Weird question but does anyone get the random fear that you actually “enjoy” the intrusive thoughts and OCD is just an excuse and you don’t want to get better? Or am I crazy. Of course I want to be free :(

All the time ! And then you try to tell yourself you’re so psycho that you’ve got the therapist believing you have OCD and that you’re hiding things from them etc. but the reality is, if you were a sociopath or a psychopath the therapist WOULD KNOW. They wouldn’t lie to you and tell you that you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Yes! Often times I'm afraid that I'm just telling myself it's OCD because I want an easy way out of the guilt or whatever I'm obsessing over, it makes everything 10 times harder.

That's really common, alot of people feel that way. You're not alone.

True that. I’m struggling to trust my therapist atm and she’s an expert

I worry that I'm just someone who never learned how to properly ask for attention, and because I feel like I lack it, I'm always trying to find things wrong with me so that maybe people will pay attention to me. OCD feels like one of those things that makes me feel sympathetic enough for people to care about me (to be clear, I'm fairly confident I have OCD, and despite my chronic doubt, I think there's been solid evidence throughout my life of obsessive/compulsive tendencies). But I sometimes I fear that I'm a narcissist making my OCD up for attention. At that point I'm like dang, I know SOMETHING is wrong with me.

Of course. You can fear practically anything and make it feel somewhat real, cause we have really clever brains.

I always feel that. I feel like I’ve outsmarted my therapist and being a psycho I have manipulated my brain to think I have OCD which is why I have characteristics of OCD, and on and on. But people who study the mind know all about this sort of thing! I have talked to my therapist about it and she told me when people come in with OCD she (and most professionals, are making notes all about certain things they do and say, etc to see if they are actually a sociopath/psychopath and can figure it out in a matter of weeks) she commented on certain things I did and told me there are certain things she’s not going to tell me because she doesn’t want my OCD using against me. All of which proved to her I wasn’t either of those things. OCD is so much more terrifying than people realize. My therapist told me they used to think it was an anxiety disorder (continually falsely proved by the fact that everyone with OCD has anxiety, but that’s only because of the stress it puts on us) but realized a few years ago it is so much more serious than that and falls into a category of its own. You are not a psychopath or sociopath you’re a fucking warrior!

An OCD symptom is making you believe you’re making things up.

Yes, all the time!