I have been scared of one of my friend what if I like her, this thought has been there from October and I have avoided her so much that my fear has just peaked next level. When I open Instagram my mind goes like oh u are excited to see her stories aren't u but it the most difficult task to do but I try not to compulse. If she hasn't posted I am filled with relief but then my mind say of aren't you disappointed. I don't even know if these are intrusive thoughts anymore, when I want to post something my mind goes like she is gonna see it and then I don't want to post it. Just now I posted a reel on my story even though mind was screaming horrible things and I looked at it after sometime I realised the audio wasn't available so I was like that sucks people must have seen it without any audio and I was like let's delete this not of any use and then my mind was like (I don't clearly remember what my mind said cuz it was sour of the moment) but it was something about her and then the next story slide came and i saw this seen Icon and her picture popped up and like in that 3second moment my anxiety raised so much I could feel the pins the on my back and hot and cold flash and heart rare went blasting the roof and all this time my mind was aren't you embarrassedd i think the anxiety rose because I had the thought and then suddenly her picture popped up. We used to be bestfriends but cuz of my thoughts I started to avoid her and at this point I don't even want her in my life, for dear life of God I can avoid her forever but I know that will only make the thoughts worse like it has now, I have been trying to avoid doing compuslions, i try post on story in form of doing ERP as my thoughts go like and oh she's gonna see it u are putting this for her , so I have been putting on stories while the thoughts keep popping up. But like u know I have started to hate her because she kind of took my close friends away maybe not intentionally but she did and I became anti social because of my ocd and that just makes me not want to talk to her and plus talking to her gives me anxiety. I at this point don't even know if these are intrusive thoughts like who has these type of intrusive thoughts but I just so hope that they are intrusive thoughts cuz I don't want to like her in a romantic way ever. I may have started hating her because of my thoughts too because like u know as having damaged thinking might have led my brain to only know the opposite of like that is hate, but like she scares the shit out of me. I swore that no matter how many stupid thoughts my mind produces for any other friend of mine like this I will not avoid them like I did her because that will only lead me into a shit hole. But these thoughts they give me anxiety like the ones when I open instagram are these intrusive thoughts.And my mind uses this against me what if u aren't afraid of ur other friends and u are of her means somethingut it's not like I don't have intrusive thoughts about my other friends, I have but I keep in mind not to make the same mistake as I dod in her case because back when he thoughts started to pop up I didn't even know there was something known as HOCDAnd she scares the shit out of me

Yes all the time and this specific obsession just pops sometimes but when it's not there my intrusive thoughts are those sexual ones

Yes I totally agree . It totally sucks sometimes I think the worse is when there is no anxiety to the thoughrs and you think you are actually liking the thoughrs and then you get anxiety for liking the thoughrs

Thank you so much, yeah I am trying to take baby steps towards that

@rachel1219 Yeah that is the worst part

@tulipsharma Don’t worry my daughter has it too. But one thing to remember is that your sexual orientation cannot change - you are what you were born with at birth- it’s just how it is. I try to remind my daughter that. Teenage years are hard

@rachel1219 Yeah I know but there are still some people put there turning gay out of no where and I just get so scared but yeah I will keep that in mind😊

@tulipsharma Yes I have seen that too but with women you need to understand sexuality cannot be black and white .... it can be in between too... I’m straight and I have always always thought women are super beautiful .... and hot

@rachel1219 Yeh my sister says that too

@tulipsharma Yes I try to tell my young daughter that who is 13 and coming into her sexual self ... she needs everything to be black and white ... but it just can’t and that’s how it happened with her ... she saw a TikTok video of two girls doing inappropriate things.... she said she liked the video and became interested in it and went to school the next day and looked at the other girls and thought they were pretty and all of a sudden said “what If I’m gay!?!?” ... came home that afternoon and was crying so much telling me she doesn’t know what to do ... and she was very very scared ...I honestly didn’t even know what was happening the first two months... she was just crying and depressed and I didn’t know what was going on .... she is ok now but it’s hard for me as a mom too..... she still has a lot of intrusive thoughts .. a lot of them .... but I tell her to sit in the anxiety and take them in it will be ok

@rachel1219 Yes absolutely!! I hope your daughter gets better soon

@tulipsharma Yes you should...it's gonna be scary at first but it'll get better...btw are you from India if you don't mind me asking?

@Lleonesss I am Indian- but not from India- not sure if you were asking me - are you from india

@rachel1219 Omg!! No I was actually asking Tulip...but so glad to hear you're Indian...where are you currently from?

