I have mentioned this in replies of others posts, but I’m having a bad flare POCD flare up right now. So backstory time. When I was 19 I was having bad HOCD and OCD that obsessed over my gender identity. I found a website that had lots of hentai comics. I found a lot there that I did like but I guess I was going into overdrive trying to reassure myself that I was straight and found myself clicking on a few shota ones. Now back then I had no clue just what shota actually was. I merely thought it was consent age guys that looked really young. There was a lot of things that I didn’t know about And for the record: I did not look up these hentai because of the fact that they were shota, and in fact I ended up picturing myself as the shota and having all the depicted acts done to me by someone older. I realized after a while that looking at those things was really bad and I stopped. And I was ashamed. And disgusted that I had let myself do that. So I vowed never to do that again. And it worked pretty well. I forgot all about having done that and when I did remember I chalked it up to being dumb and desperate for relief from HOCD and I looked down on anyone who actively enjoyed that stuff Well, cut to a few days ago. My brain tells me I should look up one of them again. And what did I do? I looked it up. And let’s be clear: I’m 25 now. There’s no good reason at all why I should have looked that up. And I fell into the old mindset of imagining myself as the shota and having those acts done to me. and I feel complete shame. And disgust. This feeling is consuming me. Even though now my brain is telling me that I secretly liked it all along and that I do like it and that I’m lying to you all by saying I don’t. My immediate thought is to lock myself in my room and not come out ever. I don’t want to harm kids. I want to protect them from things like this! I hate it when there blatant sexualization of minors in media. I want pedophiles to pay for what they’ve done to innocent children. I want to be a mother someday. The kind that protects her children from this no matter what. But I’m just so worried about this. I want to back to how it was before I looked it up again and banish the knowledge of its existence from my mind forever. I feel like I should be arrested and put in jail so I can’t harm anyone. And what makes it worse is I feel like all the characters and people that I know I’m attracted to (ie Claude from Fire Emblem, Leon from Sword and Shield, Dan Avidan from game grumps) I’m not attracted to anymore, or my brain keeps trying to label them as minors when I know they’re not