Is it possible to act on a thought but not have its intention? Like when I changed my baby girl, the thoughts kept telling me to wipe her in a specific area over and over again, I even had thoughts that were agreeing with the others like “yeah I do but I can’t” “yeah I like it” yadda yadda. I wiped her again over and over as the thoughts said but does that mean I had that intention? Or did my thoughts make me believe I did when I had a mental breakdown over it after and even now. Uncertainty is the worst because I feel like I committed an evil thing but I can’t remember my intentions because I’m an idiot and when I panicked while I grabbed her clean diaper to put back on her I forcibly made myself forget it. So I’m just wondering if that’s even possible. To wipe again out of impulse of thinking it not because of the thoughts’ intention. I’m not like that this I know because I can bathe and change them just fine today. However I’m more mindful now to hurry when change or bathe them so I don’t get in my head again. I’m just wondering here. Because I still havent let the event go and it was months ago. I had a brief period where I let it go and felt fine but it always comes back. I’m a good man with a good heart and big one at that. Especially for my baby girls. So let me know if this is even possible. I’m losing my sanity.

You sound like a good dad who's worrying over thoughts and trying to revisit memories to find certainty. The more you revisit past situations ,the more uncertain you become. You need to stop checking in your head and deal with this through ERP with a good therapist. A father doesnt just become evil for a few moments and then go back to his true beliefs, and this is reassurance which I dont want to encourage. You cant think you way out of these things, I know as I had a similar issue, it was torture for 3 years,but with ERP I gradually stopped taking my fears seriously. But that was the only thing that helped, trust me trying to be certain about memories will keep you running in circles, get help with it, its the best way to see your fears for what they are.

After talking with my dad about it I realized something. I had thoughts that I wanted to wipe to touch her there again and every other thought the same. I wiped her again which made me believe I acted on those thoughts with that kind of intention. It’s my fault really for not arguing with my thoughts and just letting them run their course. They told me to keep wiping her and i did. That doesn’t mean that I had those intentions. I allowed myself to believe what I was thinking was real and I know it was wrong to wipe again or maybe I didnt because of how clouded I allowed my mind to get from these thoughts progressing. but I did anyways like a dumbass. How can you making wiping your baby evil when you yourself aren’t? I think it’s virtually impossible to make wiping a child evil at all because regardless of what you’re thinking or what’s going through your head that doesn’t make the act of wiping evil. It’s the simple fact that I wiped her again after and during these thoughts that made me feel I committed them. I’m an idiot for believing these lies. I know I need help and always have known. The fact I even allowed my mind to convince me that I liked it or wanted it disgusts me on such a level and sends me into anxiety. Because I had thoughts in that moment such as “I like it” or “it probably feels good to her” and I convinced myself that that’s who I am and thats what I believe when there’s no way in hell that would ever transpire today. Nor the days before that particular event. I’ve went back and forth on it for so damn long that I began to believe it was true. I feel like a dumbass. After that event I became overwrought with guilt and shame. I know who I am and that’s not what ive ever believed in or wanted for anyone. Im sure my OCD will convince me otherwise after this big revelation but i didn’t even know about OCD even being a possibility when that event happened. My wife is the one who found NOCD because of that particular event. I constantly would talk to her “what if this happened” “what if in the moment I actually did like it” what if this and what if that? It always changed and changes. But this is my fault. I shouldn’t have listened to the lies in my head. The big argument I make is did she even need wiped again? Was there still poop in that area my thoughts targeted? I’ll never know this is true but even if she didn’t need wiped again, that doesn’t make it evil because my thoughts said so. I can’t believe I was so mentally weak. I hate how long it took to come to this reality. I didn’t want to blame “I have a condition” because it felt wrong. I felt like I was placing blame and trying to get away with something. When I know me I’m not much of a liar. I told my wife my mom my dad about the event and question whether I told the truth or not every day. I’m such an idiot. They told me to let go but I couldn’t because I always felt it was more than it was. I kick myself every day for erasing my own memory cuz if I didn’t I might know the truth today. But you’re right no one becomes evil for a second then goes to being good. Right after that event I was a much better dad but I think that was mostly out of guilt from feeling like I failed her or harmed her. then I wonder what if I just wanted to try it in the moment to see if I liked it? But then again if that’s true it’s still just my thoughts making me think I want to when I don’t. It’s just wiping for god sakes! You can’t make that a bad thing because your mind may be having evil things but the act of wiping isn’t evil. I’m an idiot I swear for believing in this load of crap my mind has been feeding. I know who I am and I know who I’ve always been. Wow. I’m stunned at my stupidity. My mom is getting me more help too so that’ll be very helpful on my road to moving on from that event. I have to. For my family and especially for my kids.

Yeah thats the truth but remember ocd will always find a way to make you question yourself thats why you need to learn the tools to combate it. Logic isnt really the way to treat this illness as I say. To get help you need to check if the therapist specialises in ocd and treats it with CBT most importantly combining it with ERP. The treatment is paradoxical, but I've had ocd for 45 years and this is the only way it works for me and so many others. Meds are fine as a help but erp done right will give you back your life. Remember many others are going through the same thing. None of us are alone.

Do you feel better?