I've been working on a really hard exposure recently. I feel bad because I'm doing it, but not following my therapists advice the way I should. It just feels like I've had more clarity and my thoughts really feel like the hocd is true. I'm not feeling as much anxiety and I feel like I don't feel alot of feelings towards men because it's just not what I want and I'm not attracted to them and just thought I was. I'm not sure if I'm just really far down the rabbit hole. I'm not following my therapists advice and I feel bad, but I also feel this way. Just not sure what to do......

I'm sorry this was triggering to read! I think this is everyone's fear with OCD treatment I know it's been mine for sure. But, just because you think something doesn't mean it's true. Also we are two different people and comparing is a compulsion. I'm kind of off the deep end with an exposure I've had to do, so we are in 2 different places right now!

@Anon No it's not your fault! It's just one of my fears that I do exposure and turn out to be bi/ gay even though I've never had a crush on a girl but hocd makes me feel like it's just because I wasn't allowing myself to. Mine started at a young age, too, and I'm about your age now too and even before that I wasn't boy crazy and that scares me ugh.

@thebeginning Yes I definitely relate to all of that. OCD is really tricky. Even now I know I'm not supposed to be engaging in all this, but it just feels really true and confusing so it's hard.

@Anon Yeah the confusion is the hardest part. 😫

@thebeginning Yes it is

This is what is was concerned about last night 🤦‍♀️I feel like I've been compulsing alot too. I feel bad because I'm not following what my therapist has to say exactly, so I feel like she's going to be this is all the OCD too lol

This happend when I was around a young age, I never really explored being attracted to guys. I thought I was, but in a sense looking back maybe I never was and just thought it was the OCD. I guess I just feel like it's a big breakthrough but I've also felt this alot of times before. For the most part I just haven't really felt very attracted to guys or felt anything for them. I just feel like I've been lying to myself. For years I never believed it was just the ocd. Now I feel like it's all true now.

@Anon hey, sexuality is really confusing. do you find yourself attracted to women?

how old were you when this started Ellie?

@froggo It feels like I am but it also causes me alot of distress. It's all really confusing

@missbluesky 13

@Anon I was 12. It really scares me that it was so young. how old are you now?

@missbluesky I'm in my 20s now it's been for awhile. I have been scared of that too. But everyone is different. Try not to use my comment as proof of anything for you. We are all different.

@Anon was it on and off for you? or was it always constant

@Anon i feel like it’s kind of hard not to use it as proof lol given that not that many people begin obsessing at 12/13, and also that’s the age most people realize they’re gay.

@missbluesky I've heard of alot of people obsessing at all different ages, so it's not just us. OCD makes it where there can't be an alternative to what is happening. This is the main topic my ocd comes back to but I have ocd about everything. It's been on and off over the years getting worse at different times.

@Anon so do you really think the obsession is true and you’re gay?

@missbluesky My first post kind of said what I was feeling and the confusion I'm dealing with. I think you may be trying to find reassurance in my answer.

@Anon i am, because it seems everyone i’ve talked to that had this start as young as mine did turned out actually being gay. i was seeing if you still felt the same as you did when you posted, because sometimes feelings are heightened

@missbluesky Got it. My therapist said focusing on the age isn't really important. Its definitely a huge trigger for me too. But people get ocd of this type and all types at various ages. I just think it's something else to use against us as proof but I get why its distressing. Now I still just feel confused and like I'm flip flopping back and forth. Things aren't as intense as last night, but I still feel I have proof in my mind that it could be true and it could not be. I'm trying just to get back and track and follow what my therapist says. But even that is hard, it feels like if I let go it's true and it's easier to just keep compulsing. It's all frustrating

@Anon are you wanting to be with women?

@Anon i understand. are you doing ERP currently?

@missbluesky Yes working on erp right now. I guess I have feelings that make me feel like I want to be with women, but at the same time the idea of acting on it disgusts me and fills me with dread like I just can't accept it is true and it's not what I want. It feels like it's true but I don't know I have a hard time answering that

@Anon i understand. I feel the same, the idea of being gay/bi makes me sick. I really worry that I have internalized homophobia or something

@missbluesky Yes I do too but I think everyone worries about that with hocd

@Anon I totally understand the feeling that it’s just easier to compulse. i feel like i’m still doing compulsions even if this theme isn’t taking over my life, which also scares me. I find it really, REALLY hard to not worry about the age thing; that’s just so young, and a terrible coincidence. I remember being totally boy crazy my whole life up until i started obsessing, but I did question my sexuality 2 times.

@missbluesky Yeah it's hard not to compulse. Definitely frustrating I went back to it, but need to go forward. I've never really been boy crazy before. I think everyone's story is a little different and not exactly the same. There is a lady on youtube named Chrissie Hodges who talks about HOCD and her's started around the same age and she isn't gay. She has a lot of helpful videos. I think the age thing is a false belief ocd has created, maybe doing exposures to that will be helpful for you

@Anon I agree!! It loves to attach itself to different things. When I first realized this was probably ocd, it tried to trap me with the age thing, too. (I was 14 when I developed it) but the "proof" it's hold on to for some reason is the fact that it's easier to like female celebrities or characters and I obsessed over them and I was never boy crazy so yeah ocd's a bastard that will try anything to make you believe your fear

@thebeginning it’s so crazy, because I feel like at 14, that’s when it starts becoming “real ocd.” I also used to hate so many female celebrities because I was insecure and now my OCD says that’s because they made me feel gay and that’s why I hated them. like?? it will really attach to anything.

@missbluesky look, i don’t know whether this is the most constructive thing - but if you were truly bisexual, it’s like you would’ve been showing signs as a growing child within regards to what tv characters you were attracted to etc. but if your memory feels hazey and you’re unsure, that’s also normal! you don’t need to pin point something. if you were attracted to male characters, then the likelihood is your straight, or a part of you is straight!

@froggo i was only attracted to male characters, never female. I always had this terrible envy of pretty girls, I just hated them. I remember telling my mom I “hated blonde girls” when I was like 5 because I was jealous. I hate seeing those tik toks where it’s like “did you have a really dramatic frenemyship growing up? yeah, you were in love with her.” it triggers me so much.