i can’t even watch straight porn anymore. i can’t even watch gay porn anymore. my mind is telling me that dicks are gross and boring. but i never thought that until got onto social media and so all the girls constantly complaining about men and sex. like if your partner isn’t satisfying you, FUCKING TELL HIM. but no, they rant about it online instead and tell your girls that “lesbian sex is the only way to experience pleasure” and blah blah blah. im so sick of it. i just want to be myself again and watch the porn that i like. FUCK

Awe, hey there. I understand where you're coming from. As an exposure, I once found an article written by a lesbian than boiled down to: men's bodies are gross and women's are voluptuous and sensual. Yeah, I remember feeling panicked over it because when you have OCD, you tend to start believing other people's perspectives. And also, you're bred from the time you are a little girl to have a desirable figure (no wonder we have such a tough time with HOCD! We have what some psychologists describe as the "male gaze" where we think like a man in our sexual thoughts because it is so internalized in this culture). So for a long time I could only feel "attraction" or "arousal" of women because I was letting this one perspective harm me that way. Everytime I'd see my fiance, I'd feel grossed out. Why? Because I was letting the OCD win. It's normal to feel attraction towards any good looking person, regardless of gender or sexuality. This is a fact. But, as you've pointed out, sometimes there is a culture that can be very toxic towards certain groups. Don't let that hate consume you. If it's of any consolation (I'm not trying to reassuring you), I finally feel attracted to my fiance again (yay!). It doesn't mean I still don't question it or get aroused when I see women (OCD is a horrible disorder), but I let that slide and say "I really don't care if sex with women would be better. I enjoy it with my man now and that's the reality." And that is the reality! The reality is that you've enjoyed men your whole life. Don't let one bad apple ruin the bunch. Men's bodies are beautiful - especially things that aren't necessarily sexual about them. It's their voice, their hands, their eyes, their facial hair, the way they handle things, their kindness and quirkiness, their laugh, etc. Let it go, sis. You'll be better off if you just accept those thoughts, retrain your brain, do ERP sessions and move on. :) I'm here if you need to talk.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I just wanted to say thank you for this comment. I have a pretty though day today (which is the reason why I am on here again 🙈) and your response was so insightful without it being reassurance. So thanks a lot for that you motivated me to try to get back on track with my recovery work!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. i guess that was really insightful, thank you for sharing that with me. but i’m so scared. it’s almost my one year having HOCD and i never thought i’d still have it to this day

@Heleni I'm so glad this could help you. I know exactly where you're coming from, you are not alone. Everything you experience, even if it doesn't feel like OCD, most of us have experienced it, too. So don't be too hard on yourself and brush yourself off and get back in the game :) you're doing a great job and you're becoming more and more aware of what your brain is feeding you.

@ocdear Time is not the measuring stick of progress. Don't let time dictate your hard work :) A lot of us live with our subtypes for many years. For many of us, our subtype will always be in the back of our mind. The goal is to be okay with that and move on. It sounds like to me you're doing fantastic. You have had one full year of experience with your subtype and you know exactly how it affects you. Someone out there needs your advice and help, too. So I suggest helping others with their experience of the subtype. This will in turn help you. Remember to give yourself care and to always ask for help (not reassurance). You should be proud of yourself!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thank you for this, truly