I’ve given up on all this. I made a post here like a day or two ago about the same thing but it’s worse now. I dealt with some stuff over the last 3 years. Though I feel like I’m lying now typing that and that stuf go dealt with combined with music that helped me influenced me to want to make music that helps other people with my bad if we were to somehow make it. Anyway, I’ve dealt with a lot of thoughts about the band from saying I’d have ghostwriters to accusing me of disliking the band members etc... but this ones by far the worst and I can’t drop it. So the other day, I listened to a song I used to listen to in the first year of that stuff I dealt with and I got butterflies/anxious feeling in my stomach my brain set off saying I missed those days and what followed was a long talk between myself trying to convince my head that I truly didn’t miss those days and just looked fondly on the song. The past few days I’ve been arguing about it constantly over whether or not I miss the last 3 years and the stuff I dealt with and multiple times it’s made me feel like I’m lying and I didn’t actually go through anything. Anyway today’s been the worst day. I woke up at 1AM due to my messed up sleeping schedule from lockdown. I quickly went over why i didn’t miss it and after a few back and forths I tried to ignore and was confidentish I didn’t miss those days. After a bit it began again and I can’t remember how long this continued on with me arguing but I ashamedly and embarrassingly got so mad and frustrated and upset etc that I started tearing up out of frustration, broke my gaming headset out of anger and actually smacked myself a few times because I was so sick and tired of it. I felt like shit for ages and tried watching a video, at this point I said to myself “I don’t care about the band anymore I’m done, it’s over” and then as I watched the video and cared less. I seemed to notice that when I thought about whether or not I missed feeling like shit I could easily say I didn’t. I went into another room randomly and started going on about it all, again stupidly out of frustration and anger smacked myself a few times. I went downstairs later on and being home alone, I wandered around the living for 30-40 minutes going on about why I really did go through stuff over the last 3 years, the fact that a lot of the songs I’ve written are personal, the fact I don’t miss that stuff, the fact that if I really did miss it I wouldn’t be doing everything I could at the minute to change my life around to be happy and more. I felt better and more confident but still like a liar at the same and in a way felt like I had already gone past the point of no return if that makes sense. Like my brain had said too much and and I couldn’t do the band anymore. I got on with my day and later began playing my bass when I played a song from one of those years not meaning for the thoughts again. The anxiety/butterflies started and my brain began sating the same again and not too long after I went up and began watching YouTube, ignoring my brain saying all that stuff but it was building up in the back of my head. I began arguing eventually again and decided to search up the definition of “missing something” which said “to feel sadness or regret over the loss of something” which instantly led me to feel confident again because I said “I know 100% I’m so much happier and stress free in college than I was in high school whereas if I missed it it would be the opposite, I’d feel sad and want it back”. I felt better and went downstairs to grab something only for it to start with “you do feel sadness that times gone” which worried me. Then the last few hours I’ve sat here and it’s the same Stuff going over in my head and again ashamedly I’ve smacked myself a few times out anger and frustration. On top of that, I feel like I’ve gone too far like I said earlier. I feel like my brain has said too much and it’s kind of over band-wise. My brains telling me I went through nothing over the last 3 years despite the fact I know deep down I did. It’s telling me the songs I wrote aren’t personal even though I know a lot of them are, it’s telling me that certain things weren’t problems and I faked them swore overwhelming evidence I did really feel bad. It feels real too but I think my brain might be twisting stuff if that makes sense. Basically, like I said music really helped on those nights and I used to go out for tea with my dad every Wednesday who I only see every fortnight and that was nice because it was an escape because for like an hour I’d forget the thoughts and be out of the house. Every time I think if the last 3 years it makes me think of going out for tea with dad and the music which i obviously look back on in a good light but not the sitting inside night after night and dealing with the thoughts. I keep considering writing the whole 3 years out to prove to myself I did deal with so much but writing out 3 years of events when you dealt with it every day is such a long, drawn out and tedious task so I never do it. Also this will sound dumb but I think my brain “romanticises” it all if that makes sense. Because it’s been a year pretty much since I left high school, it can manipulate facts and what happened a lot easier. Like trying to make out that this is some great story or heroic thing when it was just me feeling shit over presumably OCD and never going out. Shouldn’t I just think though “at the end of the day you know you went through stuff otherwise you wouldn’t be influenced to do what you want to do. If you truly missed it you’d be trying to recreate that setting instead trying to be happy”. The thing that gets me with that though is I ashamedly admit in my final year of high school I kind of self sabotaged. One night I thought “why don’t you ask so and so if you can go out with them, they’ll let you” and I said no and never did. I forgot about that night up until last quarantine where the thought ate me alive and I felt so wrong about it. It was a question of “did I stay in to feel sorry for myself or for the band?” Sorry for this ramble but I really don’t know anymore. I noticed that ever since I made the band my primary passionate and love, I began to have thoughts that upset me about it and they’ve got worse as time went on. For example, due to the foundation of the band for me being on what I went through. For months, my brain would scan through the last 3 years searching for anything to trip me up and upset me over.