Hey everyone, I’ve been suffering with HOCD for about two months and it’s something that I’ve been struggling with very much since it started. I was wondering if there was anyone that is also suffering from the same type of OCD and would like to talk about it, just need someone to relate to so that I don’t feel like I’m going insane.

I would just want to talk to someone about my experiences to someone that understands them, would you be open to talking and just sharing your story?

@ealvs11 Yes ofc!! It started off when i broke up with my ex boyfriend (now i have to clarify having a boyfriend to not make anyone sus of me because im wondering if people think im bi so im always clarifying). And i was very vulnerable emmotionally and mentally. One day i called my friend and said watch out you might turn bi or gay. It didnt hit me till i got home. I use to be asked if i was bi or gay and i didnt mind it because i was so set on wanting a boyfriend. But i couldnt hold that relationship for barely a month. It made me worry about what my guy friend said about me. I had a full blown panick attack shaking and feeling sick to my stomach. Over the next week i lost my appetite and sat in my room lost all personal hygene. And had panick attacks crying 24/7. I needed to be around my mother 24/7. I started getting chronic sleep insomnia. I didnt know why this was happening finally i decided to look up what was happening and i found out i was dealing with another OCD obsessive thought spike. Ive had one before but it was the fear of dying. And now it was HOCD. I cried and wanted to give up the fight. The first day after my panick attack when i would look at women id start complimenting them then would go out and get nervous at being around women scared to look at them and think something and say something in my mind that would cause more panick attacks. I suddenly started going downhill when i felt my loss in attraction men. I was so so worried. I started repeating id rather die than become bi or gay. Once i finally realized ill never be gay because ill always be attracted to men i souly focused on the fear of being bi. My suicidal thoughts started kicking in finally. I tried suicidal attempts 5 times but i couldnt. It was my deep conscience saying you want to live you do. So my HOCD thoughts really tired me out to the point where i started self harm. I took a shaving razor and cut my thighs. I looked up the safest place to do tattoos and the least painful areas. Which was my thighs. And i scared everyone. It kinda gave me a wake up call. I still felt no will to live and told myself i would kill myself on my birthday if the thoughts didnt go. Which my bday is tomorrow. I started realizing i had to finally accept the thoughts. Even though it was hard i needed to accept them. Once i did i say what if i am? A full relief came over me. Id watch cute kpop guys to try and keep my attraction to men up. I prayed to God cried to him got on my knees in the shower asking for help. Slowly and slowly being more exposed to the stores because i would go to grocery stores to become more exposed id get over it. Id always try to look at guys and say oh hes cute. Dang hes hot. Id try so hard. And id try to have scenarios with my boyfriend but my brain would make a woman pop into my head. And make me think what if u were texting a woman? What if what if what if what if. I then slowly started to realize who i am. I started remembering the old me and realizing i still believe in what i believed in before. I did not support it and i still wont. No matter how hard my brain will tell me dang shes pretty or feel something or hold her hand or do you feel anything towards her i know id be stronger and i know that they would just be thoughts. I finally stopped forcing scenarios in my head. I stopped thinking negatively. And every time the thought pops into my head im like brain fart. Ur just a fart. But now im at the point in the HOCD where its affecting my future. I use to be so sure in the begining about my destiny i still am. I still want a husband and kids. But last night i saw a show where a woman said my wife and i have kids. And it triggered my future im now fixated on it but i get glimpses of me and my boyfriend having a family. And God spoke to me today i had a gut feeling He did he said child do not worry you have a hope and future i am not here to harm you. It was a voice so randomly in my head. Now i say in my head i want a boyfriend i want a husband it is my destiny and you wont steer me away from that. So now i just remember my old self whenever the thoughts get over whelming or i just say maybe i am who cares. And they just go away.