This is a long one,but I need help. (Nsfw mention,triggers for pocd) I keep thinking about how I spiraled in a ocd server,mostly over obscene offensive jokes I used to make when I was 13-15 maybe 16-17 in some occasions. It started when I'd found a group chat gathering dust from 2017, and it was full of shock value images and people throwing hard rs and other slurs. I never said anything in the gc,and scrolled up all the way,but it triggered me to constantly think about it nonstop,and later on,to keep digging in my old social media. I spent the whole month of August digging through my old notifications,finding every obscene thing I could,and then spiraling about them and going to that server for reassurance. It did not help I couldn't see my replies but I could see others,so I lived in uncertainty of exactly what I said. I was at the point where I didn't think I deserved a good friends or life,and I told them I'd felt this way. I vented there constantly, and the thing I worry about in all this is how guilt trippy I came across whilst doing this. The reason I ruminate about this in particular, is because an old ex friend of mine had a habit of being guilt trippy in the way he constantly went "why do you guys care about me/I'm a bad person and the things I make suck/ etc. " I can't summarize it all too well,but I do remember how it felt at the time, and that me and my friends had to spend hours helping him,and that we lived in fear he would do something like hurting himself,because he would sometimes make statements that alluded to it. "I dont know where I'll be after tonight, etc." Theres a lot of terrible,terrible things he did that would take too long to go in depth on,but in summary it turned out he was a serial abuser and had several nsfw interactions with minors in their early teens.( We have tried to dig up sources to deal with that,btw, but we are still trying to figure out how because he's been trying to clean his tracks. My friend is dialing a few helplines they found that covers these things, so that helps.) I talked to another group of friends about him,and they said the worst type of manipulators were the self loathing ones,because just like he did they could use it as a shield for you not to say anything when they do a bad thing. This,obviously triggered something in me,as real event ocd made me feel that way,and that maybe I'd been doing the same thing. I spent this morning and last night scrolling through my messages in that server, and I'm resisting looking him up so I can compare our spirals,side to side,to see how similar I am to him. I'm also admittedly paranoid right back at the spot I started in,about the social media messages,because I found an account he was using and me and my friends decided to pose as someone just stumbling across his writing,I changed my name from the one I'd used ever since I was 13-15, and messaged him. He eventually gave a "I Know :) " message to me. This, of course,made me spiral that he knew it was me. And because it was for a minute my old user name, I ruminated that he would dig up something from my old social media to see if I posted something offensive and use it against me. He has seemed to stalk my social media before,and also has gotten a few friends to do it for him too. It made me angry to ruminate,because this dude wants me to be paranoid and to suffer, but I am. Ocd can't stop going "what if" with this fucking dude. I've always gone "what if I'm as bad as him because A b and c?" And this is just gasoline to that fire.

"Pure" OCD

Date posted: 4y

hello!! I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way and the OCD spiraling, I suggest to find help right away or talk to someone before you fall into a deeper hole. And to of course try not to ruminate or constantly look or complusiving think what happened, didn’t happen, did you or did you not, etc. I understand because similarly around that same age 12-15 I was online and had different interactions with folks. Sometimes I wonder if I acted tw://abusive towards my few online relationships or explicit messaging we did. I’ve made mistakes on there I clearly remember, and of course they were lessons for me to say: okay, I’m not going to do or handle it that way anymore or that was not nice. But then OCD got in there saying: what if this? What if you were a bullying? What if you were a bad person?” And all these things, up to the point where I feared that someone may have hurt themselves cause of me or that I was responsible for it. That was where OCD latched for a while, it still comes but it doesn’t bother me much. I’m trying not to reassure cause it will only do for some time. I’ve realize mine cause common sense and realize: hey, you know, I cannot control what others may do or react, I can only control what I can do now. And that I’m not the same person then as I am now. Might I be I may acted wrong or say something that was wrong? Yes, and I may not have or may not be the person I thought. I am planning to ask my future OCD therapist about it just to combat it more or that I’m handling it well, it hasn’t been as bad not the one I’m dealing with but it morphed into the one where I fear I may have acted, did something, said, or a thought/image came and I don’t remember like harm or something terribly not okay. That’s what I noticed. So maybe see if this is a pattern with another OCD theme or situation you are thinking, there could be something happening around that. It seems you are creating scenarios or fueling what the OCD wants which creates more panic and everything, even at times thinking you may have typed or see the message, etc. I know cause I tried to search up old messages and everything, but knowing deep down there isn’t much even if I do look up, I may not even get what I seek. So in the end I deleted everything just so that way I don’t HAVE to constantly search, which at times mad me more anxious cause I wanted to recover everything, but i felt it symbolize that was old and I can’t do anything much to fix, if it were to come up I can handle it, etc. It doesn’t mean my whole value of myself depends on back then on my life. It’s a perception and belief that you think you are bad because of this, but you are putting it onto yourself no one else, and that it’s up to people’s perception. Only you can accept yourself no matter what happened in your life despite what you did or didn’t. Anyway, I hope this help. You are not alone when it comes to being online and a while back of thinking of times, I know it’s hard cause of online and things have resurfacing old messages, etc, and the climate with certain topics. Maybe that can be an exposure or say: I believe something will come up? Is that possible? Jusy slightly dispute, but do ask a professional or someone who know OCD in this form, this is not a taboo or unknown common thing. Sending you love and light!

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