I keep coming up with reasons why I don’t love my partner and testing myself to see if it’s really me! I am so sick I wanna throw up! I don’t wanna break up with him! 😭😭 I can’t take it anymore! I remember a long time ago when I first had ROCD I told him I didn’t love him but I feel like if I say that now it will be the truth!! 😭😭

But it’s been non stop for 5 months now 😭 is it possible to trick myself into believing I don’t love my partner... I still cuddle kiss and hug him but I feel so off 😭

@Mandy7710 It's okay! I've had it for over a year with this particular subtype. I still love my fiancé haha. Even though OCD makes it difficult sometimes, it is just a part of me and a part of our relationship that we work through. And some days I don't even notice it anymore. You're not tricking yourself, but your OCD is definitely tricking you! Tell me a few positive things about your day today. Let's get you to be more mindful of your environment and let's help you orient yourself in this moment.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. It’s been very hard for me to be happy... I’ve been so depressed I forgot what it’s like to be happy anymore... the only positive thing I can think of is one of my coworkers crocheting me a headband. Other than that I had anxiety non stop that caused my blood pressure to go up and I kept testing myself a lot... I post on here a lot... to vent bc I am scared... 😞 I cry everyday I try to look up solutions and when I get one happy moment I start overthinking saying oh god I feel happy! That means it is me right!? Or I start ruminating times I had doubts... my partner is amazing but he’s been having so much patience with me... 😞 I even wanna cry right now... I wanna get help badly but the virus isn’t helping... I wanna talk to someone face to face and show them what I’ve been going through... my depression got so bad one point I almost wanted to end my life...

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I went through this 8 years ago... but never got it treated... it seems so different from last time...

@Mandy7710 Well, let's take a look at it from outside of your brain. I assume you spend most of your day in your head, just like the rest of us do. I know it's scary and I know you feel like a burden right now. This is not the reality though. Do you practice meditation? Patience is a good thing, for both of you. Be kind to yourself, first and foremost. You are going through a very tough subtype because it is filled with such ambiguity and insecurity. Allow yourself time to wind down, you deserve it, no matter what your OCD says. The guilt is an extra aspect of having OCD. OCD can range from depression to anxiety to apathy and everything in between. It is an extremely difficult thing to tame, but it is possible and I'm proof of that. A year ago, I was afraid to even touch my fiance. I was scared to tell him I love him. I would feel like the kisses were forced or that the intimacy wasn't real. I would feel so disgusted at myself for doubting the one man who has done nothing but show me kindness and love. I was afraid that I'd have to let him go. I was afraid I was lying to myself. I felt like a fraud and like I was disconnected from the relationship. I questioned my love for him, my care for him, my motives for being with him, etc. We ask ourselves things like: "Am I capable of loving someone?" "Is this real love or am I just forcing myself to be here?" "Am I actually attracted to him? I think I am but I don't like his haircut/clothes/style/or that one tiny thing he said, so that MUST MEAN I don't truly love him" This goes on and on and on forever. It is a breakable cycle though. You need to look at yourself introspectively and you must allow the thoughts to come and go as they please. Right now, your amygdala is misfiring rapidly. It is making a ton of connections that are false. It is telling you that you are in danger. In psychology, we call these conditioned responses. This means that we've associated these thoughts to a learned behavior. This could mean posting in this app multiple times a day, researching articles about the subtype, asking people for reassurance or checking ourselves to see if we "really feel that way." The process that we must undergo is called extinction. This means that we unlearn this behavior to break the conditioned responses. Your job right now is to break these responses. It takes a LONG TIME, so give yourself lots of grace and self love. Do the ERP, and talk things out with your partner. He loves you, so always communicate with him. I hope that this helps :). It is sometimes nice to understand the reason why we have this disorder. And the truth is that you are not a freak, you are not a bad person. You just have an over productive amygdala!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. My friend told me if I didn’t love my partner I wouldn’t be going through this... I wouldn’t cry or almost wanna end my life over a man I didn’t love... so many things changed this year for me... the biggest trigger that did this for me was my partner telling me something that’s been on his mind for years.. I thought he was gonna leave me... I went through so many stages before it got this bad... I thought I had to confess everything to him bc my mind wouldn’t stop it just kept going. It made me have a mental break down so many times... I just couldn’t take it anymore... I told him things I never wanted to tell him but after I did he told me I don’t need to tell him everything. It made me feel better. Then the whole not being sexually attracted to my partner kicked in where I felt I forced myself when we had sex. Sex is amazing with him. But yeah I feel like I am a lier, I constantly question myself... pretty much everything you said... I feel like if I allow myself to be happy I will find out it is truly me... 😞 a long time ago I told my counselor what was wrong with me... he told me to break up with my partner and find someone else... 😞 I broke down crying since then I had a hard time trusting therapists. I ruminate about when I got angry at my partner that I doubted if I wanted to be with him. But after that conversation he had with me I’ve never was the same again... That day I ran out of my house crying and screaming saying he’s gonna leave me! He never loved me at all! I felt like I shouldn’t touch him anymore bc I thought that was what he wanted... even before that conversation I had ROCD non stop always doubting my relationship...

