. And all I want is for us to just ... hug and have a good time. But my mind goes crazy and I loose my mind. I feel crazy and like I cant stop. And even now typing how I realize this is wrong and Im being rude and disrespectful all I can think is "what if he is stupid!?!?!", "what if we shouldnt be together" and needing to figure it out. It all makes me want to stop existing. Im so sick of being like this. Sabotaging everything. Do I choose to be like this? We all have free will dont we? So Im basically choosing to be abusive towards my bf? What if I dont love him or what if I hate him? Is this normal ROCD? Or am I just blaming OCD for being a shitty person?

You're not rude. Did you leave him or did he never do it again? I dont say that I cant stop. Im saying it feels that way. And whenever it gets this bad my mind alters. And it feels like neither one of us is real so why should I stop? It's like its not even happening and I want to kill myself so I get out of it. And that makes it hard to choose to not. Its like I cant seem to remember that I can stop. Maybe if I found a way to remind me to not go down the rabbit hole before it got this far. But I dont know how. He is not comfortable with not reassurancing me so I need to find something else than asking him to leave the conversation whenever I start.

@asdfghj We are still together. He recovered from OCD and then I ended up having it and I almost did the same thing to him. We have been together for 3 years and have overcome these battles. There is a way to remind yourself to not go down the rabbit hole, it’s to do ERP. I promise you it works. It stopped my ROCD almost completely. Now I have other themes to deal with bc ROCD is out of the way but it works. Have you tried treatment yet? If not I suggest purchasing some OCD workbooks too, I do those on my own outside of therapy and they help a lot. My boyfriend ended up telling me he will not reassure me anymore because he knows it’s a compulsion, and was his compulsion at one point. We both cut eachother off and hold eachother accountable for our actions. Now that he’s recovered he refuses to engage in any assurance, even when I have a panic attack. And it’s for the best. It feels so bad at first, it probably took me two weeks to get used to it and sometimes I still seek it but it has gotten significantly better and our relationship feels completely different and fixed almost. I don’t have ROCD thoughts anymore. Maybe once every two weeks I’ll get it but ERP helped me so much I literally don’t get it at all anymore. It took months of hard work though, I say you do the same.

@charleejadeg Thank you for sharing. Im happy to hear you have found ways to get better. I have tried to tell my boyfriend how to not reassure me, but he still does and sometimes I go down the rabbit hole. I have started to do ERP on my own and I know it helps, and me and my bf try not to lean too much on each other as we both struggle with mental illness. Im having my first appointment with an OCD specialist in 4 weeks. I have done therapy for the last 11 years, and had OCD for 16. And sadly my therapist hasnt realised it was OCD. Now I am already seeing results from doing ERP. So Im hopeful. And Ive been reading about it. I think doing ERP exercises definetely helps to remind me when an OCD episode occurs, but sometimes its just out of reach. As if I forget all about anything but the obsessions and compulsions, dont know if youve ever felt that way? I know my bf is a grown man that can make his own choices. But sometimes I see how me having OCD harms him, and whether it would be better to break up until I get better at preventing my compulsions. He thinks I shouldnt, but I debate it. Because I see how I have hurt him many times in ways no one should.

@asdfghj Break up or no break up, you’d have to find a way to not confess when you’re with him. If it is too overwhelming right now to be in a relationship then yes, maybe take a break so you can be at a point where you have enough strength to push forward with your relationship. For me, I realized there was no way for me to recover from ROCD without my boyfriend, I have to practice ERP in real life circumstances and breaking up just bc of OCD will keep you from those real life exposures that are crucial to recovery. Also yes I have experienced that sort of feeling where I see the ERP working but then the second the panic and overwhelming sensations come I throw it all out the window ... its truly hard. But it’s all apart of the journey. I’m so happy to hear that you’re going to get treatment soon and that you’re doing ERP. Keep pushing through and please be kind to yourself, and try to remind your boyfriend that in order for you to recover you have to be cut off from compulsions. I believe in your recovery, you just need to not engage with these behaviors anymore. I too have felt guilty for my actions bc of ROCD, but guilt doesn’t do any good. Choosing to be positive and move forward and keep growing and changing for the better will be your way out, ERP is going to help you do this.

@charleejadeg I do need to find a way to stop. But Ive been considering the same thing you said that breaking up would mean escaping getting better. And sometimes I even think ruining the relationship is my goal in a way. In a twisted way. And that breaking up is just another form of compulsive avoidance. At the same time it breaks my heart because I can visibly see that my bf is hurt from this. But he keeps telling me he wants to be together. I realise guilt is not really helping. But a part me feels like I shouldnt be kind to myself when I have it in me to do these things. When Im not panicked I see how my thoughts are ridiculous and harmful. In the moment, as everyone with OCD, it seems life or death important. But still I am the one who is abusive... Thank you for responding.

@charleejadeg Of course

I dont think you are harsh or rude. And I am sorry about not putting a trigger warning on it. I was quite out of my head when I wrote it, and probably shouldnt have as I wasnt able to see if it was triggering or not. I am sorry to hear that you have been abused. And I do agree that this is abusive. And of course my bf deserves apologies and gets it. Thank you for the suggestions about writing the confessions. I do disagree that I am gaslighting him, gaslighting is as I see it making someone doubt their own mind and their own experiences. And to both of you replying, you both seem to manage your OCD better than me. When you say that we have full control over it, why do anyone ever do compulsions at all? Do all of us choose to be sick?

@asdfghj When we chose compulsions it is because we are seeking relief from the torment and anxiety. When we don’t know that accepting uncertainty can help us, and when we don’t have the right tools, our compulsions are what we think “keep us safe”. We think our compulsions give us answers and security. But most don’t know that their compulsions are why the anxiety is still there, they overtime make our OCD worse. We don’t want to be sick, we want to be free from uncertainty. But it is uncertainty that sets us free.

@charleejadeg But if we feel forced to do compulsions to get out of torment how can one claim that we are in full control of it? I dont think im the only one who feels like OCD controls my life. I mean I still think I am responsible, of course! Im the one who has to deal with the consequences and make things right or live with isolation and stuff. But if anyone had full control over it wouldnt we all be better?

@asdfghj Fear makes you do irrational things. And yes, everyone is in control. Which is why when you start treatment and recovery you see Immense progress. Who knows why people chose compulsions, could be habit, could be the fact that it relieves their anxiety temporality so the torment leaves. It all depends.

@charleejadeg So in a way we all live under an illusion that we are powerless? In realising we are powerful and in control we can start to change. I literally believe I would die if I challenge my anxiety. If I dont compulse I will die. And sometimes Im sure I and everyone around me is actually dead already. BUT not compulsing shows me Im not dead and I wont die. So doing ERP helps me start to believe the OCD as a lie. And as I do that I realise I am in control. ... this was quite empowering. Maybe I am in control. Or at least CAN be. And maybe realising that makes the difference... because if I dont _realise_ I AM in control how could I in any effect BE. ... this has given me something to think about. Thinking about it this way, as a choice: it seems better to chose death than have to endure "feeling like dying". Im so scared. Im gonna write this down. Thank you both.

@asdfghj Of course.

@asdfghj u just have to not give into the urge. you have the choice to say no to ocd and walk away from doing compulsions, even though it won’t feel like you have that control. ofc we don’t want to be sick, but the consequences of our thoughts being real scare us so much, we are propelled into doing compulsions. but again, u have complete control over ur actions. u can do this