my soocd fears are slowly shifting into “what if i’m homophobic?” or “what if soocd was just coined by someone religious who just didn’t want to be a different orientation” feeling sick to my stomach

I’ve had those before too:( I’m super accepting and all about love and being someone who has their arms wide open, and I’m also very religious and believe god loves everyone and created them to be who they are However the difference between being homophobic and being scared your gay is: Homophobia is being scared OF gay people. Going out of your way to say rude comments or vocalizing that you dont support them or you condemn them. Being scared of being gay is you do not care about the social part and you can be the most supportive person in the world. What you care about is yourself being involved in the actions (scared of dating someone of the same sex because you dont want to, scared you like the thoughts, scared you’re repressing, etc) and you fear it because 1) you don’t want that, and sometimes you may even feel like you do and are scared you do but you dont. (Im not going to say that isn’t you, because i know at times it feels like it is and you hate feeling that way and saying that adds flames to the fire) Hocd isn’t derived from homophobia. It’s derived from an attack on our identity and being terrified that it is actually us. I’ve heard of gay people being scared, but they weren’t scared to have the thoughts (They enjoyed the thoughts! And we’re scared we enjoy them!), they wanted that lifestyle. They feared the social aspects. We fear the whole idea of being gay, because it doesn’t align with who we are and who we grew up being. I grew up being straight, loving guys, always shipping guy with girls, was super girly, had crushes on boys and chased them on the playground. Never with girls. Then bam, i turned 13 and after this one thing that happened i’ve continued obssessing on and off for 5 years. It’s completely different and i worried so much it had something to do with homophobia, but it doesn’t. I could give two shits less if someone were gay and most of my gay friends came out to me first cause I was so supportive, so it didn’t make sense if i was homophobic....get what i mean? I grew up around gay people, they surrounded me. I didn’t care, didnt even think about it. Then ocd latched onto one thing and now all i can think about is how “i dont want to be with a woman i want to be with a guy. There’s nothing wrong being with a woman, i just dont want that” (even if my brain at times makes me feel like i do and i hate it because ya know ocd) Hocd is an attack on our identity and who we are. And i know this won’t help, cause i still have these thoughts. The best thing to do is sit with them, even though im not one to talk cause im always obsessing lol! But we got this....even if it feels real anf i feel like a lesbian and like i find men gross (like every other person with hocd) that’s not what i want or how i want to feel. I dont want to desire girls and i want to desire guys, and even as i said that my mind went “your lying. Excuses. Stop lying. That’s not what you want.” Ocd is a monster, but i hope this helps clear up some things.