recently broke up with a boyfriend who months ago i thought i could see myself marrying. while we did have a honeymoon phase where i was very happy, i'd had doubts about us the whole time. near the end it got so bad i never texted him first, didn't talk to him when we hung out in groups, and constantly made up excuses to not see him. eventually he saw through everything, and i ended up finding out i have ocd a couple weeks before we ended it for good. we had many long talks figuring out why i felt the way i did, and i recognized that most of my doubts were probably caused by my rocd. but i couldn't help myself from feeling like my doubts were my own conscious feelings, and were just right for me despite knowing it was technically a symptom of my disorder. i haven't even cried over him because i feel so relieved now, it makes me feel like a bad person. i've ended 3 other relationships due to these mysterious doubts before knowing i had ocd, and i can always feel it starting: i start getting anxious around them, dreading hanging out, getting annoyed by little things they do, thinking i'd be exponentially happier single, feeling the urge to end things and run away, etc. i hate hurting people i once liked or loved but i can't stop myself. has anyone with rocd successfully stopped these harmful thoughts and stayed in a long-term relationship, and ended up happy? i can't afford therapy as a 19-year-old, and i'm worried i may not ever find the "one right person" my brain makes me believe in. any tips for breaking the cycle of break ups and being hopeful for the future?

that makes sense, i wonder if my indescisiveness and fears of regret/making the wrong choice play into the doubts about who i should be with. living in such a random universe with tons of coincidences can be exhausting, knowing how many little choices affect our future in big ways. i'll definitely try out your advice of taking steps slow and identifying symptoms as they come, as i've realized i always end up stumbling into relationships and realizing all too late that i have to either commit to a label or hurt someone - being more conscious of this could definitely help the anxieties that come with moving forward too fast and without intention.

@tmoney Yes I feel you. It’s very hard and I struggle with this immensely. I’ve been using this rule of thumb in my relationship: Has my partner done something or things that make me confident, in this moment, I want to end the relationship? If the answer is no then I sit with the doubt and move on. A lot of my ROCD focuses on “red flags” or picking up on things that *might* indicate particular unwanted behavior in the future. This has only ever robbed me of the present. So instead, it’s better to deal w the info we have right now, make the best choice we can, and move forward. I suppose you could apply this to initiating a relationship as well. You may have doubts in the beginning about committing or spending time and that could cause a spiraling of doubts. Instead, we can use the info we have and make a decision. Is there anything that makes you confident you don’t want to get to know this person? If the answer is no, then it might be worth a shot until you aquire more info. Even tho ocd tells us we can’t be trusted with information, we actually can be!