So I'm gonna put a TW here because I know therapy is a process, a long one and there may be someone who's not ready to hear this. Truth is, neither am. I have ocd, like most of you, I have been diagnosed, I've been seeing a therapist and I'm on meds. My most horrible, most repetitive theme is soocd(hocd) and a few days before Christmas I relapsed for the third time in the span of two years. What a great Christmas gift you may say! The thing is I'm tired, I've already been through this and I know how draining this is. I'm depressed, I have suicidal thoughts, I can't eat or get up from the bed. So what now? Therapy has done a lot for me, but I'm still human and I'm still ill, and most importantly I'm a teenager, you can't expect me to things this perfectly right. So while I was stuck in my repetitive compulsive cicle, something crossed my mind:shame. The concept of shame has been a great source of anxiety for me because I think "what if I am gay and I'm not accepting myself because I'm ashemed". So I've tried, just like my therapist told me, to tell myself after every intrusive thoughts that I don't care, that if I find a woman attractive who cares. But then I think "omg am I accepting this" and I get overwhelmed by anxiety. If I was gay, wouldn't I feel good about accepting myself? Then why do I feel like this? The fact is that shame is part of our condition because a person who suffers from pocd feels shame in their thoughts because being a pedophile is shameful. You may feel shameful while having hocd thoughts because those thoughts are a source of shame to you, not because you're gay, but because they don't fit the idea that you have of yourself. Yes I'm sure gay people feel a lot of shame however I don't have enough knowledge to tell how that feels like. My therapist has always told me to relay on experience. My experience tells me I've never been attracted by a woman. Sure I think they're beautiful, just like the sky, flowers and many other things. But I never had other feelings. And if I was I should've had at least a crush on a female. I had thousands female friends but I never had feelings for them. So why does my mind does this? Why do I feel so much pressure? The thing with me tho is that the idea of a same sex relationship has always caused me anxiety or made me uncomfortable. Is it because I secretly am gay and I just have a lot of shame? I don't think so but my mind swears is true. But I've fought enough battles to know when it's time to rest. So I wanna try to be more accepting and overcome shame of any kind. I will fail many times, that's for sure, this condition and this theme have made my life hell for so long, how can I accept them so easily. But as I said before I'm tired, I this point I just want the confusion, the doubting and the horrible dread to stop. And while I wish I could just go back, enjoy my thoughts about me and a future boyfriend, right now I'm fighting this battle and if the way of recovery is this, then so be it.