Dammit dammit dammit. Pedophelia is wrong and gross. I know that. I’ve always known that. But why does it feel like I’m starting to like the idea of it. I just want to go back to how I used to be. I know I was happy like that. Now I just feel like a creeper and gross and like a completely different person from who I was before. It also feels like who I was before has been completely overridden and is like “yeah no that person never existed. You’ve always felt like this.” It’s probably OCD taken almost complete control, and I know that. But it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it. I was so definitive before that pedophelia was messed up and people who like that were monsters, and if I truly knew that I wouldn’t be questioning myself right now. I know that’s what OCD does. None of this probably makes sense. And it probably is one giant OCD rambling.

I wish I had that confidence. Because it sure as hell feels like it’s too late and that person who I used to be is just gone forever

@ArtNinjaGirl It's true that the person you used to be is gone forever, but I seem to like the current "you" just fine. I also look forward to the future "you" ☺.

@Ben84 But I don’t want it to be gone forever. I want it to come back. I know it’s impossible but

@ArtNinjaGirl You probably need to go through the grieving process. Just like losing someone, it really hurts at first but gets better with time though the process never fully ends.

@Ben84 Maybe. Chrissie Hodges said that too...someone in her comments said that the reason these feelings are prevailing and overriding is because I’m trying to push them away and stamp them down. So of course they’re going to get stronger...right?

@ArtNinjaGirl Yup. You've got it ☺.

@Ben84 And the reason why I’m worried I’m “entertaining” the thoughts is I’m really just checking my reaction...probably.

@ArtNinjaGirl "Probably" is the key word ☺. I don't know if this is helpful or not, but to borrow from Carl's cloud analogy: if you stare at a cloud long enough it can start to take shape and look like something, have meaning, when it's just a cloud ☺.

@Ben84 I wonder, if I can get past this, can I learn to love the things I loved before that were tainted by OCD?

@Ben84 Not meaning to ask for reassurance, just spitballing

@ArtNinjaGirl I recently posted that I performed my first magic trick for kindergarteners. Keep in mind I have POCD and was afraid of anything magical for years.

@Ben84 I’m feeling weird now. I remembered a comic that I used to read about these two characters who were going through adolescence and the girl had a crush on the boy. I remember thinking the comic was cute, but then I also remember that in the comic they both have wet dreams about each other. Nothing was ever explicitly shown, but the simple fact that that happened, and now I’m freaking out and feeling that I still like it and I liked it for that reason. I don’t think I did in the past, I just thought the comic itself told a cute little story. I was doing okay until I remembered that. I wasn’t specifically looking to remember that. It just kinda popped in there

@ArtNinjaGirl Sorry I didn’t mean for that to be reassurance seeking...I just had to get it out.

@ArtNinjaGirl Nobody’s past selves will be preserved. This goes for people with and without OCD. We will always be changed by our experiences, it’s part of being human, but just know the person you’ll be once you’re out of this deep end will be the best you yet

@ArtNinjaGirl Maybe it means something, maybe it doesn't. How would you ever figure it out ☺?

Huh...I never thought of it that way.