I just can’t get over that I looked up that shota hentai! I’m 25! There’s no reason why I should have looked at it! I shouldn’t have looked at it from ages 19-20 either but I did (to be fair I don’t think I realized what shota actually was at the time) I feel so ashamed. I wish I had never done that. Then maybe I wouldn’t have stupid POCD and I could get in with my life. I don’t even know what’s true anymore :(

Hokay but it’s kind of a long one. Okay so when I was 19 I was dealing with HOCD and transgender OCD at the same time. I was looking at a lot of porn and hentai comics. I guess I was trying to check and reassure myself that way? I’m not entirely sure. Anyway I guess I just kept getting deeper and deeper and ran across a few shota hentai comics. I don’t really know. I can’t remember that far back. And maybe I blocked it out since then. I don’t know. Anyways I started masturbating to these comics. I know I didn’t do it because they were shota (and as I’ve said before I don’t really think I fully understood what shota actually was at the time) and I found myself imagining myself as the shota. I didn’t look for these comics all the time but occasionally I would. And then after a while I guess I decided to look up what shota was and I felt so bad. I honestly don’t remember how it all happened. All I do know is that I started getting intrusive thoughts really bad and I decided I would never look those hentai comics up again. I struggled a bit but I finally managed to do it. And somehow the thoughts didn’t occur as much as they did and I was so good for a few years. I don’t think it was any sort of addiction. I didn’t have any seriously bad intrusive thoughts but I would have minor ones every now and again. God reading all that back makes me feel horrible. And then about a week ago I was already masturbating and something made me decide to look up one of those hentai. And afterwards I felt bad but it didn’t get really bad until two days later when I started having intrusive thoughts again. And here we are. I feel bad. I feel disgusted with myself. I shouldn’t ever be trusted around children. Reading what I’ve just typed makes me feel like I really am a disgusting pedo.

@ArtNinjaGirl I feel your pain. I constantly am trying to figure out whether or not I find the body of a child attractive.

@lmolnar it's so tiring

@ArtNinjaGirl But I know I had always been attracted to men of my age and older. I’ve had a few crushes on men that were ten + years older than me (celebrities obviously) and once freaked out from intrusive thoughts that I was attracted to my step grandfather. But of course OCD is making me feel like I just made all of that up and are lying to you

I meant lying in the sense that I feel disgusted and horrible and that I was always attracted to same-age or older men

I know it may be all fine and dandy in Japan but that’s practically CP here!!

@ArtNinjaGirl what is shota hentai?

Do you know what loli is?

@ArtNinjaGirl no

@lmolnar I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to trigger you or possibly criminalize myself further

@ArtNinjaGirl does it mean childlike male appearance?

@lmolnar Yeah. Or at least that’s what I thought when I first look it up years ago.

@ArtNinjaGirl well, if you didn't know it was similar to CP, I wouldn't worry too much. If you knew it was similar, you most likely wouldn't have looked it up.

@lmolnar I wish I had never ever looked it up. Ever. I wouldn’t be so distressed and possibly in trouble now if I hadn’t.