So I have a general problem that I don't think is centered around OCD by itself, but a more human problem. So aside from my OCD worries I'm constantly worried, unconfident, and unsure about my sex life. I'm 19 and I've never had a girlfriend before. As much as I desired wanting a girlfriend and always dreaming of settling down with one, I never felt ready. I'm still not ready. There are some friends that are girls and I really enjoy their company. When I was a kid I used to have a fear of girls and that went away through getting older. When I was younger I had my innocence. I didn't know about sexual things. And I'm glad it stayed that way for as long as it could. I had fun when I was younger, and I got to explore way more with confidence. I got to be with more people, and I got to achieve dreams of mine. Ever since I discovered porn unintentionally, it's skewed a lot of perspectives for me when it comes to anything sexual. Because of pornography, I've tried to engage in sexual exploration with people near my age. Mostly online. Looking back, I didn't enjoy what became of that and I still don't now. I didn't enjoy that I had gotten hooked on pornography. I didn't enjoy that looked at the things. To keep it short, I'm not comfortable with sexual activity resolving around others. I'm not happy that I got curious about sexual things either. I'm aware that people have had to make mistakes in order to understand things in life but it's hard to say the same for myself. I want to keep sexual things out of my life, but that seems so impossible now. So many things are sexualized, and I have triggers that are all over the place. Usually I want to avoid it all, but I can't. I end up relapsing, and googling compulsively. Currently trying my best to escape pornography and anything remotely sexual that can appear online, but I know that's not 100% possible. I'm trying not to care about it either, but I can't help it. I just didn't know who to turn to for sexual advice at this time. I always feel guilty when I use erotic videos and pictures or things in attracted to in women because these things can link to terrible things in the industry or society in general. I always feel bad about these things even though I shouldn't. I don't know if I should tell someone about this or journal it to myself. Maybe I'm taking a risk by talking about it on here. Maybe I'm hoping that someone can relate in terms of dealing with these sexual insecurities, not that I want them to be dealing with them. I don't know. I just always thought that my life was perfectly okay without anything sexual. The mistakes that I constantly worry about always have to do with being sexually curious. And I just wish that I never was sometimes. I always think about sexual things. I don't know if they're intrusive or not. I don't know if it's okay for me to be thinking about sexual things this much at this age. I don't know if it's okay if I still don't know how things work sexually. I don't know if it's okay or not that I've made sexual mistakes whether it'd be years ago or even a couple months ago. I'm uncertain about all of these things, and I feel like not dealing with sexual things and avoiding them as much as possible may help.

Perfectionism OCD

JesusIsLord

Date posted: 4y

I would recommend perhaps getting immersed in something that you've never done before. One suggestion could be ancestry. You are given a world of exploration at your fingertips with ancestry. You just make yourself an ancestry account, and begin building your family tree. The reason I make this suggestion is that it may be the case that your quest for mental stimulation is throwing you off track into an unhealthy state, wherein you're not gaining a result. I'm old enough to be your mom, and I can promise you that there's nothing "wrong" with you. You're a very typical teenager with a high propensity for curiosity. This can be satisfied in ways where you are able to use your kind to search for things and put pieces of a puzzle together. Learn your family's history; your mothers and your fathers. Follow the trails of where your ancestors walked... try linking them together with the "hints" that the website gives you. You'll find that hours go by before you know it. What you're going to find is that it certainly fulfills the desire to keep yourself learning, while performing a very exciting venture. And you don't even need to get up to do it. You may be surprised at what you learn. One thing to keep in mind is that sometimes we fixate on things in order to avoid facing something different. See if you can write a list of 10 things in your life that you'd avoid at any cost. Keep aware of the things that drive you to certain destinations. I don't know if you're aware or not, but the devil works through the very types of things you're being disturbed by. It takes your focus off of God, when you're so fixated with the flesh. Try praying on this matter by taking some time with Christ, and pouring out your heart. Think clearly about what you want your heart to say. If you aren't sure if He exists, speak to Him as if He does, and ask Him to provide you with wisdom and self control, and a sense of closeness to Him. You need peace. Yet, you also need to just gently keep in mind that you do owe yourself some level of forgiveness. And in final, honor the Lord your God. Give Him your time. He's written you a letter that you can read at any time. Pick up the Bible and turn to the first book of the New Testament-- John, and read it slowly and carefully. See what He has to say to you. Hope this helps somewhat. You're going to be just fine. You'll see that just a simple shift in your plans for today can make all the difference in helping find brand new things to become absorbed in. Break your routine and give these ideas a try.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 4y

Comment deleted by user

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

Thank you for being here. Seriously. It's so nice to have people in the same age group as me that can understand what I'm going through and trying to express. When in my heaviest puberty stages, I used porn to basically give myself a variety of feelings. It tried to teach me how relationships worked, how sex worked, and the things I liked in the opposite gender. But even without porn, aside from sex, I knew what I was attracted to from women. I liked them tall, kind, sweet, and really caring. It's more about how their personality can grow on me way more than how they look. When that happens usually I start to see how they look differently and based on how good their personality is, it makes them even more attractive. Sometimes I just hate the porn that I came across in the past, and I'm always afraid that it could mean something about people that watch a lot of the porn they do. In my opinion, it usually shouldn't mean anything about people because what they watch isn't the same things they would act upon. Not at all. Also because pornography is a fantasy. I feel like me enjoying it a little too much makes me weird or creepy for it and I really don't want to be. I know I'm still young and I still have things to learn but it's all so confusing with OCD. It just kind of hurts sometimes because I don't know what a relationship is truly like, and I never got to experience it or get any advice from it. It's not something anyone would talk about with me so I tried to just forget about it altogether. The same way I'm trying my best to accept the things I've seen, and move on from them. About the things that I didn't want to see: My OCD tends to be hooked on that the most, trying it's best to figure out what it could mean. When I did see those things I didn't want to see, the one thing I remember is my heart dropping, and trying my best to get out of those situations immediately. But I'm always down about it because I saw it to begin with. It's happened several times online, and I know we talked about how it's happened for a lot of other people too, including my family members. I'm just so afraid of making mistakes towards sexual activity. Not because I already have but I really don't want to hurt anyone in the process. Exercising is something I could try though. I've seen it recommended a lot, even if it's just mindfulness, which I love to practice.

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