I often find it triggering to look at old photos of myself because instantly I think of how I look gay, how I was just struggling with my sexuality even then and “knew I was”, etc. This is mainly due to the fact I have never been super girly (don’t do my nails or wear makeup) or cared how I looked until later when I got my first boyfriend. Would it be a good exposure practice? To look at these photos? I had urges to delete them because I hated how I looked.. but decided that wouldn’t be a good idea.

Right! Always kind of have been, still don’t do my nails or wear jewelry and quite honestly it’s made me WANT to start doing it to not look like a lesbian. So I am actually not doing any of it so I can hopefully expose myself to the fear of not caring to look a certain way.

@Corie Same here. I paint my nails now even if I’m uncomfortable

@maybethistime I feel so bad too because this is all so stereotypical lol

@Corie It’s definitely OCD. I mean logically, I understand there is no gay or straight painting nails or dressing or anything. But this bothers me significantly less than other triggers I have

@maybethistime The caring how I look is a bigger trigger for me, but I do have other big ones that are based off my past looking at woman/wanting to look like them or whatever and it coming back to me always having been attracted to woman and always been gay/knowing it. Although, triggers are based off each individual and its unique to our own experience!

@Corie Yeah definitely. I am very bothered by not always liking kissing and super bothered by not being aroused by men. I am also really really bothered by my history of arousal, which honestly I think makes me sound in denia

@maybethistime Ive been bothered by these too as well as not crushing over all the boys or not liking those back who liked me. You are not alone.

@Corie Thank you. It really feels like shit though. I hate how ocd warps everything

@maybethistime That’s what it is, if it didn’t we wouldn’t suffer or have ocd!

@Corie I know. But some things feel too concrete to even be warped, you know? Like being turned on by erotic images of women, sounds really suspect for someone claiming to like men without liking abs? So how could that even be warped, you know?

@maybethistime I know exactly what you mean

@Corie Don’t you ever feel like a fraud? Ugh I hate it.

@maybethistime All the time!

@Corie I just don’t know how to let this go! I’m married and I cannot stand feeling this way. My sex life is nonexistent at this point

@maybethistime Try not to force it away, we tend to put so much focus on how we are feeling that it gets in the way of our life! (I do this all the time) I have a boyfriend of nearly 2 years and we are long distance, I constantly feel like I’m lying, a fraud, it’s wrong, etc. I look back to how I used to be so happy and confident in myself and who I am, but all that does it take away from now! We can still have happy moments in a day filled with anxiety and ocd

@Corie You’re so right. I just wish I could be with him without fear. I feel his muscles and freak out, like I’m not feeling what I should be feeling. Even though we’re just watching tv, like why would I even be aroused then

@maybethistime Most likely we are searching for arousal and attraction when we are with our partners. The more we search and constantly look for it, the less likely we will have the desired outcome. Trust me I hate how real it feels and how much it says I’ve always felt this way and know it, but it’s best to not ruminate, argue, review, etc. just go along with our day and try to accept the uncertainties with it. No matter how wrong it feels and like we are lying to everyone and ourself. We also have to stop checking for arousal and certain feelings when we are with our partners as it is just feeding the cycle.