I think I might be becoming a bad and miserable person because of my past. Recently a lot of people are being exposed for manipulating a child or person, and I started to think back if I ever did such thing. I think I did as a kid, but Idk. When I was a kid, sexting or virtual sex was a thing ( there was no nudes or anything very explicit, it wasn’t that far. Kid would just pretend to do the sex thing). It was very common ( it might have not been for you, but I would see this in video games) for some reason, and I was kind of into it but weirded out by it. I’m glad kids nowadays don’t do that anymore, but when I was a kid I gave it somewhat a try. It’s weird to explain, but this is what happened. I was about 12-14 years old, I don’t remember what age, but all I remembered is that it was the start of me going through puberty. I played this game called “second life.” It was a virtual social game, where you meet up and hangout with people virtually. It’s like vr chat, but not vr. Anyways, a girl invited me to her virtual house. I quickly accepted it invitation because...you know... I was a kid and my mind was like “oh my god, I finally have a online gf” I entered her virtual house, and we were playing truth or dare, then got bored. (I’m sorry this is we’re it gets weird) she asked “now what?” And then I asked if she wanted to go to the bedroom. She said sure. My heart was beefing fast and I was aroused because I felt like I had a gf ( when I say gf, I don’t really mean gf, it was a think kids would say when they hung out with a girl) and I never did this before I think, I hope it was the first and only. (This is very weird ik) This is we’re things got sexual. Once we got there, you know....think you know we’re it was headed. I asked if she has a emote dance that can re-enacts the doggie style. She said yeah, and we did the disgusting thing. I don’t think we said much of anything sexual because weird kids and we’re scared to type anything sexual. I might be wrong I don’t remember much of the conversations. All I remember was that we just had our avatars do the actions and just watched. 30s of that weird disgusting thing, and my arousal then climaxed. I freaked out when I climaxed. I started to realized this was a weird and disgusting thing. I was mostly scared of the climax because I felt like it was unnatural. I was scared of what just happened, and so I quickly told the girl to stop. She stopped, and I idk if she asked why or anything. I was too weirded out and just said “I have to go. Bye” she said ok. And I left. I deleted everything. I deleted the game and swore to never touch that game ever again because I thought it was evil. I think I also delete other social games that had similarities to that game. I never wanted to ever interact with a person online because that experience felt very disgusting and regrettable. Years later, I a 16 year old, find out about YouTuber manipulating underage fans. And I see my little cousins talk about their online bfs and gfs. I remember the disgusting situation that I took part when I was a kid. The I started to get scared. What if that “gf” was way younger than me? What if I manipulated her and I caused irreversible physiological damage? The whole interaction from when I was invited to the end of the interaction lasted only like 5-10 mins, I might be wrong though. I feel very horrible and miserable. I have no idea who the other person is that was the first and last time I ever interacted with them. I think I might have asked for their age, and it was my age, but I don’t remember. Maybe they were my age, and so that’s why we continued to be “bf and gf” during the interaction (not really big and gf, it a thing kids used to say) I feel bad for the other person. It felt like we both liked each other, but the possibility of the unknown age gap scares me. I feel like I did no damage to the person because it ended very quickly, but the possibility that I did still whispers to me. I’ve been starting to hate myself recently because of this. Maybe I deserve it, I have no idea. I don’t know how to look at that situation. I could make the argument that we were just two dumb kids who did something stupid or It could be seen as me manipulating and hurt someone. I don’t know what to think of it or how to feel. I now am starting to believe my existence should not be allowed to continue. I feel like I am not allowed to be happy at all. My family invites me to do fun stuff and hangout with them, but I reject their offers because I feel like I should just rot in my bed. I never felt very miserable and it hurts, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I might not deserve anything good I get in my life for what I might have done to the person. This might be the first time I ever spoke about this. I need some guidance in my life. What are your thoughts about all of this? Have you ever been in a similar situation? How should I feel about the situation? Am the evil person who hurt someone or were we both just dumb kids? Anything will help me. I’m going to tell this to my therapist m, but I feel like she might not help me. I feel likes it a “you screwed up your life” type of situation. Anyways I hope you have a great day wether you hate me or not. Thank you if you have read this far?

Thank you it means a lot. I am confused on how to feel about the situation. I mad a mistake as a kid, but I still have that feeling of it really impacted the other person when. I fixed myself since then, but I still have fear creeping up on me. Thank you though for giving me advice. I brings me comfort.

@🔓 There’s nothing to feel about this situation except letting it go. Trust me, it’s really not a big deal lol, it’s only the OCD talking.

@Anon123 You said you made mistakes that your OCD latched onto when you were 16-18 it was the same for me a little but younger at the start but still, do you think you can help me with my incident

Thank you for the advice. I’m just have a hard time dealing with the past. You’re advices means a lot.

@🔓 I'm having a hard time dealing with the past too! I'm just glad I was able to help you out with my advice. You're free to ask for help anytime you need it cause you matter.

How do I do erp for this? Any ideas that may help fight the fear? Anything will help a lot.

@🔓 What kind of therapist do you have? What kind of therapy do you guys do?

@christinejg94 Thave an ocd therapist. She mainly helps with anxiety. She gave me advice on how to deal with anxiety for now. She hasn't mentioned anything about ERP, but I'll give it time. I barley started therapy and just had my first session, so it'll be a bit until she mentions erp for my problems. Right now, I'm just using this app to get advice from people who already have experience and advice for therapy. I haven't told her this specific problem I have yet. I just wanted to post this because couldn't hold it in for a few weeks until I see my therapist. I brought me relief from bottling it all up which was nice. If you have any erp advice for this post, I will greatly appreciate it. Any advice or guidance will help a lot. Thank you for responding though. It means a lot to have people see my problem and try to help.

