Lately I’ve really been struggling. I’m currently obsessing about wether or not the porn I viewed makes me a pedophile. It was legal but very taboo. I viewed it in my early teens back when I had a porn addiction and quickly became desensitized to regular porn. I ruminate over the things I’ve seen constantly and I feel so disgusting and guilty. I compulsively try to seek reassurance about this because it’s one of the only things that still fuels my pocd. :((

I don't even watch porn anymore, and I'm trying to understand whether or not masturbating is a compulsion or ERP for me. I'm beginning to think it's a compulsion but urges are still there to do it. Then there's traumatic experiences where I saw cartoon CP on some asshole's instagram and plenty of fucked up shit on Twitter just because it's twitter they always have a dark side. YouTube lately just gets really weird results for the things I search even if it's things I know is safe. I ruminate a lot about these things

I also have false memories of me searching for illegal stuff. It’s so disgusting I honestly want to TW... vomit

@Isabella I have false memories of the sexting I used to do when I was younger and the searches I made on porn sites. I feel like I may have made searches for things I didn't know were illegal at the time

@BigGip09 I’ve also seen cartoon cp or hentai and it’s made this 10x worse. It’s made me consider suicide because of how disgusted I am with my memory.

@Isabella I’m having an anxiety attack rn I feel so awful.

@Isabella I didn't want to see shit like that online but I did. All I remember is my heart dropping and me reporting the post. Things like that are why I never considered hentai. Ever. All I do is ruminate on the shitty things I may have seen and it makes me feel terrible for even watching porn in the first place

@Isabella I hope you can find a way to calm down. You feeling this way shows that you care and you aren't a bad person because others that wouldn't feel bad would actively seek more of it

@BigGip09 Yeah I’m terrified that I might of found it arousing. I feel so sick rn.

@Isabella One thing that always got me questioning things is cartoon porn in general. Majority of cartoons that are used come from the ones we've seen as children and the characters aren't of age but it's all over legal porn sites and it doesn't seem to really be taken down because they're cartoons

@Isabella The way I remember these thoughts it's if for the most part I'm watching porn that genuinely does turn me on and I'm comfortable but when I'm finished I see something that ends up making me uncomfortable and inappropriate this happened on porn sites and YouTube and I endlessly ruminate about it

@BigGip09 Yeah it’s messed up. The one I saw was really disturbing and it f*cks with me all the time. I feel like a monster

@Isabella I think it's a good thing that it disturbs you because you didn't like what you saw and you wish you hadn't seen it but unfortunately you had seen it. I remember people in the comments being really angry at the video with what they saw and I was angry as well and I just exited the app as fast as I could

@BigGip09 It's fucking sick, and there's playlists like this on YouTube that aren't taken down. I searched for 18 year old girls when I was 18 and I did find a video that I liked but beneath it were comments debating her age even though she looked 18 to me and when I clicked out of it I just saw disgusting playlists talking bad about children that had children in it it's fucking sickening and it still bothers me even though this happened months and years ago

@BigGip09 Some people were the opposite in the comments of what I saw. And it has traumatized me.

@Isabella There were people of the opposites for me as well. That made me feel so much worse. A lot worse than I did with the people angry at the video because there were people that liked what they saw and there were also people not afraid to disclose their true age this shit just makes my stomach hurt and it gives me a headache I know I'm attracted to women because I was just looking at women I had crushes on online all last night

@BigGip09 I’m attracted to men but my ocd has me convinced that I like little girls

@Isabella I'm attracted to men my age and mature women much older but my OCD is always bringing up the fucking past where I was younger and different then and try to bring it to who I am now this is why I can't leave it alone because it's always merging false shit. How old are you?

@BigGip09 I’m 19. I had a porn addiction when I was 15-16

@Isabella 100% same here. I'm also 19 and I've struggled with porn ever since high school started when I was about 15-17

@BigGip09 I feel so hopeless about it sometimes. I’m glad to meet someone with similar struggles.

@Isabella Yeah. It kinda made me feel good knowing that someone else is going through something similar. I just feel really horrible about all of it sometimes. Have you had a boyfriend? Perhaps that could help you feel a little bit better about your OCD.

@BigGip09 No I haven’t dated anyone in a while.

@Isabella But I compulsively kind of want to date older guys because of this theme

@Isabella Or at least some one my age

@Isabella Oh. I only asked that because I thought maybe being with someone can help you feel more accepted and understanding. I never had a date before. I want to feel a crush on somebody my age but it just never happens. Or maybe if I can use these things as a scapegoat entirely but it just doesn't work

@Isabella I feel the same way at times, but I try to tell myself that I've always wanted to be with a girl my age or someone older. There just hasn't been a click for me. I've always thought that falling in love is something that could recharge my happiness. Something I could never forget in my life. I'm at a point where I would want something like that so I could just feel a change

@BigGip09 And I've always believed that I had a thing for girls my age and older. Never ever younger. And I still feel that way even if this OCD is stopping me with real events

@BigGip09 You should focus on yourself and your own mental health before dating though. As much as I think dating would solve all my problems I have to remind myself that it usually makes your issues more complicated.

@BigGip09 Yeah I’ve also always preferred older men but ocd always makes you believe the opposite

@Isabella That's another thing that stops me from pursuing something so major. On one hand I want to take that leap and hope it leads me to fly because for one thing it's something I've never had, something I don't want to miss out on, and it's the one thing I've the most curious about in my life. It makes me feel like shit because I feel like it something I can't get due to this OCD and what I've told you so far

@Isabella Also I've read many articles that watching things like that by accident aren't the same as people that download it, keep it, share it, or actively seek not with the intent and not feeling bad