I had a hard session. I told my therapist I think how I imagine sex is weird. She said I should do some exposures and whatever I think or feel about sex or whatever I feel towards a man or a woman is ok. Just be accepting without analysis and sit with the feelings. I know it will be helpful, but I'm massively triggered! I'm scared to do the exposure because (I'm a woman) and I feel like I feel alot of sexual feeling towards women and I'm afraid to face them. I feel so afraid it will be true by doing this. My OCD is like this is the biggest proof and how could you have ignored this the whole time?! I feel like an idiot! When I think of sex I'll usually be triggered by women or a feeling of arousal that I have and then I think of sex. It gets confusing because I don't know if I want to think of a woman, but I don't feel much towards guys. I don't have alot of fantasies about men and I rarely feel arousal towards them. Or if I do think of sex with a guy I'm having thoughts about womens boobs and feeling like I'm aroused. I never really think of doing to a guy. [No offense to any men] But, I have felt disgust and even uninterested in their bodies. I have felt aroused by the act of sex with a guy but I have alot of confusing feelings. I just feel like a crazy person right now and I feel really triggered. How could I think I'm straight if I'm feeling this way? I just feel like I've pushed all this aside for along time and haven't examined it at all. I just needed to vent and get this out.

That’s okay! We all have different journeys. HOCD has really confused me as well. I wish I was turned on by abs and loved Jason momoa but I’m just not and I’m trying to be okay with that.

@wellwellwell Thank you! ❤️ I'm straight but I wish I could've been more boy crazy/ interested in sex before all of this. Although ocd still wouldn' lt have been convince and would've found a way to still doubt that hahaha

@thebeginning I’ve always been in love with men and obsessed but I just got so fixated by not being into like super muscular magic mike guys and being more turned on by like certain erotica than that of men and I think that has destroyed me

@wellwellwell Yeah I've had a few crushes on guys I knew and obviously I could acknowledge and like some celebrity when a celebrity man was attractive but I get so scared when with hocd say they were boy crazy and stuff but I've never been. I've also always just liked and obsessed over female celebrities more and hocd has had a feast with that.

I so relate to everything you said. All this started when I was really young. I've never been boy crazy and I also have rocd so relationships are hard for me and it's rare I feel attracted to someone. It makes all of this super confusing. I've only had a few crushes on male celebrities and definitely don't drool over all of them like my friends do so that's worried me too. So get what you are saying and you aren't alone!

@reg285 Everyone is different. Some people are boy crazy, some aren’t. This means absolutely nothing about you. To be honest, I always view the fact that I find sexual images of women to be more arousing than those Of men to be more solid proof that I’m gay than anyone who says they aren’t boy crazy. I am so terrified because of the whole porn/erotica thing that I often just shut down

@wellwellwell Same for me. It's been pretty scary dealing with that. My therapist seems to look at it differently though that anything sexual people can feel something towards it. Our ocd just overly fixates on it. She said by accepting some feelings or thoughts I have in regards to sex it can be helpful and make it where it's not as torturous and I can feel whatever without judgement. Also she said it's hard to feel alot of desire or some feelings towards men with all this happening. I still feel triggered though even with all that said lol

@reg285 So nice to see someone else relates! How old are you if I may ask? It sounds like you're young which is normal but I'm 21 which scares me.

@thebeginning I’m 23! @thebeginning to you relate at all to liking female based (not necessarily lesbian, more just like sexual images of females) erotica more than that of men? I was told this isn’t uncommon but now I am skeptical

@thebeginning Not that young! I'm 27 which kind of scares me more as I feel I should have this figured out by now. My ocd has made dating and relationships really hard. 😑

@wellwellwell I'm just not a sexual person at all. Everything related to sex makes me a little uncomfortable, I might have just a bit of scrupulousity as well, so I don't know I've never searched for provocative pictures of women. The female celebrities always get me though. If there was a scene with them acting sexy or them dancing I'd get nervous

@thebeginning Yes me neither really the ocd has made it really hard to be and it feels scary. I also have a hard time opening up to people, so the idea of being that. vulnerable with someone else scares me.