Hey, this is really beautifully written. Do you think you can help me out with something on this level on a post I've written? Pretty please? I'd love some feedback on my journaling and the problem I'm going through

@BigGip09 I can help you from an ERP perspective, yes, but I try my hardest not to give reassurance (even though these stories break my heart for y’all.) how can I help?

Than you for the advice. I’ll try my best to ingnore it. It’ll be difficult though because of the discomfort building up each day. I’ll work on it. Thank you

@🔓 If I’m being honest, I don’t think this thought will follow you much longer. I think you will tell your therapist and then move on. But when you move on to a different thought, or your thought morphes into, “yeah, okay, but....” or you add more details to the picture, please remember this is OCD and that is proof that doing compulsions like confession don’t work in the long term.

@christinejg94 Thank you! I've been wanting ERP on how to deal with this for quite a while. I've been able to not let it worry me from time to time but when I sit there and think about it it all comes back. So here goes: So at one point in most people's lives, I'm sure they've came across something they really didn't want to see while using the internet, or any social media site for that matter. I have friends that did, I've seen many people talk about it, and I myself have gone through it a few months ago. Im trying to meditate on how I can stop thinking about what I had seen given the context when I was on YouTube that night and put it past me, but it's hard. I just hate that I still ruminate about this over and over and I try my best not to. I didn't even search for anything related to the dumb playlist I saw. I wanted to masturbate, and l'm beginning to think this may be a compulsion for me but I'm honestly not sure. I don't like to use porn sites, since I can't see myself being turned on by hardcore porn knowing of the things porn addiction can do to people and what can be served on the underground of porn sites. I feel more safe with using YouTube or anything that can limit hardcore porn. Months ago, I searched for the usual things I would that can arouse me, that being girls my age, and definitely older women. Because of this event however, I feel like I've lost the attraction to look at girls that are "labeled" as teens because it makes me feel awkward that they may be underaged even if lassume that they aren't and my not be. I searched for 18 year old girls to watch sol could enjoy looking at hot girls that were my age at the time. I liked what I saw with the girl that was 18 in the video I searched for, and things were okay. But then, people started to debate the girls age in comments when the video itself said that she was 18. When I clicked out of the video, I tried to find another. But, while doing so, youtube threw this gross playlist that gave a negative sexual connotation about kids in the playlist the videos itself weren't sexual at all, and I didn't watch any of them and never would, but the creator and person that hosts the playlist made it seem that way. Nothing about that playlist I liked. This happened before and curiosity kicked in to see if it was actually real and not what I clicked on one video hoping to report it but got afraid that I couldn't find it. Then I wanted to report the entire playlist because it's not something that youtube should have given me and something that should not be on YouTube, even without the context in my opinion. OCD sometimes creates false memories thinking actually did watch videos in the playlist when I didn't, at all. It was so horrible I put my phone down before clicking everything out. I guess it still bothers me because it was an awful coincidence that met with me masturbating before l even ran into it. I focused on watching older women and then at the end Women my age but the thoughts are like "you're just using this to cover up for what you really wanted to see" or "but what if you actually did want to see that" or "what if you liked it" which if that was the case I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feel this much anxiety and worry about it because I've seen other bizzare sexual videos that didn't bother me whatsoever, but I don't stumble into anymore. Lately l've been feeling a much stronger attraction towards older women, muscular women, and plump women. Honestly multiple types of women I don't really have any limits for the most part. Up to 50 year old women I believe. It's not that I'm not attracted to women my age but when it comes to online for videos or images, l'd love to see older women so much more. Never ever ever any women below my age though. l just don't want to ruminate about this accident anymore. Dwelling on it drives me crazy but lately I've been telling myself "I'm not going to solve it"and it's working a little bit.

@BigGip09 So first you need to identify your compulsions. Telling people about this is a compulsion because you are trying to get reassurance. Replaying it and trying to figure it out is a compulsion. Let it go and it will eventually go away, I’m sure of it. It only seems so big because you are giving it so much attention. When you starve the OCD this won’t even bother you anymore. What you described is common in OCD, you doubting yourself, it mixing actions with ill intentions, or completely making up actions, ect. The proper way to treat this with ERP is just to sit with the uncomfortable feelings. If you feel like you can, you can even practice agreeing with the obsession instead of arguing with it. “Maybe I did get aroused by that. Maybe I didn’t. I do not know.” You never ever have to accept something unacceptable to you. But you can agree with OCD to sort of punch it in the face, and it’ll leave you alone.

@christinejg94 It's kinda difficult to agree with those thoughts because I know they're false. I know I didn't enjoy that. I remember the horrible sensation I felt in my heart when I saw what the comments had said in those videos as I tried to find a way to report it. Then I felt horrible for even clicking on the videos in the first place. Then I feel like I'm lying about it but if I was then I wouldn't be worried about it. My compulsions are ruminating definitely, I don't know if masturbating counts, maybe it does, and thinking about the past and future is another one. I feel like if I no longer worry about these things, I can get better. Now that you mention it, it does seem like a big deal the more I talk about it or give it attention. This has happened on other occasions where I search for one thing but get the other somewhere, but I only ruminate about this particular event. And it wasn't even a bad video, the connotation of the video and playlist was just disgusting. I always worry it's my fault that this popped up when I made no effort to search for it. Then I get worries that I know I shouldn't get like should I be punished for this horribly even though it was an accident and not planned. So.. I just sit with the thought, and the feelings? What if they don't leave?

@christinejg94 I also feel like a really awful person that this happened. I always fear something bad will happen to me because of it. Even if it won't I just don't know how to fully leave it behind me

I’ll give it a try. Thank you

@🔓 You’re welcome. I wish you rest and comfort and know that everyone is deserving of love.