@Mandy7710 :) you're not alone. I understand that many therapists are not fully aware of how OCD works. Mostly, they think of the Hollywoodized version (aka, excessive hand washing or hoarding). But the majority of us have Pure O (pure obsession) OCD. In fact, I guarantee if everyone on the app looked at what you posted, we would all relate very deeply. Are you willing to break through these thought patterns? I challenge you to face these fears. How do you do this? First, you have to recognize and acknowledge that you have OCD. This means that some days will be bad, some days you will cry and not want to leave your bed. The second step is to face your fears. This means being intimate with your partner. This means telling him that you do love him (even though OCD says otherwise). This means being close to him (holding him, sleeping near him, watching movies together, cooking dinner together, etc.) BE CAREFUL with this step, however. You will be tempted to do many compulsions. These are the things you SHOULD NOT DO: 1. Ask him for reassurance that you love him or that he loves you. 2. Do not check yourself during intimate moments. Do not "test" yourself. 3. Do not search online to see what others are saying about it. You are not them. You have years of experience being in your mind, but they have zero experience being you. You cannot base your life off of others' opinions, no matter how convincing or scientifically correct they seem. You are you. 4. Stop checking this app obsessively. You have a life to live, so go live it! 5. Avoid proving to yourself one way or another. Life is filled with uncertainty, and you must accept that. This is all the advice I can give you. Rinse and repeat that, follow these directions, and I assure you that things will be better over time. You will relapse, and that's okay. You are human. You are strong. :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thank you very much 😭 I took a screenshot of this. I’ll read it everyday

@Mandy7710 No problem 🤗 choose to have a good day today, no matter what the OCD tells you. This too shall pass!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I wanna ask one more question for you? Only if it’s okay

@Mandy7710 Of course! What's up?

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. What happens if the thoughts calmed down and the feelings are still there? I believe that’s why I am obsessing....

@Mandy7710 This is actually a great sign! It means that your anxiety level is not as high and you're not as distressed. To put it simply: there's only so much obsessing a person can do before the thought becomes less powerful. Now, I know you're thinking, "but wait, the thoughts might have stopped and they don't feel intrusive but I'm still questioning and feeling uncertain! It feels so unnatural! What does this mean?" It means you're normal. Every couple does this, especially if its after the honeymoon phase. In fact, it's healthy to question a relationship (but not obsess over it). It doesn't mean you don't love your partner and it certainly doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or him. It means that you're developing a new stage in your relationship, so embrace it and let it be. It terms of "what you used to have" (because all of us are longing for what we used to have before OCD took over), it will eventually come back. Love is not a vessel of affection and attraction, but a commitment to someone. Commitment takes energy every day. It is not magical and it isn't always fun or exciting. Sometimes it might not even feel "right." But that is what a relationship is all about. It's about maintaining love even though you're uncertain or uncomfortable or questioning. Don't let this consume you and you will be fine :)

That's alright :) what if's are the foundation of OCD. I am not sure of your particular relationship or situation, so sadly I can't help as much as I'd like to, but I think that through a lot of self reflection and ERP therapy, you will arrive at a better place in your mind. Go easy on yourself and be sure to spend quality time with your partner. I'm here if you ever need to chat again.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I compare my relationship to my roommates.... I always tell myself are my partner and I happy like that.... do we have enough in common?... do I love my partner like that?.... I know I love my partner... I know l do..... I always test myself saying I have to tell him the truth to see if I am really lying. My friend likes to test me asking me why do you think you’re lying? Tell me why you don’t love him? Do you find him unattractive? Then I can’t come up with an answer... then I feel like I know I am lying to her too... I’ve become so desensitized from this...