@reg285 Oh!! Would you and @wellwellwell like to join a group chat for people with hocd? Message hocdawareness if you guys are interested! I shouldn't be posting this so often she could get overwhelmed lol but it's nice to find people who relate

@thebeginning Okay! Yeah I found porn pretty young tbh and it was all my dad’s stuff so I think I associate sex more with provocative images of women, but I don’t really desire women or find myself wanting to be with one. It’s more just like sexualization. It’s definitely colored how I see myself, like I want to be sexualized by a man in bed. In a way, it’s weird to see society’s influence on myself at such a young age, trying to be sexual like the women in those pictures. God life is weird!

@wellwellwell I've heard alot of women who are straight feel more aroused by women or lesbian porn my ocd is skeptical too lol 🤔 but it kind of makes sense because it's a sexual thing you'd feel something sexual

@wellwellwell And thank you @thebeginning I will check it out!

@reg285 Yeah! I posted my own feelings about that above if you’re interested. Just kind of my take on it all

@wellwellwell I think all of that is really normal though especially when you are just figuring out sex

@reg285 I kind of worry my feelings are different and I really feel something towards women or desire it more then just that which scares me

@thebeginning That would be great! Thanks!

@reg285 To be honest, I think a lot of people with ocd feel that way. I mean even now I associate a sexualized image of a woman as more sexy than a naked man. That’s just how it goes. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like being with a man. I think we overthink a lot of shit and ocd twists thinsg

@wellwellwell That's really true! Thank you for chatting with me. I know I have to do my exposures and deal with this, but it's been really nice talking to others who feel the same even though it's hard. Definitely feel less alone.

@reg285 I feel this way too!! (the whole feeling towards women thing! I don’t want it though but ugh ocd makes me feel like I do!)

@thebeginning Yes it super confusing. It feels like I want it but I don't 🙄

@reg285 For real!!

@reg285 Btw do you two have tumblr? @reg285 @wellwellwell I made a group chat for hocd if y’all are interested

@thebeginning oops I meant to tag @wellwellwell too

@hocdgirl Me? Well I haven’t been actively searching for therapy since it’s always been on and off so I’ve been trying to just accept and agree with the thoughts. I was fine for weeks until like two days ago something triggered me again. It’s better now. And no, I don’t have the chat anymore ): but if you have tumblr, you could send me a message and I would gladly talk to you if you want/ need it!

I've had ocd since I was around 7 or 8. Then the HOCD started when I was around 13. That worries me too because I know that's when people are kind of trying to figure out their orientation.

@reg285 so around 7th grade? mine started at 12. how did yours begin?

@missbluesky Yes, gay marriage was just becoming legalized and I remember thinking what makes them gay? I think very vaguely I may have had a couple thoughts or weird arousal type feelings toward women. Then I thought is it that feeling???? Is that what being gay is? So I've always obsessed about that too.

@reg285 i’m really worried about how my hocd started honestly. have you seen my post on that?

@missbluesky No can you tag me in the comments?

@reg285 did you see it?

@reg285 i can post it here if not

@missbluesky I wasn't able to see it yeah you can post it here, I'll read it.

