TW / TMI i feel really ashamed and scared about the kind of porn i watch. it’s often step dad stuff. i am in no way attracted to my dad or anyone in my family, i think i just watch these videos for the taboo. but i always feel so disgusted about myself and i’m worried i subconsciously want it which makes me anxious. i know i don’t but it’s still hard. i also have the fear of ever being inlove with my brothers which terrifies me and grosses me out to even think

Sorry if this is a bit of an odd post, but I’m wondering if there are any girls out there that have specifically struggled with shame around watching porn? A lot of my real-event ocd stems from watching that kind of content in the past, and for some reason it feels particularly taboo as a woman. As a young teen, I saw some genuinely disturbing things, and I think a lot of that was to do with having unrestricted access to the internet. However, despite lots of people telling me “that’s normal teen curiosity” it just never feels like it applies to me, and that I’m genuinely just a sexual deviant. I think because that kind of content is so graphic and overstimulating it’s really stuck in my brain, and I just wish I could turn back the clock and switch off the computer. I’ve recently been struggling with doing typical ‘girly’ stuff because I feel tainted and gross, and I just want to get back to feeling myself again.

**TMI Warning: This post is very personal and might be uncomfortable for some.** I’m feeling panicked and need to get this out. I have intrusive thoughts that make me question my morals, especially about consent. I have a CNC preference (consent to non-consent), but I feel so conflicted because I know how horrifying and heartbreaking real non-consensual acts are. The thought of anyone suffering in that way is so awful, yet I get thoughts that feel like I’m justifying the real thing—the immoral thing. Sometimes, I feel like I have to focus hard just to truly condemn it, and that terrifies me. It’s hard to separate these thoughts from who I am, and I’m scared it means something terrible about me. I feel so much shame for having a CNC preference. I know it’s rooted in consent, but I feel like I’ve never had certainty that I fully condemn the real thing. I’m scared that deep down, I might think it’s all the same.

I feel like a really terrible person right now, I keep replaying this, and no matter what I can’t remember what happened, it’s like my brain is purposely not letting me think about it. Without wasting any more time, I’ll get into it. Basically, I was at Walmart, and looking at cards with My Dad, I saw anime ones, took pictures of them for my sister, even ones that were anime kids, because I did my best to ignore it, so I looked at a Hunter x Hunter card, I stared at the black haired kid, being all like “ I’m glad I’m not having any thoughts about this, I’m glad I’m having normal thoughts and not thinking anything” I felt happy, then as soon as I looked at killua (white haired kid), everything collapsed. I don’t know what happened, my brain won’t let me remember. But I’ll give bits and pieces. I think that I had false attraction, and something in my head, said “oh, I wouldn’t mind being attracted.” “He is attractive, and I’m attracted to him.” “I remember a girl thinking he is attractive and he is” “ It’s not wrong to be attracted” “ I don’t care about his age” .. something along the lines of that, and now I’m panicking super hard, because I’m worried if I said those things, I feel like I ruined my life that I’m a pe//do and deserve nothing, idk what to do, I feel terrible… I remember when I was having the intrusive thoughts, I was panicking and was worrying, but it kept playing out, and I kept hearing things talk, it was drawn out too long, that now I feel convinced that I was saying those things, I tested it too, and I can confirm that I didn’t say that, but why am I still not convinced? I know I wouldn’t say those things, I was hoping the complete opposite would happen. My brain kept making me feel like it wasn’t wrong and it was okay. Maybe that’s why I’m so convinced I did that. I’m just spiraling super bad right now, I don’t know what to do or what to think, I don’t know if I said that or not… even if I did test it, I genuinely just feel like I said it, and I wanted it, because I still feel uncertain, I still feel like I said it, part of me just wants to be like oh I did and so I can move on, not because I agree with it, I just don’t know what else to do… I’m really scared.