Trigger warning: Does anyone have fear of hantavirus? I’m trying to do imaginary exposure but it’s still to intense. In my old apartment, we had mouse/rat problems-visible mouse/rat poo. In the city, roaches and mice are common and it didn’t bother me then. Now it’s a different story. I’m in a building where there’s mice/rat problems. The thing is I hate killing them. It’s really not their fault for carrying the virus. And humane traps mean I need to go out and release but I can’t get out of bed. It was easy for me to help out a trapped mouse from an empty garbage bin but burying a dead mouse was difficult. Fortunately I don’t think there’s any in my apartment but...I “hear” when I’m half asleep/half awake. And that’s enough for me to be anxious. And because of the past apartments, I feel like I’m covered in their poo. I had to do a lot of disinfection with my stuff from my old apartment but you can’t do everything 100% which is causing me anxiety and exhaustion. And you don’t know what things were touched. I try to throw stuff out but I have a fear of losing things. So when I throw stuff out I need to check to make sure nothing important is being thrown away. This fear was a lot stronger than my contamination but now it’s slightly stronger. That’s because my contamination fear escalated. I also do compulsions in the middle of my sleep several times which causes tiredness and exhaustion. Without proper sleep and having the urge to have to check and decontaminate, the thought of the process is exhausting. Thinking the best way to do these compulsions is exhausting. So by the time I get to checking I’m so tired I start to lose focus and because my anxiety is high I experience depersonalization. Going on autopilot, I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing so I have to repeat. Unless I’m recording myself. And then I question if I missed anything while checking. In the past I would be looking for something and while it’s right in front of me I don’t see it until someone points it out to me. So now I’m just avoiding a lot of things but it’s not right. I don’t know where to begin or how to tackle my fears. How to tailor my erp. I’m scared I’ll do it wrong. Like no one in their right mind would touch mouse poo for exposure. But then how do I expose my fear of hantavirus? There are bags I need to throw out but the longer I go without checking and throwing them out the more it’s contaminated. I can’t even say for certain there are mice but if I start throwing these bags out and come across poo, I know how anxious and tired I would be. And that thought alone is exhausting. I tried playing out the possible scenarios in my head as an exposure and it makes me cry. There are places in my apartment where I need to decontaminate but have to check first but just so tired. Tired from the anxiety of the hantavirus, mouse poo, checking, and all these thoughts. I’m sorry if I’m all over the place. I’m also scared of forgetting things and right now I feel like I’m missing an important information to get help for this.

I've never heard of that virus before actually... But I've just read online that there are different kinds of it and in Germany most people don't even show any symptoms... But you're probably based in the US...? It is really scary for sure and I can totally understand how you feel, I've also got some things I'm irrationally scared of... I guess we have to accept that life itself is dangerous and we can never be sure not to die, as horrible as that sounds. It's kind of ridiculous that we all worry so much, me included, about dying and therefore we aren't even really living. As in enjoy living...

? Lady, I am sorry to hear you are still suffering so badly with this. Over the summer I had my own bout with contamination as I felt I was leaking microscopic blood from a cut on my hand. First thing to recognize is that OCD likes to single us out and makes us feel 100% responsible, 100% vulnerable, and 100% alone. Realize OCD distorts the situation so that we feel out of control and panicked. OCD loves to magnify risk and create double standards. - Why do you think you have a greater risk than the general population or that of other individuals in the building? [This is OCD talking- double standard ] - Do you honestly think you can control your exposure to a microscopic illness? If you WANTED to get Hanta, do you think you could make yourself get it? [double standard / risk distortion] - What are the catastrophic thoughts playing out in your mind? You get Hanta and then what happens? Is the fear of getting the illness worse than actually contracting it?

I really feel you. Unfortunately I don't know how else to help you. I've got some stuff I need to sort out as well but since it might be "contamined" I've avoided it. But I'm determined to do something about it in the following months. You should, too!

I wish you luck and it would be awesome if you'd share your progress!

When I had a therapist she told me the exposures would be done in a “safe” way. Like she told me she wouldn’t have me touch mouse poo like you would if you’re afraid of touching a door knob but then what do I do? What if I accidentally touch mouse poo and I didn’t know about it?

Thank you. The funny thing is I’m not really scared of dying. At least that’s what I think. My symptoms are so debilitating sometimes I think death would be an easier option. But with that said actually doing something myself is scary so I’ve accepted maybe I’ll die from natural causes like viruses. But then I’m so afraid of them. I know my thoughts are flawed but how do I correct these thoughts? It can’t be done with the ERP alone, or can it? I’m just super confused because of my other disorders Overlapping each other I don’t know how to tackle this.

I am in NY and according to CDC, there were five cases of people dying from the virus while the majority were south western areas. But five cases are still enough for OVD fear to go full blown. It’s amazing how creative our minds can be.

Hi WorriedDriver :) I was just reading up about how to set up the hierarchy for blood related contamination fear. I hope you are doing better. I highly doubt a therapist would have you touch blood for the ERP much like mouse poo so that’s why I thought to read up on it. But no useful help :( I completely understand and agree with what you said about the OCD. There are answers (very real which makes this contamination threat very real) to your questions. I often do play out possible scenarios but I always end up “dead”. I kind of idealize it at times just so I’m no longer a burden. Also being a tree after death is pretty cool. I’m not afraid of death but more of what I couldn’t accomplish and dying with regret. And what would happen to my belongings. Because I have some embarrassing pictures/videos of me doing my rituals-which is the reason for my checking. That I’ll drop or lose and get them into the wrong set of hands. These are the reasons that have kept me alive. I guess not being in control and not knowing when I’ll get sick and die is what causes my anxiety. If I’m told I’ll die without a doubt next week, then I can prepare-but because I don’t know it makes me anxious. OCD makes me very stubborn to realize life is full of uncertainty but that’s why I can make it good just as much as I’m making my life bad right now. But I’m stuck. I’m in a big maze, trapped in by OCD with no exit nearby. It’s really funny because I’m high school I always feared of what ifs so much so that I started taking chances so I don’t lose out on my opportunities. Now my past is catching up with me. I know I can’t control everything and my controlling of ocd is making my ocd worse. That my compulsions aren’t really helping me. Like my checking compulsions are so exhausting part of my room is messy because I just avoid it.

*contaminated

Hi maybe :) I appreciate your help. Lately my rituals take about four hours and this is just to use the bathroom. I felt extremely nauseous and then had a panic attack followed by a meltdown. My stomach still feels awful-maybe because it’s that time of the month too. But then again other than the stomach cramps, the ready is pretty much the same as any other day. The other day I broke my record and was in the bathroom for 8 or 9 hours. It’s crazy how much I can’t control my ocd. I have a team of advocates trying to help me get the erp that’s more than what I used to get which was 4x/week at 45mins/session. I wish you the best with your ocd too. If I learn something I’ll keep you updated :)

Thank you