Been struggling with SOOCD for over a year now and it's been debilitating for most of that time. I'm at a point where it's taken over my life so much that I no longer relate to the self I knew before ocd. I feel like its literally changed me. I used to have a sex drive and initiate with my partner all the time. Now, the mere thought of any kind of intimacy with him leaves me feeling I'm doing something terribly wrong. I dont want to be intimate with him. I usually feel only discomfort when I do. My main compulsion is avoiding intimacy. I know that erp would be to engage in intimacy despite the discomfort, but how do you actually do that when it just "feels" wrong and like you're a fraud the whole time? How is that kind of exposure considered okay? This mindfuck has all just made me lose my mind cause I proudly called myself a bi woman before dating my now partner and it wasn't until ocd set in 2 years into our relationship that just the thought of being bi has fueled the ocd that I'm gay and in denial. Ever since, I havent been able to approach intimacy comfortably at all. Also just never having a sense of community cause no one ever talks about being bi or pan with SOOCD. But... we exist people! Just wish I didnt feel so alone in it.

Wow. Are you me?? Lol. I'm sorry the struggle is real for you too. I feel so so similarly. I used to really quite enjoy intimacy in a fun and playful way with my boyfriend but as time went on I felt more opposed to it coffee anxiety. May I ask, do trauma or other mental health things play a part in your journey with ocd? I personally experience complex PTSD from my childhood and I worry sometimes trauma may be affected thing the way I perceive intimacy, but also .. it all just feels like a mess sometimes.

@hanny123 I have a lot of anxiety from a pretty trying relationship between my parents so, yes I think so

@maybethistime I can relate a lot. My parents relationship played a big part in my ptsd, among lots of other things they both did to me individually. However I do think trauma can affect our ability to be intimate with and connect to others. Might be worth looking into for you, as its helped me remove some of the pressures around intimacy in light of ocd triggering it so much.

@hanny123 I just feel like sex will never feel good for me and it depresses me. What if I’m only satisfied by women, despite wanting it to work with him

@maybethistime I understand that fear and tbh I have that fear as well. It's a fear that has plagued me for a while. But I think the important thing to remember with ocd is that stepping into uncertainty, as difficult as it is, is our best bet for managing and the best thing we can do for ourselves. At the end of the day if we want to be in a relationship, we get to make that choice and intimacy also can look a lot of different ways for different people. Maybe theres a type of intimacy that is more comfortable for you.

@hanny123 I just wish I could enjoy it, you know?? I want to soo badly. And I really get depressed at the idea of having sex with a woman. It just makes me so distressed, but it feels inevitable I would like that more

@maybethistime I totally understand. What are you currently doing to treat your ocd?

@hanny123 I’m on Prozac and in therapy. But my marriage is crumbling around me. I think that maybe I would like sex more with some anonymous guy bc there wouldn’t be as much pressure. I just wish I could have more confidence in my relationship and that I could be okay and find happiness being intimate with him

@maybethistime Gotcha. That's really hard. I was on prozac once too and found it actually intensified my obsessions and depressions. Sometimes drugs can do that. If there able to I would suggest seeing if theres some sort of ocd therapy you could try. I've been working on my ocd for a long time but only this week have scheduled something with nocd to try it out. I think sometimes there comes a point where the ocd is so unbearable it's worth at least a try. I've heard from a lot of people that once they start working with a therapist on ocd, it makes a huge difference in quality of life and ability to enjoy things, intimacy included.

@hanny123 I know, but my fear is what if I get better and intimacy isn’t better? It turns out I do want and prefer sex with women. That terrifies me

@maybethistime Right but you see that is the fear that we all have with SOOCD. It's an uncertainty and only by leaning into that uncertainty can we move forward in life. Otherwise we just stay stuck afraid of the same thing forever not doing anything about it. I know it's hard but I think that is often the fear with erp. It's worth a try even if just to improve our daily life. I know it feels different but it's the same for all other ocd themes. Harm ocd sufferers fear that if they do erp they will realize they actually do want to harm people. Pocd sufferers fear that if they do erp they will find they actually do want their fear. It's like a catch 22 almost with this disorder, in order to heal from it we have to be okay with not healing from it and its really scary. Sending lots of hope to you bc you can do it! We are strong

@hanny123 Have you been able to find any joy in intimacy with healing?

@maybethistime It's been a long and slow road and I've had to do a lot of self acceptance to just own myself where I am in the moment, but I have been able over time to find moments where intimacy can feel more natural and good like it used to for me, on my good days when I'm managing my ocd well. It's still hard for me most of the time though. I am part of a community of trauma survivors as well and I've learned from them that struggles with intimacy is not as uncommon as society wants us to believe. I know lots of other women with rocd/soocd who struggle with intimacy a lot as well and for them, it's been a long road of working at it slowly and removing these huge black and white expectations society puts on us to be a certain way. If you'd ever want to chat about any of this, I'm happy to. Not sure if you can chat privately on here but if you'd want to message or something, I'm happy to :) we dont have to feel like we are isolated. OCD makes it easy to feel so alone but we arent I promise

@hanny123 Ugh I just need to find a way to be okay with it too. It just makes me feel broken even though I know it’s common. Ocd does love to isolate us