im confused. confused over everything. confused over who i am, what i want, what i need. im either numb or inexplicably anxious. there is no other emotion on the dictionary for me. i know i might end up deleting this later out of confusion over whether this is my truth or im just deceiving everyone. id say that i hate this disorder but what's the point. ocd doesn't chicken out or pity you when you cuss at it. do i even have ocd i haven't even got a diagnosis yet maybe im just a monster in disguise or have dramatic bitch disorder (a condition made up by me to invalidate my struggles since that's the only thing im good at). oh well

thank you for your comment. i seriously can't handle true uncertainty. i don't know what id do if i were to find out the possibility of my intrusive thoughts being true. id never be able to feel normal again and id be so consumed in self-loathing. im so afraid that my thoughts may be true sometimes because it just feels so real; i feel nauseous from the anxiety. but i don't even have the energy to do my stupid mental compulsions anymore so i feel lost. regarding the treatment part, i started seriously struggling with this (constant thoughts & anxiety, mental compulsions) 3 months ago and when i told my mom about it she dismissed it. i never brought it up again out of shame. apart from that, my symptoms have subsided for the past few weeks. it only gets really bad when im seriously triggered otherwise it's manageable. so i think to myself, if i were to reach out for help now, i might not even get a diagnosis since i currently feel free from ocd for the most part. and if i don't get a diagnosis ill be sent to a panic attack believing that my thoughts are true and god knows what ill do then. so my current "plan" is wait for the ocd to get real bad again like the start and then get a diagnosis and treatment. i know this sounds stupid but it's the only thing i have the guts to do. also i apologize for dragging this out so much

@feethebee Please don't apologize. It's okay. I'm here to listen! I know how scary it feels. I was in the same boat as you. My constant thoughts and my constant compulsions stopped because like you I was just so tired and numb feeling. I know how you feel. I decided to reach out anyways because it was just so overwhelming w sadness & fear and I'm getting set up with an OCD therapist. You do not need and really should not wait until it gets that bad again :( you don't deserve that. I know it's so scary and feels almost impossible, but the first step is one of the hardest and most important.

@Anonymous you are probably right. and that part about not having constant thoughts and compulsions anymore because of exhaustion is so relatable, plus it's easier for me now to focus on things outside of my intrusive thoughts, and for these reasons i feel "less ocd" that's why im so confused :( im just very afraid of what could be the true meaning behind this entire mess in my brain :\ once again thank you so much for replying i wish you well!