Im scared i did things in my childhood that weren’t normal and were signs of bisexuality. But yet i chased around boys and had crushes on boys like every year and called them cute and kissed them. I never remember once liking a girl. I remember wanting to be friends with the “popular” girls because i wanted to be popular. In middle school id see girls getting hugs from the popular girls and i was like “okay i wanna get a hug from her and that’ll mean im popular” and i only looked at guys romantically though. People asked me if i was gay and i was like no. But that’s also the year this started. The guy i liked called me and my friend a lesbian, and i was like “what no i don’t like her” then i started freaking out that i did and people saw something i didn’t. So that obsession lasted for about a week. Then around three months roles around and it’s gone, and im watching one of my favorite guy youtubers and he comes out as gay and he said “there was a random voice in my head that said are you gay at twelve years old” and i went ape shit and thought “omg i have that voice am i gay” And here we are 6 years later still obsessing and yet it only took him two years to figure out but he still dated girls And i can’t even figure it out cause i want to be with guys and not girls But im scared im just saying i want to be with guys and not girls and i truly want the opposite It all just scares me And whenever i see two girls together i can’t see that being me Then i see a guy and a girl and it makes me sad cause i want that life but it feels like i dont The thought of not liking to kiss a boy also makes me incredibly sad and i hate that i feel disgusted at it And i don’t think i could ever bring myself to kiss a girl without crying and having a panic attack cause the anxiety is way to much But im scared one day i will kiss a girl and be happy and all of this will wash away and this makes me sad to Cause i want all of this gone i just dont want to end up a lesbian (nothings wrong with that) when i just dont desire it and want guys I just want things to go back to normal. Id been doing so good and not ruminating then i started worrying i was faking attractions to boys then got on birth control and here i am a month later. I hate this

Sexual Orientation OCD

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 4y

I’ve had all of these thoughts and still do. They may not ever go away, but how you react to them can change. I started having HOCD thoughts a little over a year ago and it lasted for about 5 months. I will add i am now on an antidepressant but it took awhile to find the right one, some even made it much much worse. I still have these thoughts almost everyday but the way I feel about their integrity has changed. Something specific that has helped me is telling myself that I don’t have to choose a label or orientation right now or ever. ERP can help too.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y

Thats something that calms my anxiety, not being forced to label myself. But i dont want women and im so terrified i do, and whenever i try to disregard my thoughts they go “you’re ignoring these because you know they’re true”

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 4y

@hate_ocd.123 Your brain is trying to trick you ♥️ for me, when I gave the thoughts less power over my emotions, I had the thoughts less and less. It’s so so hard because trying to think your way out of it is what got you here in the first place. I believe in you. I’m not an expert or qualified to give you advice by any means. Just speaking from my experience. I would try erp therapy if you haven’t.

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