ive been having a hard week or two ive been triggered a lot lately i also let my erps slip my pocd has been getting really bad i thought i was getting better to the point where i even was like maybe im making this up and was wishing for bad thoughts just to make me at ease that i have ocd and the ocd is real but now im having them and i regret that wish... this sucks whats worse is sometimes it feels so real i was watching a show and didnt realize one of the people in it is a p*** and one of my biggest triggers i guess is that ive been alone my whole life no relationship history and this person hadnt either and the similarities are what make me feel that i am i turned it off once he was saying these things about liking who he is god god god i just i really dont want to be that i hope im not that i want reassurance and i know i wont get it my current erp is to listen to a recording of me saying maybe im a p*** and i should be listening to it 4 times a week but ive been slipping to once a week that is only my 9 on my hierarchy when i get to my 10 i have to read articles about people who are p***s next and i dont want to do that i think for me the biggest triggers arent really even young people its people who are definitely p***s and then if i find any similarities in us i freak the fuck out and i guess i do that with anyone psychopaths, lesbians, anything i dont want to be but could be if i find enough similarities if there are similarities and i guess also im constantly looking for explenation to being 28 years old and alone with no relationship history my brain is constantly looking for answers but the answers are always scary and freak me out is anyone else this way or ever feel this way i feel like a freak if anyone knew what was in my head id be locked up my therapist knows whats in my head but we never really go into detail like sometimes im worried like if she knew this thought she wouldnt help me anymore sometimes i think i make up that its ocd to relieve me of guilt i was getting so good at accepting uncertainty too and my exercises were becoming easier but its just i mean i feel like thats a normal thing no one wants to listen to a tape of them saying to themselves maybe they are a p*** like since my intrusive thoughts had lessened and my mood was better i thought okay yeah i feel better i dont need to do these much anymore i just feel like a failure and a fraud and scared ... its not the worst ive ever felt but its definitely reminding me of bad times where ive been at my worst ... also im pretty good at didtracting myself from things and so if i stay busy im better and if im not im worse i feel the need to want to confess on here and to my therapist but i know i shouldnt but i just feel like an evil person i feel evil and i want reassurance i want relief