one thing with hocd that really trips me up is the fact that i’ve always felt ‘predatory’ (or feared i SEEMED predatory) when getting changed with my friends. like i worry when they’re naked and stuff. and i think this was before hocd too (but idk for sure when hocd began for me). i get turned on by big boobs and i do admit that. but that’s not necessarily a sign of me being a different sexuality, which i’ve gathered after so much reassurance seeking. it’s just i feel uncomfortable getting changed with other women because of it. and that predatory feeling makes me worry i can’t be straight

thanks. i just wish i felt comfortable (it’d make life easier). but beyond that, i feel like this uncomfortableness could be a sign that i’m not straight (since i imagine straight women don’t fear being predatory) so my sexuality isn’t what i thought it was

@garden You're still very young and it's okay not to know what your sexuality is yet. Just take your time with these kind of things

@BigGip09 how are you doing btw?

@garden I'm doing okay. Not great, not terrible. Thanks for asking. Still ruminating

@BigGip09 i’m glad you’re doing okay but i’m sorry it’s still not great

@garden What's still not great? Your day? I'm sorry to hear that

@BigGip09 no no i meant that you said you’re not great but not terrible hahah. so i’m sorry you don’t feel great

@garden Oh, I understand. Just a lot of ruminating about sexual stuff in the past and the future. I never used to do this before but now I do. It's a mish mash of false memories and real event and that I could be exaggerating everything

@BigGip09 yeah no it’s sounds difficult having so much going on at once and being uncertain

@garden Yeah, I'm honestly hoping that my OCD has just exaggerated everything especially since there were times where I felt I didn't have anything to worry about. Do you get those moments?

@BigGip09 yup!! a week ago i felt so content with things and stuff but now i’m super uncertain again and questioning everything

@garden Jeez I guess that's another part of OCD. I confessed to my best friend today and she just told me that it's all in my head but then my OCD tried to remember something else trying to make it seem like it was really really terrible but I'm not trying to let it

@BigGip09 you’ve got this 💪 it’s like the confession and your friend saying it’s fine made you feel a bit better so your ocd had to dig even harder

I’ve had this!! Suddenly you feel like you were aroused even if you weren’t

I know a friend thats gone through this herself. Looking at butts even though she felt no arousal and felt like she was a sexual predator because of it. It's a mess. OCD really flares up over common things

@BigGip09 I find myself trying to remember and “make sure” as a compulsion but it gets worse and then I just start forming a false memory. I just need to try to move on with it and accept what I can readily remember.

@stop. I understand this. It sucks and I'm sorry to hear that. Ruminating however does get us nowhere.

@BigGip09 Yes you are right

@stop. I hope you've been getting better, buddy. I know we haven't talked much but I am rooting for you. You will be okay.

@BigGip09 Thank you! I am trying and I have therapy soon so hopefully it will help.

@stop. It definitely will! I'm glad you are able to get therapy. I'm proud of you. :)

Have you ever thought that even while you're turned on by large breasts, you sexually prefer whatever it is that you do? That doesn't sound wrong at all

@BigGip09 Well it’s only like sexual images of breasts, not like if I was walking down the street. And I want to think that, but I doubt and get afraid that I’m lying because I haven’t had an orgasm with my husband (tmi I’m so sorry)

@maybethistime You're honestly fine. Sexual feelings are different from general feelings. Please please don't use sex with your husband as a compulsion. It'll do more harm than good. That sounds like something you should take a break from. Something you oughta let your husband know about. Feet is something I find very arousing regardless of gender, but 99% of the time I *prefer* them on women since I'm definitely attracted to women. Is it a thing where you're confused on which gender you're attracted to? Or you know you like men but sexual themes on a women can be arousing for you?

@BigGip09 The second one. I have liked men and dreamt and wanted to with men since I was a kid but sexual themes on women are confusing

@maybethistime Ok, I'm the same way with women. What makes you confused about sexual themes with women?

@BigGip09 I just get aroused by erotic depictions of women. And I find in my own sex life I almost act as a sexual object toward men, and I find that to be arousing. So while I think it’s just like this internalized arousal of being a sexy woman, ocd is also present to make me doubt

@maybethistime Do you think it's fair to say your a sexual object to men in general or just your husband? Did you have these feelings towards erotic women before OCD?

@BigGip09 Men in general I think. And yes

@maybethistime We're you bothered by this arousal before having OCD?

@BigGip09 Nope. Not at all. It just kind of mirrored how I liked to be treated in bed and I always had crushes on men regardless

@maybethistime Well if you weren't bothered by this erotic attractions to women and you feel that it was always present and arousing in the sense of how you wanted to be around your husband sexually, then I don't see anything wrong with that at all. I think this is definitely just OCD trying to latch onto something that you aren't certain of.

@BigGip09 Yeah I know. I literally only think about sex with men etc but something is more erotic about a woman I feel. Which could be societal conditioning of a woman as the sex object and it’s kind of manifested itself in a lot of ways for me. But it worries me that maybe I would be super aroused by actually being with a woman and I would like it more than being with my husband. And I really do not want to be wrong and have misled my husband. I love him and want a good sex life with him

@maybethistime It meant nothing to me pre ocd but now it’s like a sign I’ve been missing and it means so much

@maybethistime Your OCD sounds a lot like someone else I know honestly. I think why you find it arousing is because you may feel that you can be just like the women that are depicted in an erotic perspective. You already said that you like to be sexy towards men which isn't a bad thing because you indeed like men. You have your husband and you love him. It sounds like you two are great for each other. Your OCD is causing you to ruminate on this particular thing. You can sit with the uncertainty and definitely use mindfulness to counter against it. You don't even sound bisexual to me to say the least. I think this is normal for men and women.

@BigGip09 I think ocd in general just loves to torture us. It’s stupid. I know it’s dumb when every night I have sex dreams about men and find myself attracted to men I meet. I don’t get it, it’s like my mind created it’s own problem. How long have you been suffering?

@maybethistime Yeah it can be pretty ridiculous. I've been suffering from this since the middle of 2020. It all started with my sexting in the past. Then it latched on to real event mistakes in the past and sometimes POCD. The majority of it is sexual ocd

@BigGip09 My OCD is even telling me I shouldn't be overly attracted to Women even though I've never had a problem with it before. It tells me I'm such a pervert or a Deviant for fantasising, masturbating, or having sexual dreams about women which I've had all three.

@BigGip09 I’m sorry, I know how devastating and exhausting it can all be. I hope we find ways to get better

@maybethistime It's okay. Thanks for your support. It means a lot. I hope I was able to help.

@BigGip09 You were very helpful! Have you gone through therapy?

@maybethistime Thanks so much! I haven't gone through therapy yet. If you want to talk further elsewhere we definitely can

@BigGip09 I don’t really have any social media sadly! I got rid of them all after college lol. But I’m on here a lot so chances are I’ll see any posts or updates!

@maybethistime I actually think that's very good! It's good to take your breaks with social media when you want to focus on other things. I'm completely okay with that! I'd love to get to know you more and help you out is all!

@BigGip09 Totally, same here!!

@maybethistime Awesome!! When did you start worrying about OCD?