This is just a rant :) I've realized I don't freaking know anything about attraction. Like how do I know if I have an attraction to someone? For me a big role comes in face value of the person. I am pretty picky with boys and I've always been comfortable with that idea because I promise you guys there are VERY FEW handsome men in my town (even my straight women/gay friends agree). Even my straight friends are more picky about men than me 😂. But, I'm also VERY insecure and I find a lot of women pretty/attractive (like even if you aren't that pretty, you would be "normal" for me because I don't care about women too much). Probably the biggest thing that contributed to my high standards with boys is the fact that I read and watch too many novels/series/kpop where there are tons of too good to be true boys in it (but also had crushes on boys who are not that particularly handsome, and i was fine with that). I've also only experienced the giddy feeling over boys, and I would fantasize about them every single night to help me sleep. I have always been at peace with my sexuality being heterosexual because I was happy with that. I didn't wanna rush into a relationship with a boy because I knew I can't find a nice man within my area so I was waiting until I go to college this year, but this stupid pandemic and HOCD happened. My friends and I always like to go outside and look for handsome men whenever there are functions and events, we never looked for "pretty" girls. Since this HOCD started, I kind of had a compulsion to look at other women and to test if I find them somehow pretty/attractive, and surprise surprise they were all "okay" or even pretty for me. Some even had nice clothes that I would like to wear (probably if it was 2 months ago, I would just be insecure about myself if I did find them attractive). Even when I was "straight", I didn't do that thing to boys because if I would find a boy attractive, then he is attractive. I don't have to test and compare them to other guys. I don't actually want to be with a girl because I am romantically and sexually attracted to men, but I keep having what-ifs. I did ERP pretty early on (this is my 2nd month of suffering) so I am not bothered by the thoughts anymore, making me think I'm just in denial. Everything that I do I would be so skeptical about my sexuality, if I find that man attractive then maybe I'm bi. If I don't find that man attractive, then maybe I'm bi. Like I don't even want to be bi, but I don't have the anxiety anymore. It feels like the anxiety was the only thing that was keeping me from becoming bisexual, and I don't want that. I don't even like boobs or vaginas 😭😭😭 It feels like I don't have a choice anymore because I'm not anxious 😭 It's also getting harder to fantasize about boys, it's very very upsetting. My attraction to boys somewhat came back, but it's not the same anymore. I'm super filled with doubts about my sexuality 😭

Sexual Orientation OCD

mary65

Date posted: 4y

I feel like this is all normal for someone with soocd, like the way I act around and feel about boys is definitely not the same and I now question every single attraction I feel regardless of gender. Am I looking at her bc I like her clothes? Or is it bc she gives bi vibes? Am I looking at her bc I’m actually attracted to her? Literally who tf knows. All I know is that I’ve been attracting to boys all my life and the only reason why I doubt if I am attracted to them nowadays is bc of ocd. Regarding women, I’ve always found them attracted but thought of anything beyond that. I’ve kind of just stopped analysing every single person I come across and adapted to a fuck it attitude. Whatever is meant to be, is meant to be and I will be happy regardless

kimhope

Date posted: 4y

I feel this too! Whether it's the SOOCD or you are trying to figure out your sexuality both are okay. I suggest trying to address your SOOCD before really thinking about your sexuality. And I've heard that SOOCD can result in loss of attraction which might be why you dont feel attraction the way you used too. The important thing is to take a deep breath and know that you don't have to have answer to why you're feeling what you're feeling right now. Try not to think about the "what ifs" because that will just send you into a spiral. Saying "maybe I am, maybe I'm not" has often helped me when struggling with my OCD themes. It's not a permanent fix but it can help you live in the moment and not ruminate.

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