My boyfriend said I love you and I said it back. I have back been in therapy for OCD, specifically a relationship theme, for about 3 weeks. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 months. I started having a lot of doubts (followed by compulsions) about a month in when we made it official. I've been very very nervous about him saying "I love you" to me, because I felt like I would want to say it back, but I don't know if I feel it like I am supposed to. I have been in love before and not had this kind of indecision. My last serious relationship was 3 years ago. It wasn't that long of a relationship, but serious enough to say "I love you." I didn't experience ROCD then. But I did kind of have a mix of ROCD/scrupulosity toward the beginning. Essentially, that person was an atheist and I'm a lapsed evangelical. I started to feel like we were unequally yoked and went back to wondering if I believed the right things blah blah blah. So I guess it had a relationship tinge to it, but it wasn't specific doubts about my feelings for him. It was more like doubts about my beliefs and if being with him was okay or "right." My point being that while I had an OCD flare during that relationship, it wasn't like this. I don't expect everything to feel the same. I just feel like maybe I'm a fraud. Anyway, the point of this post was to say that my current boyfriend told me he loved me last night. It was via text (I am quarantining right now and he was very nervous). I immediately felt panic...like what the fuck should I do?? This was what I had been worried about. It's one of the more tangible fears I had told my therapist about. I made the decision to call him and say it back. I don't know if it was the right decision. Part of me feels like a liar or a fraud. I have been trying to focus less on my feelings and more on what I want. What I want is to be with this person because they are kind and caring. He has watched me cry due to my anxiety and held my hand and hugged me tightly. He laughs at my jokes and nerds out with me when we watch Lord of the Rings. He is kind to my friends (which is very important to me) and kind to his as well. He is creative and a deep thinker. I can see myself having a child with this person, even though I haven't even been sure I ever want a child. That's something, right? I really want it to work. I have dated...a lot. It has been exhausting and a roller coaster. And I finally found a stable source of comfort. And yet I feel like I am chasing some mysterious feeling or worried it is missing. So I said it back because I want it. And maybe that is wrong. I really don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. Just needed to vent.

Relationship OCD

pureolife

Date posted: 4y

Great job! 👏🏻 you did the right thing. From everything you said here, it sounds like you have a great partner and you have ROCD. 🤷‍♀️ it happens! It’s great you’re in therapy and working on this. And it’s okay this theme didn’t attach to previous partners in the same way (ocd changes a lot over the years. All it means is you have ocd. It says nothing about the partner themselves, other than that you value them because ocd attacks what we value.)

Rob21k

Date posted: 4y

I had been doing a lot better recently. Compulsions were down. Thoughts weren’t as loud. But now I’m anxious and annoyed because this should have been a very happy moment and instead I feel like I’m a liar. It brought all of the urgency back. I’m just very confused and mad at the whole situation. He knows I have ocd, but does not know the theme. I’m conflicted on whether I should tell him. I hadn’t said anything specific because our relationship is pretty new and it felt like explaining those doubts would be too much. Just really feel like mush right now. It doesn’t help that we haven’t really been able to spend time together.

pureolife

Date posted: 4y

@Rob21k I think it’s better to avoid discussing any content with partners but especially in the case of ROCD. It can actually be very harmful to the relationship and cruel to the other person. It’s totally fine to tell him you’re struggling without disclosing the thoughts themselves. This is definitely a high trigger for a theme like this. Any big relationship events are so hard. I know it’s hard to keep this up and feels exhausting but all your hard work will pay off.

pureolife

Date posted: 4y

@pureolife OCD can rob us of many nice moments. But with treatment we can look forward to enjoying future milestones without this unbearable urge for compulsions.

Serio?

Date posted: 4y

Oh yea I sometimes have my mind trying to make me feel like a liar but just ignore it dude

annano

Date posted: 4y

This is sooooo relatable

Rob21k

Date posted: 4y

Are you dealing with it okay?

annano

Date posted: 4y

@Rob21k Well I kinda have something similar going on with the “ I love you thing” and I’m currently in therapy through NOCD doing ERP. I had to write a story talking about worst case scenarios surrounding my relationship and all the fears I have. It’s been helping but it’s still hard.

Rob21k

Date posted: 4y

@annano Ugh that’s basically my homework assignment this week.

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