Recently my OCD thoughts have been about someone who I work with. I identify as straight and today I was taking a sexuality quiz (which I shouldn’t have done) and one of the questions was who do you ship, then my mind thought about me and this girl. Now I’m freaking out because it felt so real.

I acted out a scene as a character in this show, and I then found out later the characters gay and I didn’t know it. And now I’m trying not to freak out and I keep getting this feeling in my chest while the fact he’s gay keeps playing in my mind. I wanna freak out so badly. It feels like real attraction and it scares me badly. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual in denial in my life. It was like this rising feeling in my chest and stuff, and it was this sweet feeling. Like it was trying to make me feel like it was good, when it wasn’t. Triggered myself again. FUCK.

@notoOCD I understand how you feel, I really do. The fear you must be feeling is off the scale. You’re not doomed to the way you feel, I know you’re probably desperate for reassurance, but it’s not what you need. It’s really, really not. This is scary stuff. What I would advise is that when you feel like this, or something has happened like this, you need to resist the urge to write it down on a public forum and post it. Try and just leave the thought in your head and sit with the uncertainty. It will feel unbearable at first, but once you get the hang of that, you’re already on the track to recovery. Accepting the thoughts is not the same as agreeing!

@Ellie I just can’t get over the rising “good” feeling. Like it was this sensation in my chest or some shit. I’ve been accepting the thoughts and feelings for a couple of days now but this takes the cake. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual at all. I don’t want to be with a man ever. I just want a woman in my life. I always gag and vomit to homosexual thoughts. I’m just so freaked out because of that “good” feeling. I don’t know what the hells going on, but I don’t want to be gay or bisexual at all.

@Anonymous I don’t want to give in to your reassurance compulsion, but I feel like you need to hear this. OCD will distort reality in a manner that acts to prove itself, for example - someone has health OCD - they have a fear that they could have a brain tumour - they’re ruminating so often that they start to feel a pain in their head and light headedness. They panic... ‘are my hands numb?’ Etc, etc. Health OCD mirrors sexual orientation OCD in many, many ways. This knowledge isn’t gonna help you, and you’re still going to be crippled by the obsessions and the feelings. Look into ERP, I promise you it is worth it!

I think you just have to separate the character from yourself. So you’re “acting” that doesn’t define you. The attraction feels so real but it’s not it’s just your mind playing tricks on you because that’s what you fear. Keep being strong!

@HopeForAnxietyRelief Our HOCD will do everything it can to screw us over. Don’t let the thoughts and the feelings get to you. We’ll both make it.

@notoOCD Thanks for the encouragement! We will make it we just have to fight this. My thoughts all came from HOCD and that’s what we have to keep telling ourselves.

@HopeForAnxietyRelief I hope I have HOCD. I’m not even diagnosed. So that scares me even more.

@notoOCD See comment below