Can someone PLEASE PLEASE help me make sense of my POCD rumination spiral or help give me encouragement ? This theme is making life very difficult . Basically I constantly have thoughts as to not stare at people inappropriately, and this includes adults , but mainly children . I don’t think I’m ACTUALLY staring creepily but it’s a back and forth with OCD . It primarily targets my little sister . It’s like “oh you looked here or there “ all the time . So I avoid being around her . Sometimes I feel like I actually do accidentally be creepy . I’ve had three panicked attacks where I’ve glanced at her and then a computer screen back and forth for a few seconds . Like sometimes it’s her chest , or her groin and stomach . It’s not intentional , its just whatever’s on my eye level and what’s close to my face . But OCD keeps torturing me about it . I’m planning on accepting the uncertainty that I might be a traumatizing creep , and to just move on and live life . However I need encouragement from someone or some suggestions . I just generally seem to glance at people a bit more than usual , but no ones taken any notice . UGH. I need help

Im 16 years old and female and up until very late last year and this year I’ve been having thought almost every day that I’m a pedophile or that I’m sexually attracted to or want a romantic relationship with child. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t want judgment because I’m genuinely so scared and disgusted, but anytime I’m around children I feel my chest tighten, my body feels warm and it feels like I don’t know how to breathe. I sometimes get a groomer response but even then I don’t know if it’s a ground response or not. Also I tend to stare at children when I’m anywhere near them, I feel like if I don’t I’m a weirdo and if I don’t look at them it means I’m attracted to them which I guess could be POCD but I feel like I stare at them inappropriately. Not too long ago maybe three weeks ago I went to the park with my family and there were two girls in their swim suits and I was looking at their backsides and I felt really anxious and scared like I usually do but I felt so upset by looking at them that way and now I’m scared to go to pools or splash pads because every time I do I feel like I stare at them gross and I just feel so disgusted with myself. When I tell myself not to look I end up looking and then I stare. I feel better when I’m not around them but even then, I look back at what I saw earlier that day and I feel anxious again and then I look up what’s been happening and then I feel more worried it’s not OCD. My friends who have OCD say I might have it but I can’t get a therapist, I can’t talk to anyone I’m scared I’ll be put in jail and that I’m not a good person. I’ve never head thoughts like this until this year and near the end of last year and they come now? I don’t know what to do.

I've never shared anything on here before but I read a lot and I will say I am thankful for this community. I have had OCD my whole life. When I was a child I remember having thoughts in my head that made me uncomfortable, although I couldn't remember what they all were. I would neutralize them with a word. I would have nightly confessions to my mom. I do remember a very specific intrusive thought about God that made me panic and I remember exactly where I was. I would wash my hands until they bled to "prevent" something bad from happening. I developed sexual Instrusive thoughts of my brother being romantically interested in me and it scared me so much, I always fought with him for the imagined fear that played in my mind. I have a bit of harm OCD and my biggest nemesis is POCD. I am in ERP therapy but my mind WILL not let me do what I need to work on because I'm living in constant fear or what if this isn't just OCD. I cut out my compulsive prayer after a thought, but my big one is mental checking. I have to gauge the perfect reaction to a thought to figure out I don't feel any way about it. My mind puts myself or children in situations to check how I feel and it's constant. I can't even call that intrusive anymore, it's an automatic compulsion. One "compulsion" I find interesting and wanted some insights on is when I see an adult on tv talking, I imagine them as a child. Not even sexually. Just how they might have acted as a child that led them to their characters personality. I also have trained my mind to think sexual relationships with adults are "dangerous" because they used to be kids. My mind will not stop ruminating, will not stop trying to show me proof of my obsession. I have dreamed of finding life since I was 9, I identify as a straight female, always interested in adult men. I've struggled with this theme since my early 20s and it started out so little, with just random words and images that I dismissed away with my compulsions but now it has spread and over taken my mind with excessive doubt.

this is a long post, so just skip to the bottom if you only want to see my question pocd has been one of my themes for about 15 yrs now. i used to be so scared i would hurt a kid or that i was sexually attracted to kids which was reinforced by groinals. i'm at the point now where i know without a doubt that i'm not sexually attracted to kids and will never hurt a kid, and i very rarely get groinals anymore however since i overcame that part of pocd, now my ocd has latched hard onto worrying other ppl will think i'm a p*. for example, yesterday i was carrying my paddleboard to the boat launch, and a grandpa and his granddaughter were walking near me. i purposefully wasn't looking in their direction, but then the guy commented on my paddleboard. the girl started talking to me too about how she also had a paddleboard and was telling me all about it and i responded enthusiastically to her comments, like "heck yea," and "that's awesome." the guy was still included in the conversation and i replied to him enthusiastically as well. when we got to the boat launch, i told them to have a good day and the guy said "yea you too" and my ocd was immediately like "he thought that interaction was so weird, he probably thinks you're a p*" when i got in the water, i purposefully made sure i was rowing in the opposite direction of them (which conveniently was the direction i planned on going anyway). occasionally i would glance back to see where they were to make sure he didn't think i was following them and my ocd was like "he knows you're staring at her bc he thinks you're a predator." so i made a show of looking behind me in the other direction to make it seem like i was just looking around. i tried to ground myself and focus on the water and my breathing and used my erp skills and within a few minutes they were completely off my mind i'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience with overcoming the main obsession just to have the ocd double down on a different part of the theme? how did you handle it? i know i'll be able to overcome this just like i overcame my previous compulsions, but rn i'm frustrated that i worked so hard and my ocd pretty much laughed and gave me the finger lol