@reg285 i went to the mall with my friend and my mom and all day, i had this weird feeling in my vagina, like just there was a feeling like an ache, and it was literally to every single woman i saw- old, fat, ugly- it didn’t matter. then we were in line at the food court and i remember thinking, “this means you’re a lesbian” and I was like “no, i dont look at girls like that!” but then I was like “oh jesus do I??”. then it went away for like, 2 weeks, but as i spent time alone watching movies over christmas break, i just kept getting these thoughts that i might be gay, like creeping into my head like "you need to think about this" and id be watching movies and feel like a single pulse to completely non sexual stuff of women. and so i did think about it and it was all i was thinking about, but I wasn't having like terrible anxiety, it was more like I just was thinking about it so much and felt removed from myself. but there were also groinal responses right away, like before it was a full blown obsession. like id be looking at a conventionally pretty actress in a movie, and i would feel ****sorry this is NSFW***** a single pulse down there? it was so weird, and nothing I had ever felt before but I didn't like it. I don't know if those were groinals though, or if that was just me getting turned on? I dont know and I've agonized over it for years. anyways, i went to school after break for one day and i was still thinking about it, and so I said "if this is still happening, then I'm going to talk to mom about this".and so I told my mom, she told me it was perfectly normal to be thinking about this because i was going through puberty, and she told me it didn'[t mean i was gay or bi. then she said, even if you turn out to be a lesbian, we will love you no matter what. and I felt so happy that I wasn't a lesbian! I was so relieved. I went to school on cloud 9 and was my old self. Then, the doubts crept back in, and then thats how it started

@missbluesky That sounds like a groinal response associated with ocd and all the questioning too sounds how ocd usually starts. I have felt relief before too like it doesn't matter if this is true or not or I'll feel like it's not true and I'll feel happy and like its put to rest. Then something else happens and I keep getting triggered and it feels true. That's because with the ocd it wants its answer no matter what and just doesn't listen to reason. it will keep creating anxiety unless we don't engage. Easier said the done! When I read what you posted that sounds just like ocd, but mine seems more real to me. But I guess everyone thinks that about themselves!!

@reg285 you really think so?

Yes but it all feels super confusing? Like I'm not sure if I'm really attracted to them or if what I feel is enough compared to what I'm feeling towards women. I know that sounds very ocd 🙄

@reg285 I’m more aroused by erotic images of women than those of men. So I understand. But do you get aroused interacting with a man you’re attracted to/get crushes on men? Do you ever feel things for women you know?

@wellwellwell I feel like its rare I feel attracted to a guy or even have a crush on a guy. I also have rocd which makes it hard. But I have felt some arousal sometimes with guys interacting with them or if I kind of have a crush on them. With women I have worried I've felt like I had a crush on them or I've had some thoughts and feelings that have felt similar so its panicked me.

@reg285 I mean I can’t really speak on your experience or crushes/feelings for women, but I have spoken to many women who have similarly been aroused by sexual materials featuring women. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’re gay. But of course, only you would know your feelings. Do you have HOCD?

@wellwellwell Yes I do, that's my main thing I'm working on in therapy. Also my ocd in general too. All this today just really caught me off guard. I know my ocd is putting me into a tailspin though, and I need to be accepting the uncertainty. It's all just really confusing 😥

@reg285 Im sorry😥 I’ve had this for a while too. I am married and that’s been the worst part for me. Especially having bad anxiety around sex and such, it’s made things horrendous. I hope you find peace in therapy

@wellwellwell Thank you so much and I hope you find peace with it too. It is so hard dealing with all this! Yes it's very difficult about sex and I have alot of anxiety. It always feels like I'm never feeling the right thing or it's not enough what I feel. I guess I've always known all this about myself but therapy had made me have to examine it more and look closer so my ocd is panicking!

@reg285 I mean what has your therapist said about all of this? Do you think you’re straight, despite everything?

@wellwellwell Well my therapist thought exposing to this would be a good idea today and alot of the panic ensued on my own after. I did send her an email addressing some of it. She feels I just need to expose to the thoughts and feelings and just not analyze. She said the same thing you did basically that alot of people have all types of thoughts and feelings and it doesnt mean you'd actually want to do certain things in real life. I hope I'm straight, but alot of times I feel so fused to the ocd I wonder if that's true or not 🤦‍♀️

@reg285 You’ll be okay❤️ if you want to date a man no one can tell you you can’t

@Anonymous I strugle with the same, I'm my case I'm sure I'm not aroused by men, but my fear is that I would develop some sort of liking or crush for a guy, and now remenbering the past I think I had feelings like that before