- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
if this is causing you emotional pain and pushing your ocd/anxiety further, maybe it’s time to put yourself first. although you probably love her it might not be the best choice for your mental state. i hope this will work out for you but if it doesn’t then you will find someone lovely who doesn’t test your limits and makes you feel safe. i hope and pray you find help in everything you’re looking for. xoxo
- Date posted
- 6y
That's a hard situation to be in, but I think you did the right thing in setting boundaries, especially when it comes to drugs and / or alcohol. You put your foot down and told her what you expect out of a relationship, and if she can't respect that it's not fair to you!
- Date posted
- 6y
I'm sorry about that. It sounds stressful. But it sins like it used to happen more, and now not as much, so that is good. I understand more now, that you aren't trying to control her, just stressed out and wanting to feel more important to her. ?❤ I don't know what she's going through, or her side, but it sounds like you care a lot about her! I hope things continue to get better.
- Date posted
- 6y
She’s not doing drugs anymore*^
- Date posted
- 6y
Or so I choose to believe
- Date posted
- 6y
Dating someone with alcohol or drug problems is really difficult. AlAnon helped me make some space for myself and realize I was trying to control something I couldn't control. Trying to control another person will give you anxiety!! Period. Set boundaries for yourself, what is healthy for you. Trying to change your girlfriend and make her feel wrong all the time is going to continue to make you and her miserable. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Accept her as she is and offer what support you are willing and able to give. I really don't know enough about the OCD side to comment about that. But I really get the sense you need to stop trying to control her behavior and focus instead on your own well being. One option could be lifting the limits on when she has to come home. Then no more lies or broken promises. Let her be free. If that doesn't work with your lifestyle, another option could be living separately but still dating. Maybe you two can find something that works for both of you and also creates a happy relationship. Creating more space in a relationship can feel threatening and scary because change might mean things are ending? Or? What? The fear of the unknown is definitely a hindrance to change, though. I recently realized I need to sleep in a separate room than my partner, as it was creating more stress than the benefits it provided. We still can visit each other and sleep over in each other's rooms sometimes, but knowing I have my own space has helped my psyche immensely, and really decreased the amount of stress in our relationship, as we had some incompatibilities with our needs in the evenings. I have in the past, been in a situation of trying to control a boyfriend who was doing drugs and lying. It was so stressful. I was crying all the time, scared to the point of terror, angry to the point of rage, and felt like I was going crazy, because he would flip from completely normal, to lying to my face with a needle in his hand. I didn't get the support I needed and tried to figure out everything on my own. Looking back, I definitely wish I had talked to more people about it, including his family and friends who cared about him, and my own personal help or therapy. I ended up moving out very quickly and taking years to recover from the trauma, and still get triggered in current relationship, because of that time period. I'm glad you are reaching out. I'm no expert, so take what you want from what I say, and dismiss the rest. What I truly wish for you is peaceful, joyful life and relationships. Lots and lots of support, and whatever learning and growth that nurtures you.
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you all. The thing is, she’s not currently working and I’m currently supporting us. I come home at 5. She’s gone all day at her sisters when this happens but it hurts when she doesn’t make an effort to see me before bed or have dinner together. This has happened 5 or 6 times in the last 6 months. Before that it was 3-4 times a week. I don’t believe she’s using drugs anymore but I’d like to see her make better choices and have more respect for me and my time. I don’t feel like this is controlling behavior from my end. I feel like it’s a matter of what I deserve. I believe if I were a priority to her she would show that by sticking to her word. “I tell her just let me know when you’re coming home” and she texts me the estimate. Then as it gets closer “well I’m going to stay for dinner now” then after a while “sorry I played a game of pool” and then later “ok I may have had too much to drink i don’t think I can drive home sorry please don’t be mad” And I’m not mad that she chose to not drive drunk- I’m happy about that. I’m just mad that she couldn’t stick to what she told me. Plans changing is really hard on my ocd. Even harder when it’s someone i love who knows that. And harder than that when they don’t seem to want to spend the same time with me when I’ve been so accommodating.
- Date posted
- 6y
Idk if my beliefs are unrealistic so it’s hard to know what to do
- Date posted
- 6y
Oh and yesterday night was important to me because I had a doctors appt that was stressful with x rays and I told her all I want to do is come home and have a wine with you after. Which never happened.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
- Date posted
- 20w
Does Rocd make it nearly impossible to forgive your partner for anything. Whether it is big or small? My situation is so gray area where there’s something my bf did that I feel like I’m not okay with but he did this when we were first dating (not bf and gf yet). I ruminate all day about it bc I don’t want to lose him and see a future with him and I know he loves me so purely. But I also feel like I’m going against my morals here bc I do feel betrayed by what he did. I try to forgive him by diminishing my feelings and telling myself “he never did anything physical with a girl or went out with another girl while we were together” but still feel so hurt that he even messaged another girl while us dating. He’s given me an explanation and has proved how much I can trust him so I’m just completely stuck on whether I should forgive something I know I would’ve never done to him or leave him even though the only thing he’s done wrong was before us becoming official. I’ve broken up with him countless times over this situation bc I feel like I “can’t live with it” but then immediately when we break up I want him back and I kind of understand his explanation and reasoning. I don’t know what is ocd and what is my real intuition anymore. I genuinely think it’s both. Are any of you guys in the same boat?
- Date posted
- 11w
me and my girlfriend since we started dating we be only had one problem, and that is my fear of everything of losing her of her cheating, and it’s all caused by OCD. my texts are massive and i get worried i know i love her and she makes me calm i know i love her. we had a conversation yesterday and basically she said that she feels suffocated with my texts and my fears. she went on trip were she doesn’t have her phone. and yesterday i spent the entire day crying about her. my head is filled with intrusive thoughts. and last night i got so stressed that it seemed like the love went away or i couldn’t remember the love, but it’s impossible because i was crying about her yesterday. this struggle my relationship is having is making me so stressed. pls give me advice
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