@Lleonesss We are here in the United States - my daughter 13 and where are you from and how old are you

@rachel1219 I am from Kolkata and I'm 18...been struggling since a year and a half

@Lleonesss What triggered your HOCD ? Can you please tell me

@rachel1219 Sure...I can't really pinpoint exactly how or when but I strongly suspect it was at school ( I go to an all girl's school) ...we were all playing a game when this friend of mine whom I'd known for like 3 years came out as a lesbian...it wasn't an official coming out thing...it was more like people just knew...so someone had asked her during the game about when she knew...that's when I got to know that she had once kissed a guy as well but later developed feelings for a junior...so I vaguely remember that at that point I was like I've never had a bf..I've never been in a relationship then how can I be "sure" that I'm straight!! What if I'm like her ? How do I know I'm attracted to guys and only guys...there was this whole deal of noise in my head after that. Sorry didn't mean for it to be long

@Lleonesss And now do you get intrusive thoughrs too of girls ... my daughter gets so many

@rachel1219 I do yes....it's mostly focused on my best friend probably because we were so close...and then I had been terrified and avoided her...I get thoughts about celebrities and some other friends .... sometimes even my sister and mother...it is so so hard ...but mostly now after so long it's mostly a constant voice in my head telling me that I'm gay and I should just accept it

@Lleonesss This is the same thing with my daughter ! She said she had an intrusive thought of me and her cousin . It’s so bizarre.

@rachel1219 It sounds bizarre but it is completely terrifying...just last day I got an intrusive image about my mom...and now I refrain from showing any form of affection

@Lleonesss It is weird.... I know but sometimes I feel my daughter has become immune to it or she has just accepted it .... I don’t know if she is internally thinking she is gay.... I just don’t know....

@rachel1219 How do you go from liking boys so much to be completely gay ...

@rachel1219 I can understand...it's not possible but we're in so much doubt and constantly keep thinking about it that after a point we fail to realise what's real and what's not...and then there's another thing about some people realising that they were gay later in life...for me that's the scariest part

@Lleonesss Yes that is the part that I just don’t get ! But you know With anything there in uncertainty! Just need to accept it and you all will be fine !

@Lleonesss It’s hard but have the self confidence and you will overcome

@rachel1219 That's the hardest!

@rachel1219 Thank you! I wish the same for your daughter 💝

@Lleonesss Yeah I am from India😇

@Lleonesss I am from Punjab and I have been struggling since last 5months

@Lleonesss Happens to me

@tulipsharma I’m sorry to hear - my daughter is also struggling . We are also Punjabi

@Lleonesss Have you experienced this thing like now that thought that what I like her is your head and you don't want and so you might developed hate against her. Like this happened to me this wasn't the only factor to my hate I have so reasonable reasons for my hate to but i think it started from the Idea that I don't want to like so the only thing my brain knew was hate. If that makes any sense...

@tulipsharma Me too! Where are you from?

@tulipsharma I am a Punjabi too!!!this is so great!

@tulipsharma I completely understand I've been through this as well

@Lleonesss Yeah

@tulipsharma How are you guys doing ?

@rachel1219 Hanging in there. How's your daughter doing?

@Lleonesss She is doing ok. She has her days . Not sure how to help her . I guess she is figuring things out. It’s hard though

@rachel1219 Same here...some days are better and others the absolute worst

@Lleonesss What kind of symptoms make You feel they are bad days ? Intrusive thiughta about women? Or just looking at women etc etc ??

@rachel1219 It can be pretty much anything... some days I wake up with the intrusive thoughts... it might be a dream ...someday I'll see a woman and an intrusive thought might pop up leading to ruining my day and some days it's just all a mess where I question my whole life

@Lleonesss This sounds exactly like my daughter. Are you currently living in india ? Have you talked to your mom about rhis ?

@rachel1219 Yes I'm currently living in India...i haven't told my mom about this because I'm not sure how to and here therapy is expensive so I don't wanna be a burden...also I'm scared they might not understand or believe that I have OCD

@Lleonesss How did you come to a conclusion it was ocd ? I didn’t even know what was going on with my daughter for 2 months . My husvand is originally from ambala . I can understand it can be hard for people In india to get it . Do you go to school everyday ? My daughter started going into school now and it’s still hard for her because every girl she sees she has an intrusive thought about

@rachel1219 Honestly for a good one year I had no clue that I had hocd.. although I had been doing compulsions all along...it was during one of those compulsive online searches that I found an article that literally described everything I was going through... every symptom..so I read up more on it and realized I might have OCD...and I'm in college now ...we don't have offline classes but yes I did and still have intrusive thoughts and images about my friends and peers

@Lleonesss Yes it’s hard very hard I can understand. It seems like it is never ending and it completely stresses her out and she doesn’t know who she is anymore