TW: brief suicide mention, could also be triggering for POCD sufferers I’m feeling horrible right now. I’ve been getting this horrible feeling that I’m starting to like my thoughts and am starting to want to fantasize sexual things with children. And I’m scared that I really just caught myself fantasizing about it and am just pretending that I don’t like it. And I don’t even know if it’s true or me just going down the rabbit hole of ruminating. I know I never felt like this before! Ever! I never wanted this before! And I’m terrified that because I’m thinking about it all the time I’m starting to become like “you know maybe it isn’t as bad as everyone says”. I hate seeing the words pedophile, pedo, MAP, because I don’t feel disgusted as I should and I get this feeling like “that’s you!” I just feel like I’m starting to discover this thing about myself and I feel horrible. I sometimes have these scenarios in my head where like I’m being interviewed with some of my favorite YouTube personalities and since this whole thing began something always wants to label me as “the first openly out pedophile” when I know I’ve never thought that before nor ever wanted that. I just don’t know anymore. Everything is so screwed up. I don’t know who I am anymore. I want to cry but it’s like I can’t. It’s like it’s saying crying is an excuse and you’re just saying you want to cry because that will be proof you don’t want this when really you do. It’s similar when I think about if I want to commit suicide. I don’t. And it’s like “yeah you don’t want to commit suicide because you’re happy with this. You know secretly this is who you are.” It just keeps going further and further downhill and no relief. Checking and ruminating hasn’t even given me any temporary relief, and I don’t think it has for quite some time. I think I’m just completely numb to any kind of reassurance now. I’m struggling with ERP because I just don’t want to do my exercises. Because I know it will make me anxious and I can’t handle being anxious. Especially when it involves POCD. How can I do these exercises when the subject is about something so horrible. It would have been easier if I was just dealing with my TOCD or SOOCD. It would still be okay even if I did turn out to be lesbian or trans. I know I’m not trans. Jury’s still out on the lesbian thing. But pedophilia is not okay. Ever. And it never should be. It just feels like I’m being condemned. Like “you’re going to be this thing and I don’t care if you don’t like it. You’re going to learn to like it cause you’re stuck with it” OCD had in a way helped me feel more for the LGBTQ+ community and sympathize more with them over the years (I grew up in a very conservative oriented surrounding). I worry that it’s trying to make me feel the same for pedos. I don’t want to understand them. I worry I’m one of those non offending pedos who don’t want to be that either but they are. I wished I had never learned about these kinds. That way I could be blissfully unaware and feel no sympathy at all. Does that sound really horrible? Yes. I know it does. I’m not proud of it. I’m sorry this is all probably nonsensical rambling but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I could take these thoughts and feelings and rip them out of me and throw them away.

POCD

Isabella

Date posted: 4y

I’m literally struggling with the same exact pocd thoughts and worries and it’s driving me crazy. I worry all the time that I’m actually just a non offending pedo or that I’ll become a “map” and it disgusts me

Isabella

Date posted: 4y

I can’t tell what’s ocd or my true desire anymore and I constantly question my morals :(

Iwashere2

Date posted: 4y

Its almost like I wrote this post 😂 I'm sorry that you're going through this but I am literally in the exact same boat which is only showing me that while we dont have certainty, I am VERY confident this is OCD. You got this!

Iwashere2

Date posted: 4y

I started getting upset that I was more concerned about my well being than the actual act. And because I'm a planner, I was already ruminating ln what would happen to me how I'd survive in jail, and it just made me feel worse cause it felt like I accepted the reality

tatianasf.94

Date posted: 4y

I have intrusive sexual and I know exactly how you feel. It’s going to be ok. It sucks that you are feeling like these, but you’re not the only one and things will get better 💗

ArtNinjaGirl

Date posted: 4y

I really hope so. It legit felt real and I’m scared

Fightingit

Date posted: 4y

I feel this exact same thing. I KNOW it’s wrong but I don’t feel as disgusted by the thoughts and I get a feeling of liking the thoughts or wanting to fantizise about the thoughts. But the one thing I’d say is this...there’s a big difference between even a non offending pedo and someone with ocd....non offending pedos still don’t worry about their thoughts. They still have them and like them but they don’t offend....people with ocd are scared that these thoughts are going to become real...or they are scared of the fact that they may like the thoughts...I know because I’ve felt that before. In fact I’m in that place now and I don’t like it. Remember matey...ocd will do anything to make you feel unsure or anxious.

Fightingit

Date posted: 4y

I guess you feel a lack of anxiety toward the subject too ? Almost like you want it ?

ArtNinjaGirl

Date posted: 4y

Yeah. It’s very bad.

ArtNinjaGirl

Date posted: 4y

I also wonder if it’s due to my lack of sleep. I haven’t slept well in days. I think I may have developed insomnia

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