If i don’t get better soon i don’t know how much longer i can last. This battle in my mind is draining me. I can’t keep doing it for much longer.

I hate reality. I escape into books because i can’t have ANYTHING i want. What I truly want, i feel like i can’t have and wont enjoy. Then what i don’t want, i feel like i would enjoy but i dont want to. I dont want to do it. And im so scared i do and am lying to myself and will be happy doing it. But i dont want to. Then what i do want my mind and brain has completely distorted. It makes me think its gross and horrible and i hate it. I hate it i hate it and i can’t handle it anymore. I can never have the life i want cause it’ll feel like a lie cause of fucking hocd

And i know it will crush people. I know it will. But i can’t keep being at war with myself. Its exhausting. Cause nothing i do makes me feel better. Anything to ease my mind.

Im not gonna do anything rn if you’re worried, im just crying and breaking down rn, but im safe.

@hate_ocd.123 As long as you tell yourself you will never have the things or life that you want, you never will. Yes ocd is a huge factor in terms of losing interest on certain things because you’re too busy thinking that you really wanna do something heinous. But YOU are still in control. You still have the capability of thinking negatively and and giving in to these thoughts by not living your life to the fullest. I understand what you are feeling though, I’m on this app too. But with time, that scary image or voice or thought you will ever come across will fade. That’s how it works. Ocd is a bully, you have to ignore it.

@bubbless Thank you for letting me know you’re safe. Hun, your time, your moment will come. Things will get better when you start thinking they will. It’s a tough pill to swallow but if it’s to ease your pain, you have to take it.

@bubbless I thought they would and i started getting better, then recently i just fell off the rails again. I feel like i’ll never find my attraction to boys again. Suddenly the thought of kissing one feels genuinely gross and i can’t like about it, and i hate it. I want guys, but its like my body and mind doesnt. Even though i do. And then with girls, i dont want to do anything with them. i get turned on by lesbian porn (tmi, i dont watch it, it’s for checking) but i would never want to do that in real life. I dont want to be attracted to girls, it makes me uncomfortable. I dont want to be with a woman but i feel like im lying to myself. Im scared ill be happy with a woman and not a man. Than hocd makes me feel like a horrible person cause im so supportive of lgbt and know that nothing is wrong with it. Love is love. But the thought of being with a women saddens me, and not with a man. But then i feel like a horrible person. I want men but i feel like im disgusted by the thought of kissing a guy and i hate it. I feel like im a lesbian in denial and i hate it. I don’t think this is what realizing your sexuality is suppose to feel like. My friends who are bi and gay explain how it felt like a weight off their shoulders. My mind is trying to adapt these feelings and i hate it. Nothing feels like me anymore. I was attracted to boys since i was a kid and only had crushes on boys then this hit. Still have never liked a girl, scared i do. Im just so terrified i’ll never be undisgusted by men again. And that i’ll be happy with a women. Theres nothing wrong with it, i just dont want to be with a woman. I dont. Ugh i can’t keep doing this anymore. Im trying i really am but idk what to do its the same cycle

@hate_ocd.123 And im not attracted to girls if it sounded like it, i dont want to kiss one or hold one or any of that stuff. The thought of wanting to makes me cry (im literally crying rn)

@hate_ocd.123 You are going to have good days, and bad days. You are going to go through the same cycles. You have to realize that you have your whole life to figure yourself out. I’ve been with my guy for a year and a half and I still don’t know if I should be with a woman instead. And even though I came to terms with my sexuality a long time ago, I always think that I should just end it because I simply don’t know what will become of my current relationship. I had to tell myself that these cycles will NEVER STOP, unless I prove to myself that I am as strong as I think I am. You cannot let these thoughts control you.

@bubbless Are you straight??

@hate_ocd.123 I’m bisexual, but I know that I will never be with a woman romantically. All of my crushes have been men.

@bubbless Did you feel how i do?? I’m trying to figure out my sexuality and if i’m attracted to woman. I dont want to be with a woman. The thought of being with a women physically makes me uncomfy and i just can’t see myself doing it. And romantically feels weird as well. I can’t see it either, it gives me anxiety.

@bubbless Im sorry if im intruding at all

@hate_ocd.123 Well for me, my sexuality became a lot more enhanced when I started getting thoughts about it. “You wanna leave your bf for a woman” “you won’t move on with your life if you’ve never been with a woman at least once” “you should’ve experimented before dating him” (he’s my first relationship). I fell in love with him two years before we started dating, we were very close friends beforehand so dating was a pretty smooth process. Anyway, a way I kind of calm myself is by repeating “maybe I do, maybe I don’t” “there’s a reason why you didn’t date anyone else before him” “you didn’t need to date certain people in order to picture what the relationship would be like”

@bubbless I’ve fallen in love with a guy as well, and he stopped the thoughts. He actually became a constant reassurance. It was really hard on me and i relied on him so much i became mentally abusive and times and was very jealous. We were never official but always something on and off for about two years, then kinda for another. We broke each other. but i just got him out of my life. He fell in love with another girl so i let him go. I still care for him and would drop everything for him, but i just want him to be happy. Even when i was with him, he was the one thing in my life i was sure about. And since that was robbed from me once again, i just spiraled. Sooooo yeah....im a lot more calm now i was just having a really bad panic attack. Shaking, crying, freaking out. Think i’d label it as a panic attack, scared i faked it though Man ocd can get into everything🤣 oh whale

@bubbless Thank you for talking it helped calm my nerves a lot. I get very impulsive and anxious when im scared and going through those episodes. They’re the worse. I hate ocd with a passion

@hate_ocd.123 Sorry hun, I fell asleep. But I’m glad you were able to calm your nerves. I understand how difficult this can be. But I promise, and I know this is very overused, but things will get better, and you will be okay.