I’m incredibly panicked; I found out about HOCD two weeks after my obsession started seven years ago, but I was a child. I was only 12. I didn’t understand that I needed to see a doctor, I didn’t even really understand OCD. I think I really don’t have it, because it didn’t just start with a random thought and then panic, it was like a slow build of thoughts as I spent time alone over Christmas break. This is the worst part: I have this memory of reading a yahoo answers page in which the writer was describing that she kind of “WANTED” to be gay and me agreeing with her. I AGREED WITH HER. I WANTED TO END UP GAY AT THE BEGINNING. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? IVE SPENT 7 YEARS IN AGONY. I CANT DO THIS. I DONT HAVE OCD. I DONT THINK I CAN GO ON. PLEASE SOMEONE JUST TELL ME IF THIS IS OCD

thanks for commenting. That’s the thing though: this memory is from the very, very beginning of my hocd, before it took over my life, before i told my mom about it, before anything. i’m afraid that i developed some internalized homophobia AFTER i told my mom about it.

see? not ocd

@missbluesky i knew it

@missbluesky If you think you developed internalized homophobia but you are stressing so much, doubting that you don’t have OCD then personally I don’t think you have internalized homophobia. Because if that’s the case then you would enjoy the thoughts and actually experience some same sex relationships. That is what OCD does. It is a personal bully.

@IsaacGee97 i’m so scared. I have the thoughts in the back of my head always, but i’m not always in crisis. that makes me feel like it’s not ocd also

@missbluesky Also feeling like dying? I don’t think anyone who is gay would want to just die because of the thought of being gay. They would enjoy same sex fantasies but you are dreading those. I’m the same way, I feel like death is the best way to avoid it but it’s OCD convincing you.

@IsaacGee97 i’m not sure if i feel like dying because i don’t want the fantasies or because i don’t want to WANT the fantasies

@missbluesky So you just don’t want to have them period. I’m in the same boat as you. But just don’t give up, if you truly want to be with the opposite gender like me wanting the same thing, then just don’t give up on yourself

yeah but this is actually real. this is real evidence

i do not want to be bisexual at all i think i’m gonna die

You’re not going to die. This is ocd talking and you know it. Talk some deep breaths. It’s going to be okay even if it doesn’t feel like it