At this point I don't know why I keep going. I don't see a reason to either. My ocd has returned during covid after six years of freedom. It's been six months and I don't have the will to keep going anymore. I have always dreamed of having a wife. Literally, I have had many many dreams of having a woman loving me and I've always wanted that from a young age. The thought always made me happy. My ocd is saying I want to be with a man even though I've never had the desire in my life. I personally find it disgusting but the ocd keeps saying I'm in denial, every time I've loved a woman has been fake. The worst part is the groinal response, it's either real or it's ocd's biggest "Fuck you". I don't get erections but it almost feels like I'm about to and it scares me. I'm always hyperaware of my penis area as well. I've always viewed men as comrades and nothing more. During covid my ocd has attacked many things with different themes. My country, the people I look up to, my faith, family, children. Is that normal? Speaking of faith mine is destroyed, I've prayed hundreds of times for help yet nothing has come my way. A simple answer could be that he doesn't exist at all. Why should I keep going for ocd to return later in life? I don't want to recover to go through it bad a third time. So honestly I'm considering suicide. From what I know ocd is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain so it seems I'm made to suffer. I don't see a way out. My schedule is garbage with covid. This isn't a life worth living if everything I've wanted is gone. Everyone has a mental breaking point. I don't know why I've typed this. Some way to vent? If this is the hill I die on so be it. I've always liked women only. A wife is all I've wanted.

You’re not the only one bro, I’m in your shoes

sending my love and prayers to you. hella people here fighting along side you, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. Please don’t give up, you never know what is right around the corner with a little perseverance and help from others. We will all come out of this disease stronger because we’ve lived it and beat it, and you won’t want to miss out on that life that is ahead

Do you have a therapist? Please reach out to either a therapist or a suicide hotline. I know what you are feeling like. I have been feeling the same way today. It truly is miserable and the ocd is very hard to deal with. I'm doing erp and struggling. But, as torturous as this is I can still recognize my ocd is better than when I first started therapy. This year has been very anxiety provoking and so triggering for many people. Anxiety has gotten much worse for everyone and depression, it is normal this has never happened to the world before. Also with your schedule changing I'm sure you are at home more and its giving you more time to ruminate which is bringing the ocd up about so many topics. What are the things you are missing to do outside? Can you call or video chat friends if you aren't able to be around them? Can you go to a coffee shop to just get out or do some window shopping? Can you exercise outside? Maybe finding ways to change your schedule that can make you happier. It won't be the same, but it can help. Even starting some hobbies to fill the time so the OCD doesn't take over and you have things to look forward too. Remember OCD cannot change your orientation, it terrorizes us but you don't have to do anything with anyone you don't want to. You can still marry a woman and live the life you want. You do not have to listen to the OCD.