- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
if this is causing you emotional pain and pushing your ocd/anxiety further, maybe it’s time to put yourself first. although you probably love her it might not be the best choice for your mental state. i hope this will work out for you but if it doesn’t then you will find someone lovely who doesn’t test your limits and makes you feel safe. i hope and pray you find help in everything you’re looking for. xoxo
- Date posted
- 6y
That's a hard situation to be in, but I think you did the right thing in setting boundaries, especially when it comes to drugs and / or alcohol. You put your foot down and told her what you expect out of a relationship, and if she can't respect that it's not fair to you!
- Date posted
- 6y
I'm sorry about that. It sounds stressful. But it sins like it used to happen more, and now not as much, so that is good. I understand more now, that you aren't trying to control her, just stressed out and wanting to feel more important to her. ?❤ I don't know what she's going through, or her side, but it sounds like you care a lot about her! I hope things continue to get better.
- Date posted
- 6y
She’s not doing drugs anymore*^
- Date posted
- 6y
Or so I choose to believe
- Date posted
- 6y
Dating someone with alcohol or drug problems is really difficult. AlAnon helped me make some space for myself and realize I was trying to control something I couldn't control. Trying to control another person will give you anxiety!! Period. Set boundaries for yourself, what is healthy for you. Trying to change your girlfriend and make her feel wrong all the time is going to continue to make you and her miserable. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Accept her as she is and offer what support you are willing and able to give. I really don't know enough about the OCD side to comment about that. But I really get the sense you need to stop trying to control her behavior and focus instead on your own well being. One option could be lifting the limits on when she has to come home. Then no more lies or broken promises. Let her be free. If that doesn't work with your lifestyle, another option could be living separately but still dating. Maybe you two can find something that works for both of you and also creates a happy relationship. Creating more space in a relationship can feel threatening and scary because change might mean things are ending? Or? What? The fear of the unknown is definitely a hindrance to change, though. I recently realized I need to sleep in a separate room than my partner, as it was creating more stress than the benefits it provided. We still can visit each other and sleep over in each other's rooms sometimes, but knowing I have my own space has helped my psyche immensely, and really decreased the amount of stress in our relationship, as we had some incompatibilities with our needs in the evenings. I have in the past, been in a situation of trying to control a boyfriend who was doing drugs and lying. It was so stressful. I was crying all the time, scared to the point of terror, angry to the point of rage, and felt like I was going crazy, because he would flip from completely normal, to lying to my face with a needle in his hand. I didn't get the support I needed and tried to figure out everything on my own. Looking back, I definitely wish I had talked to more people about it, including his family and friends who cared about him, and my own personal help or therapy. I ended up moving out very quickly and taking years to recover from the trauma, and still get triggered in current relationship, because of that time period. I'm glad you are reaching out. I'm no expert, so take what you want from what I say, and dismiss the rest. What I truly wish for you is peaceful, joyful life and relationships. Lots and lots of support, and whatever learning and growth that nurtures you.
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you all. The thing is, she’s not currently working and I’m currently supporting us. I come home at 5. She’s gone all day at her sisters when this happens but it hurts when she doesn’t make an effort to see me before bed or have dinner together. This has happened 5 or 6 times in the last 6 months. Before that it was 3-4 times a week. I don’t believe she’s using drugs anymore but I’d like to see her make better choices and have more respect for me and my time. I don’t feel like this is controlling behavior from my end. I feel like it’s a matter of what I deserve. I believe if I were a priority to her she would show that by sticking to her word. “I tell her just let me know when you’re coming home” and she texts me the estimate. Then as it gets closer “well I’m going to stay for dinner now” then after a while “sorry I played a game of pool” and then later “ok I may have had too much to drink i don’t think I can drive home sorry please don’t be mad” And I’m not mad that she chose to not drive drunk- I’m happy about that. I’m just mad that she couldn’t stick to what she told me. Plans changing is really hard on my ocd. Even harder when it’s someone i love who knows that. And harder than that when they don’t seem to want to spend the same time with me when I’ve been so accommodating.
- Date posted
- 6y
Idk if my beliefs are unrealistic so it’s hard to know what to do
- Date posted
- 6y
Oh and yesterday night was important to me because I had a doctors appt that was stressful with x rays and I told her all I want to do is come home and have a wine with you after. Which never happened.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
- Date posted
- 18w
I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?
- Date posted
- 14w
Does anyone else struggle with object permanence in relationships? Like whenever my partner is out of the house I immediately think negatively or I find things wrong with the relationship or him… For background my partner and I always fight over chores (I know it’s common but it’s annoying) I definitely pull more weight than him and I think he has ADHD, which makes him struggle to help and be aware of helping. Lately we’ve been somewhat good with splitting meals and dishes whatever, I know it can change with work stress, fatigue whatever. But last week my partner was out of the house watching his uncle’s dog so he was barely home. He was sleeping over at his uncles house and would come home for meals sometimes and stuff like that. I started becoming super fixated on him not helping with the dishes before he left and would constantly feel urges to yell about it. Even though the week prior everything was good when it came to that (sometimes with my ROCD I’ll even question myself and be like was it?) so I have started 4 separate fights arguing about dishes and chores and mentioning that he doesn’t help enough and if this continues I’ll have to leave… it’s so hard for me to snap out of it and just realize that he was going back and forth and didn’t think to help because he was busy with helping his uncle. And then I get such a negative view of him in my head that I nitpick his appearance, I make comments, etc, because my underlying fear is he doesn’t care to help, he will never change, and we will fail. So it’s almost like I’m looking to have a reason to run before I actually need to? It’s a constant cycle for me and I’m truly so exhausted by myself. But also relationships are so hard for me because I struggled SO much with trying to depend on others that I almost don’t let myself depend on others…. Any advice is appreciated but also just like do you also experience this? Thank you & pls be kind 🥺🥺🥺
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