Even when the thoughts die down I don't feel straight anymore, like this morning i was reading a smutty story because my friend writes them and i support her work and it was based off of an idol who i find attractive (male) and i read it and i found myself getting turned on, which felt normal to me as a female but when it was "over" i felt all wrong again, like my brain was fighting my body. It wasn't a groinal response I actually enjoyed myself. Can anyone explain why my brain still tries to fight me even with physical signs of my true sexual orientation? :(

i haven't officially been diagnosed... :((

@lexnot I don't want to self-diagnose myself and i'm afraid i won't ever get diagnosed, my mom simply doesn't believe I have OCD

@lexnot Well, we can’t know the future, of course. I know it’s challenging to have a loved one who isn’t supportive.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett It just feels so weird, the fact that my thoughts haunt me day and night with peace only ever being through sleep with the hope i won't have any sort of dreams, I have themes that match OCD and pain with death, i rememebr it got so bad one time i refused to eat, or drink or even sleep because i was afraid i'd choke to death or my throat would close, that was 4 years ago and to this day i still sometimes get panic attacks when eating food or i have to chew so slowly otherwise i'm afraid the food will "be too big" and i'll die, I feel like it's more than just anxiety. I feel like a fool. My mom knows about my thoughts with HOCD and death but she's so independent she believes you can solve everything yourself and that you just need to accept that life sucks and to move on, i can't do that and i feel like my brain is fighting me and i'm constantly losing. Whatever i'm feeling isnt good. I can't even say i love you to my female friends without panicking or even being alone with them induces anxiety out of me :( I also get intrusive thoughts about doing sexual things with loved ones and the thoughts are all so unwanted and i'm afraid i'm some sort of p-rv or p-do, i don't like any of my thoughts, they hinder me from doing everyday tasks or just being myself. I feel like i'm fighting a demon and it's winning.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett i'm sorry, i didn't mean for that to be such a long paragraph. Sometimes i feel better writing my feelings and i get short peace.

@lexnot No worries, it’s helpful to write our thoughts out at times. If possible, I’d recommend you read some of the following books. They are available digitally as well if you don’t want copies lying around your house. https://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Unwanted-Intrusive-Thoughts-Frightening/dp/1626254346 https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-Personalized/dp/042527389X https://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind-Into-Life/dp/1572244259 https://www.amazon.com/Needing-Know-Sure-Overcoming-Reassurance-ebook/dp/B07MMQ7HRK https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Workbook-OCD-Overcoming-Compulsions/dp/1608828786

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett What do you recommend for me to move forward? I want to seek professional help but i'm afraid to dive into details about why i need therapy and my mom won't be satisfied with a general answer, I know i'm technically an adult but I have no idea what i'm doing, i've had therapy before and it didn't work out and i'm afraid i'll get a bad therapist, i've checked out NOCDs therapists but you guys don't take keystone first :(

@lexnot I wish I had better advice, but it’s true that your options are fairly limited given your insurance situation and your mom’s personal views on professional help. The best you can do is point her to sources like the IOCDF’s page that has information about OCD and how it works. Ultimately, it might just take time until you’re able to afford it financially.

@NOCD Advocate - Carl Cornett She's not against me, she says she still loves me which helps but her "love" doesn't make the thoughts go away lol, i think parents assume if they reassure you about their love itll magically go away, :(( I try not to say too many negative things about my mother because i know from her perspective she just sees a child being sad, she doesn't know what's going on inside my head, i just feel invalid sometimes cause she tends to be the type of person to outweigh her stresses over mine, i have food on the table and a roof over my head so i shouldn't complain about anything, and i am grateful i just don't know what to do.