Can you guys help me not ask for reassurance on this? Writing it out here usually helps me get the anxieties out without turning to my partner but I’m struggling with this one... Last night, me and my partner were hanging out and having a nice time. To be honest, we were both a bit under the influence ;) but anyway, he started massaging my arms and just dug in way too deep. It really hurt so I pulled away and said “ow, not so hard”. Then he did it again. I pulled away a second time and told him how much it hurt. He apologized and said he didn’t know why he pressed so hard and that he was sorry. It made me really anxious and I got scared that he was trying to physically hurt me. It was all I could think about for the rest of the night (but to be fair, weed does make me extremely anxious). Anyway, I brought it up again last night and this morning. He apologized both times and rubbed my arms nicely instead. However, I’m still thinking about it. Now I’m trying to replay the whole scenario in great detail to figure out if it was malicious. But of course, everything is super fuzzy so I can’t remember clearly. I’m trying not to bring it up a fourth time but am still struggling with it. Thanks everyone

Relationship OCD

RedHusky

Date posted: 4y

I think fear and shame is fueling that, you’re afraid to ask again because you are afraid to look obsessed. But it’s just thoughts. It fuels more of the thoughts by being scared. They don’t have to mean anything. If your bf cares for you he won’t see you as a burden and you can be open about how you feel.

RedHusky

Date posted: 4y

And also remember in ROCD asking for reassurance is part of the compulsions. Like if you asked him 3 times how he felt and he told you, and the thoughts still arise, remember seeking reassurance is the compulsion. You can say to those thoughts of distrust .. heh, maybe he’s lying maybe not. Ok thoughts. Whatever. I’m gonna choose to trust him anyway and go abojt my day. Maybe I’m anxious right now. Cool. But whatever. Maybe he’s the one maybe not. Great have a good day thoughts you can hang out here but I’m busy gonna make myself lunch and do my work

Stuckinmyhead

Date posted: 4y

@RedHusky Right- that’s exactly what I’m struggling with. I feel like I’ve already asked or brought it up enough times to seek reassurance that he wasn’t purposely trying to hurt me or threaten me in any way. But now the thoughts are still coming up and if I keep asking, I’ll keep feeding into it. Haha I definitely don’t have any shame in asking him again- he knows this is how my brain works and is used to it! But I’m trying desperately to improve my anxiety and OCD which is why I don’t want to keep asking about this. Thanks for all your thoughtful replies

RedHusky

Date posted: 4y

@rewilding Ooh ok! Yea just like any compulsion you gotta treat it as such. Don’t give those bullies attention or act scared of em :)

RedHusky

Date posted: 4y

Communicate with him. Ask him about it instead of worrying and keeping it to yourself. A relationship should be open like that and safe. If it’s not it’s not good. No use trying to figure out what he’s thinking it’ll only give you stress for nothing. Definitely just say hey I’m feeling anxious about you massaging my arms, what were you thinking when that happened? Open ended and non judgmental.

Stuckinmyhead

Date posted: 4y

Thanks, I appreciate that. I did ask him last night why he pressed so hard and he said he wasn’t sure and he didn’t mean to hurt me, and that he was sorry. But the anxiety in me is wanting to dig deeper into it and isn’t satisfied with that answer. Since I’ve already brought it up a few times, if I ask any more, it becomes obsessive (if it hasn’t already)

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