I keep getting the urge to look at a man’s crotch, and then I’ll actually do it. Every time I do it, it feels like I’m coming closer to being bi, and it feels as though I actually like it. When I was younger, I went through hocd (before it went away and came back), and I used to look at women’s bodies the same way, although I did actually like it, and I later came out as gay. I feel like this might turn out the same way, but I don’t want it to. Every where I turn I see bisexual related content, and my mind always goes “you won’t be alone even if you are bi, there’ll be plenty of other people to share that title with you. It’ll be ok.” BUT I DONT WANT IT TO BE OK! I’m ok being a lesbian, but honestly I don’t know if that’s what I am anymore. I hate this so much...

for the previous one i did, but for the current one i haven’t

i realized a few years later when I actually fell in love with a woman, but throughout the entire time i went through hocd i had crushes on a lot of women, i just didn’t want to acknowledge it. it was pretty much a mix of hocd and denial, mostly denial, but i still had the same obsessions and compulsions of ocd. i just hope this time isn’t the same as the last, bc i don’t want to be bi.

@PVNDA So you were afraid you were gay and it turned out to be true?

@wellwellwell I apologize I am just curious because I’m more turned on by the female body and have been before HOCD but never considered myself gay so your background just kind of made me wonder if I’m in denial too

@wellwellwell technically yes, BUT there were legitimate signs that I had been avoiding at the time including the fact that i did have several crushes on women that i truly enjoyed. I’d smile and fantasize about them almost every day, hoping that one day we’d kiss or something. so i can HONESTLY say that it was denial at that time, but i’m praying that isn’t the case this time for me or anyone else. and ofc, you can talk to me anytime.

@PVNDA Okay so aside rom being turned on by sexual images of women more than men, what you described I experience with men and have experienced before this

@wellwellwell But the sexual images thing and fact that I haven’t always liked kissing/sex with men makes me very very sad and afraid. Sorry, I just truly am lost and afraid. I know you understand given what you’re going through again, but yeah this all sucks

@PVNDA how did it start??????

@wellwellwell no you’re fine i completely understand, i feel the same way seeing as i haven’t always liked women and it kinda terrifies me too at times. i promise it does get better though, and i know this is probably the last thing you want to hear lol, but i usually find it best to just be patient. my ocd has gotten A LOT worse in the past few months, and sometimes i feel so trapped like this is gonna be my life forever, but i often tell myself that if i wait it out, sooner or later i’ll make it to the end of the road. We’ve come this far, we might as well keep fighting.

@PVNDA Sexuality is just weird and I love my husband and love being around men, so it’s very scary to think I might not be with one. All I want is freedom to enjoy sex without worrying gay the entire time. The bad sex really makes me think I’m gay. I just feel like being turned on by sexy images of women must mean I’m a lesbian (not that it’s bad!!) and it really does feel like you’re trapped!! It’s like being in a bubble you can’t pop.

@wellwellwell yeah same, i love women and to think that i might end up with a man terrifies me. sometimes i find myself getting a tiny bit turned on by men and then i feel like i want to cry. but i completely understand where you’re coming from.

@PVNDA I’m afraid because Immuch more turned on by sexual images of women😞 but I don’t think about like touching the woman or anything. Usually I’ll think about being in that situation or the sexiness of like a man using a woman sexually. Sorry I’m just so afraid this proofs I’m gay

@wellwellwell it’s ok, i’ve finally understood the fact that it’s the ocd that’s putting these images into our minds and causing these feelings. i promise it doesn’t prove anything, it just really sucks we have to deal with this.

@PVNDA Well the problem is I’ve always found sexual images of women to be more arousing, even before ocd. But it was never about wanting to touch a woman. I just started watching porn young and it was my dad’s stuff with women and I really just associate that more with sex. The fact that I’ve always felt that way makes me think it does mean I must be in denial

@PVNDA Sorry to assault you with all the questions PVNDA 😅. This ordeal with soocd is driving us all crazy.

@wellwellwell oh no trust me, i’ve been there too. watching porn from a young age, i found men to be more attractive, but even still i can’t see myself doing anything with one.

@nGfloat no problem lol! i totally get it.

@PVNDA Oh sick. Okay, yeah I think we’ll probably be okay then😂 yeah, in real life I couldn’t be less interested in women. I’m not turned on by them, I don’t feel anything, and I don’t think about doing stuff with them. I like being the woman in my relationship with a masculine guy. You sound like you are the exact opposite of me lol. Nice to meet you, fellow SOOCD buddy.

@wellwellwell Yeah, I’m struggling with the porn at the moment. I am so confused. I will engage in checking compulsions and it will be okay for a second, but I was checking and my mind fucking said a dude was sexy and that I was definitely gay. It wasn’t even like a little voice in my head. It was just me, but I checked again and I didn’t like it and I don’t know what happened. This shit is so freaky. I just want to be with my beautiful girlfriend and to escape all of this.

I was 12, and sorry about that I didn’t think it would turn out like this

@PVNDA I was 12 when mine started. Holy fucking shit

how long were you in denial for? how long did you suffer with the hocd for?

@PVNDA how did it start, if you don’t mind me asking??

@missbluesky tbh i’m not sure how it started, but it lasted up until my junior year of high school (4 years), which is when i started to acknowledge it and then i came out as bi, but it didn’t feel right, so i came out as a lesbian and I felt great about it. but that same year my thoughts then shifted from “you’re a lesbian” to “you’re bi”, and that’s where it’s been ever since. IM SO SORRY IF THIS IS TRIGGERING! I’m just praying this doesn’t turn out the same way.

@PVNDA were you on medication/diagnosed/in therapy? Did it begin over christmas break?

since the first time was so long ago, i can’t remember anything about how it started, but my relapse started at the beginning of quarantine. and no sorry i don’t have reddit.

@PVNDA did you question it at all before the HOCD started?

@missbluesky not at all

@PVNDA did you have crushes on boys as a kid/teenager?

@PVNDA i’m sorry i’m asking so many questions, mine started at 12 too so i’m sort of freaking the fuck out

@missbluesky i did, but after my 10th grade year i no longer had feelings for guys

@PVNDA when were you diagnosed with ocd? and how did you find out about hocd? did you know about it the first time around?

so you genuinely had OCD about being a lesbian and then actually turned out to be a lesbian?

@missbluesky If I can assuage your concerns a little, you can obsess over your sexual orientation for different reasons. I suspect that PVNDA was aware of her attraction to women and just began to obsess over it. From what I have seen from your posts, you started obsessing about whether or not you might be gay, and it has spiraled from there. Likewise PVNDA is now obsessing over a fear that she might not actually be the orientation she loves and feels comfortable with.

@nGfloat I think that maybe I started obsessing over an attraction to women, nGfloat. I am almost certain I don’t have OCD and I just have internalized homophobia.

@nGfloat I say this because I was not met with horrible panic at the beginning of my obsession. That set in after about a week.

@nGfloat are you there?

@missbluesky I’m here I’m here, give me a sec to read through.

@missbluesky While I am in a similar place and feel like I am attracted to dudes, I doubt it. OCD + stable orientation = kaploot. It’s the perfect aspect of identity for OCD to convolute. Don’t label anything. Just try to stop ruminating. I know it’s hard. I keep on getting drawn in because it feels like I want the thoughts, but it’s all OCD.