The past is all I have left of myself.

Appreciate it g

Are you safe??? Here if you need to vent. I know that feeling all too well. Both about the past and not wanting to live but understand that it's a disorder and you will survive.

@Jbm421 I think my fears have come true and that I’ve changed sexualities to bi or gay or something. With that knowledge no I don’t want to live... I’m not sure that it’s just ocd anymore I think it may be both.. I thought the fear was supposed to be irrational and we weren’t supposed to change

@BRoyTheNatural I cannot tell you how many times I've thought the exact same thing. OCD is the doubting disease and so its creating doubt. It's a bluff. I've dealt with this long enough (though I've only recently sought treatment) to see how many time (including today) where I felt like "oh shit! It's over. It feels like I turned. It's all gonna come true now. I'll never be happy." But we get past those moments. Those moments do not define us.

Amen. Couldn't have said it better.

I just don’t understand how I could want something I was so opposed to my whole life I get that it’s totally okay to be gay but the thought of me being it, having changed, is too much to bear

@BRoyTheNatural OCD makes you feel like you want it. When my OCD was at its peak it forsure made me feel like I wanted to do sexual things with a man. I literally had strong urges that I wanted to do it so bad. It was rough. I thought to myself “how could this be OCD, if it feels like I want it so bad”. You HAVE TO STAY STRONG. It’s hard, I know it. We have our good and bad days with ocd. But trust me, it’s your OCD having you convinced. I was the SAME way, I thought the SAME thing. I felt like everyone else here had OCD and I’m just someone who didn’t want to accept my sexuality.

@NoRuminations I appreciate you saying that but I just don’t see a way forward unfortunately, I’ll likely never be me again

@BRoyTheNatural Not sure what you mean by you will never be you again. That is as false as the hocd you are dealing with. What is wrong rite now ? This second. What is life throwing at you that you cannot accept? Nothing. The present moment is peaceful. Sit in it. Stop trying to solve your problem that are made up in your imagination. You’re doing to yourself so stop.

I know that but there’s nothing else I can do