I don’t know if I’m ever going to get better, if I’m ever going to feel good, if I’m ever going to be able to carry on with this 10 years down the road. It’s torture with no exit, for me recently. Every time I bring up my OCD around family, they get annoyed. I can’t go to friends because it has only been of temporary relief. I am literally tearing up as I write this. I’m afraid I’m so close to convincing myself of the horrible lies my OCD has been telling me. I just can’t, I don’t know if there’s anyone or thing that can make me feel better. It’s been like lifting gigantic boulder up a steep mountain the entire day—and I could be crushed by it if not careful. If there is a god, why must he put me through this? I have already been through some many enough hard times in life, this OCD has only magnified any insecurities, anxieties, feeling of loneliness, self hate, and negative emotions.

back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.

My OCD has become so bad and I feel so alone. I have religious OCD (Christianity) and I’ve been doing okay with letting the blasphemous thoughts go in the moment, but I’m so overcome with guilt and shame I can barely function. I can feel okay and hopeful for a few minutes and then I’m reminded of the horrible thoughts and how nothing can take them back and I can’t handle the guilt. I’m becoming a burden to my family and feel so alone. I do not know what to do. Please help.

Please don't delete this post. Please. I feel so dead, even though I’m still alived. I don’t know if I’m depressed already because of my severe OCD. I’m struggling with Religious OCD, and after a recent severe episode, the days that followed felt even worse—more depressive, more lifeless. I feel like I don’t care about life anymore. I badly wanna die. I'm not suicidal person and I'm still scared to die. I have low appetite. I keep breaking down. I’ve started harming myself repeatedly—even though I only began doing that two days ago. I can’t see the purpose of my life anymore. I feel like I intentionally committed blasphemy, especially against the Holy Spirit. I feel evil, like I’m being punished by God—and that’s one of the biggest reasons I want to die. I keep having blasphemous thoughts, like I’m disrespecting or cursing God, especially the Holy Spirit, and it’s tearing me apart. Last night, I was thinking about committing blasphemy on purpose. I don’t know why that thought even came up. I think it’s my OCD—because blasphemy, especially against the Holy Spirit, is my biggest fear. While that thought was in my head, it was like I intentionally cursed at the Holy Spirit, then I took it back, then cursed again, then took it back again—and then cursed again. I don’t know what was going through my mind when I tried saying those things. I feel so scared. Did I really mean it? Was it my OCD? I feel like I’m going to hell. I’m so scared. After that episode, I almost harm myself again. I felt like I was evil for even thinking or saying those things. I even had a thought like, “I might as well go to the devil because I’m evil,” but I didn’t want that. I would NEVER want that. I was just overwhelmed and terrified. Because of how distressed I was, a phrase slipped from my mouth—“Why is there a Holy Spirit?”—and I panicked even more. I swear, I don’t hate the Holy Spirit. I don’t know why I said that. Some of my memories from that night are blurry. I can’t remember everything fully, just that I was in so much fear. I also had this painful thought about how even people who commit huge sins, like murder, can still be forgiven—but blasphemy supposedly can’t. And because of that fear, another thought came: “I wish I committed other sins instead, not blasphemy.” But to be clear, I don’t want to commit other sins. I don’t want to be a murderer or anything like that—I was just scared. So scared that I even thought, “I wish blasphemy wasn’t a sin,” just because I’m terrified of the punishment. I know that’s a wrong thing to wish. I know it is a sin, and I’m not against that. I just feel so condemned, so punished. I really feel sorry for that. Now I feel even worse. I feel like my heart is confused about the Holy Spirit. OCD keeps telling me I’m angry, that I hate Him, that He’s the lowest or least important of the Trinity. But I don’t believe that. As I learned about Trinity, I always saw God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as equal, holy, and powerful. But my brain keeps saying horrible things. I keep shaking my head, trying to fight it, but I feel like I’m going insane. This morning, I woke up with the urge to curse at the Holy Spirit intentionally. Right before I could say it, I’d pull my hair or force myself to change the words. I was in so much distress that another phrase slipped out of my mouth about God—but now I can’t even remember exactly what I said. I just know it was wrong, and I panicked. Now I feel like I deserve to be punished. I don’t care what happens to me anymore—but I’m still scared. I keep crying and begging God, Jesus, especially the Holy Spirit, to forgive me. I don’t want my life anymore. I don’t want to go to hell. I don’t know if this is all OCD or if it’s really me. I don’t know where to go, who to talk to. I can’t afford a therapist. My family doesn’t know what I’m going through. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have severe OCD. I feel depressed. I feel evil. I don’t know how to live my life anymore knowing that God might be punishing me, and that if I die, I might go to hell. Please don’t hate me. I don’t even understand everything that’s happening in my mind anymore. I don’t know what’s OCD and what’s truly me.