I feel empty inside and short of breath. Do I even know if this is POCD anymore??? I wish I had never looked up that shota, and I know my life would be so much better if I hadn’t...but do I? Or am I lying? I have writings from previous years (diaries/OCD forum posts) and memories that say I was attracted to men my own age or older. Is that a lie too? And was that really me who wrote those? I know what discovering something about oneself feels like and this is NOT it. I once learned I wouldn’t mind fucking aliens (you have mass effect to thank for that. Garrus Vakarian specifically) and I am still okay with fucking aliens. I love Garrus and Jaal. But do I really know? And do I really love them? I know what actual arousal feels like. I felt it listening to an audio for a character that is of legal age. And I felt it while watching gay porn that contained two actual men of legal age and were actually older. Or do I? And did i? I know I enjoyed writing/reading nsfw fanfictions and reading nsfw comics starring characters that were of legal age. I know I also made sure there was no underage of any kind. Or did I? I know I had my first crush in 6th grade. He was in my class. I couldn’t stop looking for him. I began to care what he thought about me. I’d get embarrassed if anyone suspected I liked him, which was only a handful of times since I tried not to make it obvious lol. Or did I make all that up? I know when I was 14, several months before my HOCD first sucker punched me in the gut, I was just beginning to lightly worry that I was attracted to other girls. I was on vacation far from home and I was feeling kind of down. But then I met our tour guide. He was handsome and he cheered me right up and I got nervous (good nervous) around him. And even felt embarrassed when my grandmother seemed to have caught on and teased me about it. Or was I pretending? I know I generally tend to go for broad shouldered older men with dark/tan skin, dark hair, and chest hair (Jeff goldblum in Independence Day, Mark ruffalo in avengers, Jesse McCree in Overwatch). Or did I fake liking those? I know I was completely shameless in my attraction to Leon from Pokémon Sword and Shield, who is most definitely in his twenties. But am I really sure? I know when Markiplier came out with his limited supply and autographed nude calendar I wanted to get one but didn’t cause I wasn’t sure how I could ever explain it to my mom. Or did I lie about wanting one? And did I fake being attracted to/crushing on him for three years? I know I felt real pain and bawled my eyes out when I learned Dan Avidan from game grumps (who is sixteen years older than me and also doesn’t even know I exist) had a girlfriend. It was a very hard day. But was it? Or did I just pretend? I know when I learned what Japan’s legal age was I felt like that wasn’t right. That it was too young. Or was I secretly happy? I know when I saw how Sarada was drawn in the Boruto manga, I was furious. She’s twelve for God’s sake! Or was I secretly enjoying it? I know when the scandal involving Epst**n and M**well came out, I was horrified and sad. Who would do something like that to poor sweet children? Or did I? When I would see old stranger danger videos, I would feel like the men trying to convince these kids were gross. Or did I secretly want to be them? I know I’ve always had a strong maternal side, and was like the worrying older sister/mom in my friend group in high school, and as such decided I wanted to have children of my own to protect and love. Or do I? And how do I know I won’t want to hurt them? I know when I held my baby niece for the first time I loved her right away and wanted to do anything to protect her. Or did I actually want to harm her?