I feel so drained, I’ve been having sexually intrusive thoughts about my daughter. I keep telling myself what if I did this or that and it makes me think I did do something harmful towards her when I know I haven’t. Ugh I hate my ocd it’s always playing with my mind and makes me feel like a bad mom :(

My Ocd turns everything innocent and normal into something horrible. Sometimes when my daughter and I are watching tv she will want to play with and brush my hair. It feels so nice and relaxing or she will cuddle up and rub her feet on mine which is relaxing and makes me feel sleepy but ocd ruins it by telling me it’s inappropriate and that i’m enjoying something inappropriate. One day I saw a snapchat video my young grandson made of himself just out of the shower looking at himself shirtless in the mirror and I was thinking that he thinks he’s so cool and is probably going to flex like all boys do and laughed to myself but then the ocd kicked in and said that I was attracted to him and it made me so upset because I never have and don’t think of any child in that way. I don’t feel that way so how can ocd try to make me believe that I do?? How can ocd be more powerful than my own actual thoughts and feelings? This disorder is so debilitating and upsetting. I can’t live like this.

So I have this new thought that is “I have to do what my ocd is saying to do (which involves my kids)for these thoughts to go away”. Is this remotely normal for harm ocd? I feel so disgusting for even having this cross my mind. I feel like such a horrible mother. 😭

My OCD wants to keep switching “themes” on me, but once again it always concerns my mom or family. This time it’s sexual-related. The one I experience the most is the harm-related thoughts towards her, thinking I want to hurt her or thinking she abused me in the past (she did not) so that’s why I have these thoughts. My mind is always trying to see if there are deeper meanings to these thoughts and how I really feel. Yesterday my thoughts started going towards - “what if I’m attracted to my mom?” I was reading a book and it was a romantic scene and an image of my mom popped into my head. I tried to just dismiss it since I know we can’t control what comes into our heads, but I of course ruminated about it more and it has become a full-blown obsession. I have started wondering if I really am attracted to her or not, do I want to be in a relationship with her, am I just denying my feelings, etc. It sounds so disgusting and disturbing to share these things, but it’s difficult to disengage with this kind of thinking. Like it’s too disturbing to just let it go. Which leads to other worries like what if I can never be in a real relationship because I will just keep having these thoughts, what if this is true and how will I live with myself, what if my mom sexually abused me as a kid and that’s why I’m having these thoughts, etc. I know I’m going down the rabbit hole, but I just keep coming up with more and more “reasons.” Trying to go about my day and not pay them any attention, but it has been difficult to focus on anything else. Which then makes me wonder if I’m actually just fantasizing now and not actually obsessing.