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Is there a safe sleep aid you would recommend?.... I take NyQuil to help me sleep... I know I mentioned this before.... but I know I compare my relationship a lot... my partner and I lived with our roommates for 6 years now.... throughout that time I compared and my brain tells me I want a relationship like that when I am happy in my relationship. Even now... I can’t tell if I am lying... I recently told my partner I’ve been feeling detached... which is why I constantly believe it’s me... which is why I am so unhappy... I tried sitting with theses thoughts/feelings and it made it worse... I constantly believe I am in denial... this year is so hard... I want to love my partner like before I remember cuddling all the time and I start crying my eyes out screaming I want it to go back to normal... I cry at work at home and even while I drive.... 😞 I am not even scared of dying sometimes... I don’t want to sleep next another man or cuddle with someone else... I hate the idea of it! Lately I can’t sleep at all. I’ve developed insomnia... I don’t even believe it’s ocd anymore... earlier I was able to cuddle with him and felt happy/comfortable. I could say I love you to him and not feel like a lier. When I test myself by saying I don’t love him I punch my leg if I don’t get a reaction... I feel like I am going insane. 😞

@Mandy7710 First, it is best not to seek reassurance from others. Do not rely on your roommates testing you for the answer, you cannot live your life like they do. You are not them, and neither is your partner. You have your own connection with your own relationship identity that is separate from everyone else. This is important to remember because on the outside, every couple may seem perfect or better than our own. This is not the case! By punching your leg, you're doing nothing more than the equivalent of picking petals off of a daisy. You're seeing your love for him as a black and white response. Love is not like that; it's not linear or clear. As far as sleep goes, most of us here have issues with sleeping. We experience terrible nightmares about our subtype, we have insomnia, sleep paralysis and sleep walking problems. The best advice I have for you is to recognize your behavior. You cannot sleep because your brain is in panic mode. You must learn to shut this off. Your body has a peripheral nervous system - it has 2 parts: a somatic nervous system and an autosomatic nervous system. Your somatic system controls the flight or fight response. For those of us with OCD, this response is ALWAYS triggered - sometimes it may seem overwhelming. Your autosomatic system works to calm you down from this response. Your goal is to tap into this system. You can do this by meditating for 10 minutes (focus on your breathing, picture something soothing, or listen to calming music), or by doing relaxing activities (playing with a pet, talking to a friend, working out, reading, etc.) If this doesn't work (usually because the OCD is stressful), your best bet is to sit with your frustrations and talk yourself out of the panic mode. Be aware of your mind and your behavior. To be introspective is to understand yourself from within and to see the way you are reacting to things. Take it a day at a time :) peace be with you today.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thank you for the advice... it’s hard for me you know bc it feels so real... I can’t help but panic everyday.. I feel like I convinced myself so it’s hard...

Cried and felt numb... my friend said I looked like a zombie... 😞 how much does erp cost on here?

I got so desperate I started googling....

@Mandy7710 Fight the urge to Google. Googling will only complicate things and cause more doubt for you! For information about the NOCD program, here is a link: https://www.treatmyocd.com/how-it-works The app is free for a month and then costs $15 dollars per month after that. They are flexible in their payment options and programs to ensure that you can pay it off in increments as you go. I hope this helps.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. 😭😭 thank you!

@Mandy7710 Of course! :) I hope you choose to have a great day. Stay away from Google and spend time with your partner!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I have to work today. But tomorrow I wanted to go to Barnes and noble so we’re doing that tomorrow

@Mandy7710 That sounds good! Find a good book to read so you can relax.