I hope everyone is doing well! I’ve been doing better and my anxiety levels have gone down even though I still have the intrusive thoughts which I am happy about because it makes it easier for me to respond in a healthier way. I was doing an exposure and was playing the “choices/episodes” game and I do the lgbt episodes because I have hocd. I always get a little anxious while playing and constant thoughts about “what if I want this” “im aroused when it gets sexual, what if that means I want to be sexual with a woman and I’m not attracted to my boyfriend/don’t want to be sexual with him” these are the ones I’m struggling with and really just trying to sit with the anxiety. It doesn’t help that ocd has affected my sex drive/libido so it’s constantly attacking that as “evidence.” I’ve held off trying to post about it for sneaky reassurance and compulsive reasons. I just would love some advice to keep sitting with it and letting the thoughts be there without freaking out?

Definitely, I feel like I’ve been responding well and cut a lot of compulsions already but I know I have some sneakier and more subtle ones going on that I haven’t recognized yet. Sometimes I feel like they become less obvious when we get under the primary ones.

@Corie Oh yeah! I’m still having a really hard time not doing compulsions because anytime I try to sit with the thoughts or “accept” I get horrible fear and sometimes I get really panicked and I start just begging God to let me be straight. This is so hard

@Madeline I used to pray before I went to bed every night that it wouldn’t come into my dreams also would read from the Bible and talk to god like “why me?” “I would do anything not to be gay and be back to how I was before”, little did I know then it was a compulsion and rarely gave me relief. Now that I don’t do that, I feel much better about it but I still get scared of the thoughts. Accepting them as is has been hard especially since I have strong beliefs that get me stuck again that make me fear this as the worst thing ever if it were “true.” Not that I think people who are gay are terrible or bad at all, just my beliefs i have for me make it seem so terrible for myself.

@Corie Yeah I realize now that it’s a compulsion as well since I do it ever night. I’m just still having such a hard time with just sitting with the thoughts because then I just end up panicking and having to calm myself down by like rocking back and forth

@Madeline Are you engaging and arguing back with them? Ruminations and essentially “speaking to myself” was what always what made it hard for me to sit with them because I didn’t realize I was talking back to myself.

@Corie Yes I do. I notice I just say over and over “I don’t want to be gay/bi... please....” and I just say that over and over

@Madeline Definitely try to reduce that, it’s hard but it’s worth it.

@Corie I know. It’s just sitting with that fear is so scary and I just don’t want it to be true so bad

@Madeline I know what you mean, although it isn’t what you or really any of us want to hear, but we must learn to accept that it may be true or come true. It’s not a good feeling to hear that and it’s sucks but we just have to accept the possibility and realize it’s not as bad or as scary as our mind makes it out to be. Many people are gay and are happy with that, which is a great thing! No matter how bad we don’t want something, it won’t get us to recover or feel better about the thoughts/feelings/urges/etc.

@Corie Yes I know that’s what makes this so hard. I know the only way the thoughts will stop is if I stop “feeding the monster” so to speak. It’s just such a powerful monster. And I don’t want to be gay and happy. I want to b straight and happy

Yes I really hope we can