Just here to share some hope. I started intensive ERP on November 30th, immediately after discovering my likely diagnosis of ROCD, and after just 2.5 weeks of 1 to 2 hours a day (every day) and extremely strict internal protocols for responding to obsessions, my overall anxiety has plummeted. It used to be that I couldn't look at a photo of my person without my whole body exploding with anxiety and terror. Now, she can text me or pop up randomly on my feed and I feel only a little twitch, I'm no longer jumping when my phone buzzes, and for the first time in maybe 6 or 7 months today, I finished ERP and felt excited to see her - out of the blue. I've felt almost exclusively anxiety at the thought, or at least partially. But today right after crying about an upsetting imaginal exposure, all I thought was, I can't wait to see her again. And the thing is, who knows if it'll last. Who knows if it's fleeting. That's the whole point. All I know is that I felt it, and it came from a completely internal place, and I didn't ask for it or look for it. This stuff really works. I'm just here to encourage everyone to continue doing the thing EVERY DAY, even when you're feeling good/okay, or when you're feeling burned out. Do it. I'm rooting for you.

Here's the thing: what I'm learning is that the only way for me to feel anything towards her that's not anxiety is to completely embrace the possibility that anxiety is going to be our relationship forever, it's never going away, and what we were is over. It's agony. It's literally like searing agony. But it's working. The more I allow room for every negative thought I've ever had and say "yeah, that's possible," the less my fear blocks me from seeing her as she is.

I had a breakthrough during a trip two days ago where I realized that I've made a lot of room for all of my emotions to exist and be valid, EXCEPT fear. And because of this, I've been fighting it tooth and nail and attempting to vanquish it instead of pulling up a chair for it and listening to what it says without invalidating it. As soon as I felt that, I started pulling up chairs for grief and pain and remorse, and suddenly I was feeling love again, and joy, while ALSO welcoming the fear that those things wouldn't last.

@Ketaqueen Fear of your own fear, and what it implies and what it might do, is what drives this shit. The only way out is through. You will feel nothing unless you feel fear. A lot of it.

@Ketaqueen I completely relate to this inside and out. I asked myself recently why I had this insecurity about my partners appearance, and it sent me on a three week long spiral of reliving childhood trauma, finding out where my own low self worth comes from. I had the painful realization that I’ve been running from sadness my whole life. Every decision I’ve ever made has been to hide, treat, ignore, or eradicate anxiety/fear. I see it clearly now. This is the first time I’ve been on ground zero crying every day, it’s like grieving almost. I am crying hard for the first time ever about my past. I have no idea what it has to do with my ocd, it’s all happening at the same time. I hope this is what you mean by facing my fears. I just want to heal. I no longer want any hang ups. I don’t want to live in the shadows. I want to be free.

@Anonymous1 This is definitely what you'll have to do, then. It's going to suck. Don't stop.

@Ketaqueen Thank you so much. You’re the best. I wish you luck too, you are a warrior and you can and will persevere ❤️