Read a comment on here that really triggered Me “you don’t avoid / run what you’re attracted to” I’ve always avoided guys & hanging out with them alone because I’m scared to embarrass myself & scared of intimacy. My lack of self confidence & lack of experience with guys always made me doubt myself and avoid it all together... also I would always have intrusive thoughts like “what if they aren’t the right one for me” or “what if they want to hurt me” ... I’m so scared that this means I’m just in denial :/

I’m so worried that I’ll never get married or be in a relationship because I’ve always pushed guys I was seeing away right before we’ve committed. Growing up this was always a constant thing, I’d like a guy, we’d have a good time together then I’d get scared, feel overwhelmed and trapped and start comparing him to what I “want” and if he met everything on my “checklist” and then push him away. I really liked these guys too and then I’d be so mean to them just because I wanted them out of my life cause I was just so overwhelmed and trapped. I didn’t even know ROCD was a thing, I thought I was just picky and then I thought I couldn’t receive love and then I thought I was aromantic and then asexual, but it wasn’t true because I did like being sexual with guys I really liked and I do like affection. It makes sense that this is ROCD because I’ve always had ocd tendencies and control issues. Does anybody else with ROCD just very hesitant about even getting in a relationship because they fear they’re stuck with someone forever and then start nit picking and then get turned off and then start to question everything??? I once talked to a guy who used the wrong “youre” and got scared and almost stopped talking to him fully. And the only relief when I feel overwhelmed is just being alone like I love being alone but I’m so sad because I want a boyfriend but feel I’m just not capable of loving and being loved. I guess now that I have a name to it I can work on it.

Anyone struggling with hocd going through this: growing up (18 now) I've never had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. I'm super awkward with that type of stuff for some reason and just don't know why. So any opportunity of having a serious boyfriend I was always uncomfortable and said no. That also had to do with me not liking my body and thinking that a guy would find it super ugly and unlovable. So with that being said I'm afraid I'm a lesbian or bi and like I don't find boys attractive anymore. I'm scared cause I want to be with a guy but I'm afraid I'll never find a guy I want to be with and find out in the long run I'm a lesbian or something. I don't want to be with girls but ocd is kicking me in my ass. Telling me that only girls are attractive, picking apart anything I find attractive on a guy and it makes me sad. Also sorry for the tmi but I'm afraid I won't find a penis attractive and that's that and I'm lesbian. I know I have to accept the unknown but I'm truly terrified cause of my past that it is set that I'm bi or lesbian and just was too stupid to know it.

So on tiktok there’s been a lot of talk being secretly gay but not knowing it. One of them is having only celebrity crushes or influencers people ‘unattainable’. I fit this in a way, I have had like one or two real life crushes. but I haven’t really interacted with guys like that. I’m not the prettiest so I haven’t really gotten make attention or really had straight guy friends before. And I usually crush on real life guys who seem kind or smart. So I’ve mostly crushed on guys that are celebrities. This has left me spiralling and worrying that I’ve just been lying to myself. I’ve always read heterosexual books about romance and have idealised that and have always wanted. Was it all fake? Was it what I thought I wanted?