TW there’s a girl i don’t like very much. but i know it’s only because i envy her so it’s not a very valid reason and i feel ashamed for it. she’s a big personality, very caring and stuff but also like a ‘queen bee’. anyway, i just asked myself if i’d care if she died and honestly it felt like i wouldn’t which makes me feel so terrible and anxious. like what the hell. i know it’s silly since i’d care if anyone died, but i feel like i should feel more distraught at that thought. if i think of any family members dying or friends etc, i feel very upset. but with her i just don’t. and i’m worry this means something terrible... like i’m so insecure that it’s affecting my empathy towards her (or people i envy in general) :(

thank you. i guess me and her have never been super close but in times that we have, it’s been nice. she sort of scares me (she’s a bit judgy) but i do know she can be so nice and caring. if i interacted with that nice, mellow side of her more, i think we would be closer. but on the whole it’s just scary and i hate envy so much.

@garden It's good that you at least don't want to feel envy toward her. You at least have hope that you want to be closer to her to understand her, and not try to hurt her. That's really good

@BigGip09 yeah i’ve felt this way for a while. i despise my envy and don’t wanna hurt anyone because of it. i just don’t know how to get rid of it

@BigGip09 idk when i was like 12-15 my envy often got the best of me and i was super bitchy

@garden Maybe you can just let these feelings be free and don't fight them. They matter, just like you do. Follow what you want to do with this person and see where it gets you. See how trying to be nice to them makes you feel if anything

@garden Please try to refrain from judging your past self. You were only a kid at that time.

@BigGip09 i’m glad that i sort of was just a kid because it justifies it a little bit but idk. i feel like i was so insecure and it made me be nasty at times. my biggest ocd fear is narcissism so that doesn’t help. but anyways i guess i just have to be more present. i’m glad i hardly take my feelings out on people anymore.

@garden Yeah it's good that you don't do that. Trust me, there are way worse people out there compared to us. People that actually don't care. People that shamelessly admit to being horrible to others. I just did really intense impromptu ERP with a video I just saw on YouTube showing how awful this YouTuber was. He is a huge threat against human beings and someone that cannot be near the internet or people. Jail is good for people that don't care for others. Worrying about being a narcissist is kind of a blessing in disguise. Narcissists I would say, don't care about other people either. But you seem like a wonderful person who definitely does. All this worrying you do about OTHERS and not only yourself proves that. You care for others the same way you care for yourself. I really hope this helps.

@BigGip09 thanks so much it does help. it’s so ironic to worry about being a narcissist when narcissists wouldn’t worry about that. i guess it’s just difficult when i find proof? like envy, insecurity etc

@garden Proof when it comes to OCD I feel is subjective because it tried to convince you of two separate things meaning one thing even if they didn't in the past. It's complicated

@BigGip09 yeah so complicated ://